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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: OW's and personality disorders
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While doing a lot of reading on Borderline Personality disorder, (I believe my son suffers many of the symptoms of borderline in addition to his bipolar disorder), I have stumbled across an extremely well written, and very insightful blog written by a borderline female. Here is the link if anyone is interested in learning more: http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2011/07/why-are-borderlines-so-sexual.html

Anyway, many here on SI are consumed with the 'why' question, and I believe the 'borderline' theory may explain the 'why' for many.

I, personally, am of the belief that many many female waywards suffer with personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder. I realize that men can suffer with this also, and that it may explain the 'why' in some cases, but I believe it's most often a female wayward issue.

I'm just throwing this out here for discussion, wondering what the rest of you think...


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know.

I have an aunt and a cousin who I am certain both suffer from Borderline PD. Both are smart, charismatic and never ever responsible for their actions.

Cousin was an OW with an OC...who she conceived to get "things" she wanted from the family. He is precious...but she uses him as a pawn to guilt the family into supporting her (along with child support from the Bio father). I had to pick him up hours away, and take him while she was in jail for a DWI (not her fault of course) and she raised holy hell. She wanted the favor but believed we would try to "keep" him. She also threatened to kill the both of them because she wanted something. She fits the profile to a T.

My Aunt PHD in psychology was a BS. If she ever was an OW I am unaware. But her psych degree keeps her from getting the help she needs. She is slick. But she is seriously disordered. And I can't think of a better cover than PHD psychologist. I really don't think OW was in her past. She tended to choose emotionally unavailable men.

I swear that 80% of the females I have met display some major signs of Borderline behavior...splitting, feigned suicide attempts for attention,...etc.

So I don't know what the demographics are on this. Maybe it's more a symptom of the society of "ME" and the need to be "special" 24-7. I have no clue. In my case, I don't think all of the MOW's were exhibiting PD traits. Just a few. The others were just selfish and disloyal.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 2:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW has never been diagnosed as BPD, but she has many of the BPD "traits" and has been working on them with IC/MC. To my view she certainly fits the description of a high functioning BPD person. These BPD traits definitely played into how she perceived life and our M, and her rationalization of the A.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has been working on them with IC/MC

atsenaotie, is she getting Dialectical behavior therapy? It's supposed to be very helpful.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
hopingforhappy
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been there, done that, got the stinkin' t-shirt.

Actually, I don't know that OW was BDP. That was the opinion of my IC, who has been around the block a few times. Everything fits, from a distance. If she is not that, she is some other kind of messed up.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EAP is clearly BPD.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly believe OW in our case was NPD. Also wonder if she may have had multiple personality disorder. She did this weird thing with me and us after Dday where she would send similar emails but with different tone or voice from different email addresses using entirely diff names.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 590 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Spelljean
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW in my situation had something. I don't even think it is me reaching for an explanation either. I read ALOT of what she wrote to WH, and she has something going on there.

All her photos are of her in dramatic poses, lots of hand gestures and "here I am," pjcs, She writes about her outgoing side, her quirky side, her philosophical side to WH as though she is trying to convince him she is special. (He would never recognize anyone's philosophical anything, anyway). She wrote him this 10 page long letter, in a very messy hand, which made me think she was crazy angry when she wrote it.....all about how he should man-up, give her what she deserves, on and on. Breaking him down then building him back up again.

She is the one that wrote him a list of how she expects him to behave and each relationship milestone and checkpoint she expected them to reach.

She is a FB friend whore...close to 500 friends.

My guess was Borderline or Histrionic personality. Borderlines use a lot of manipulation tactics....she does. She fits that to a T....based on WHs description of her to me, too.

Control freak at the very least. Which is probably why he is still involved. Her claws are in DEEP still. He has zero clue how to break away. Clueless.. His problem!!


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
BeautifulEmpty
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's last OW was diagnosed BPD, had attempted suicide and been hospitalized at least three times.
She was the absolute worst of all I've gone through with him...through I can't even remember how many APs but there were several severely painful heartbreaks in there but nothing....nothing even came close to what the BPD AP caused in terms of pain, humiliation, distress long before the A was even known to me and tons more after.
Pain, splitting and confusion for my children. She went way out of her way to target each one and hurt them specifically after she outted herself as a lying home wrecker. She even targeted my autistic daughter the worst because she (my daughter) never liked her (OW). She stole roughly. $80 from my then 8 year old who had been saving up for ages. She even caused confusion and unhappiness for my dogs if you can imagine. She hurt my entire family so profoundly, I reel thinking about it.
She wrote me these awful letters at the end and if you read them, you would think SHE was the betrayed spouse and that I ruined her happy home and relationship. She accused me of EVERYTHING she had done!
Of all the things I have been working on to forgive him for, bringing that sick, messed up disaster into our lives is one thing I'm not sure I'll ever manage.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, personally, am of the belief that many many female waywards suffer with personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder. I realize that men can suffer with this also, and that it may explain the 'why' in some cases, but I believe it's most often a female wayward issue.

Borderline personality disorder does occur more frequently in women than in men. And promiscuity can be a feature of the disorder.

But men have their own spectrum of disorder that they are more prone to experience. NPD, antisocial personality disorder, and others, while also present in women, are more common in men.

And trust me, you will find HUNDREDS (if not thousands) of SI members whose male partners are/were profoundly personality-disordered.

Broken people of either gender make awful decisions that harm those around them.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9044 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But men have their own spectrum of disorder that they are more prone to experience. NPD, antisocial personality disorder, and others, while also present in women, are more common in men.
Agreed.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
hopingforhappy
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a real wake up call for my FWH. He has had a lot of life experiences and is in a profession where he has to deal with the public a lot, but he has never experienced anything like OW before. He is the type of person who always thinks the best of someone (until they show him otherwise) and he was really taken in by her. She outright lied about a lot of things about her life, but he had no reason to disbelieve her at first. He went right along with all of it, until things went really crazy--the threats of suicide (so many that he finally stared ignoring them), the "imaginary friends" (she claimed to be friends with several prominent politicians and one famous country music star). One day she claimed that one of these people was vacuuming her living room. He also started getting e-mails from her cat.

I think his lack of experience with this kind of person contributed to the length of his A. He knew she was crazy and was afraid to agitate her. things always ramped up when he tried to break up with her. So, he just kept it up. He was paralyzed with fear of what she might do. You read about people like this, but until you actually have to deal with one, it is hard to understand. This is why I keep telling him (and he now agrees) that boundaries are important. You have to keep yours strong, because others do not necessarily have them. He was very naive before.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
Rainbows
♀ 39362
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Ex's OW was diagnosed BPD. Her behavior and actions were astounding. It was as though inflicting pain and chaos in other people's lives was her purpose in life. She also took a perverse satisfaction in knowing she had succeeded in hurting people.

Between her BPD and Ex's own disorders, the first couple of months after dday were hell on earth.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
hopingforhappy
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, they will lie (very convincingly) about just about anything. It takes a while for the truth to be established. My FWH lost his job and was in danger of losing his professional license, as s result of the things she did and said after Dday. Luckily, he kept all of the e-mail correspondence between the two of them, so he could prove that what she said happened did not intact happen. It was harrowing.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...is she getting Dialectical behavior therapy

painpaingoaway,
No, not as described in the books and articles. FWW has worked in the mental health field, and is very sensitive to being labeled as BPD. When I was reading Walking on Eggshells, it bothered her to be thought of as BPD. She will admit to having traits, but I believe she would balk at specific BPD therapy.

She has been working on her own reading on cognitive behavioral therapy, and seeing the IC/MC off and on (currently every other week). In their therapy he works a lot in helping her to see that her feelings do not always reflect reality, and to understand how she feels emotionally and why rather than simply responding to those around her and her often misguided perceptions. She is better at catching herself, and I am better at recognizing the BPD expressing itself.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie,

I can understand why she would balk at that DX, but did you check out that blog I linked to?

It really was very enlightening, and gave quite an illuminating look into the mind of a BPD.

It actually helped me to see their pain, and understand why they are the way they are. It was very sad.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ppg,

yes, I saw the blog. It is very similar to what FWW has told me and experienced. During her affairs, the sex was power for her. She enjoyed being with her APs because she felt in control and powerful. With me she has always compared her life to mine (work, friends, family, etc.) and found herself lacking. For a while, when we were dating she "borrowed" my perceived status and success and being with me affirmed her. This ended very soon after we married.

It is sad once there is understanding. After the initial year past dday I felt more pity than anger towards her.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
2oldforthis
♀ 19825
Member # 19825
DOH!  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH Yes personality disorders in A's I am sure is very high. The excitement, the thrill. No emotion. The risks. All BPD.

When I heard the words from OW I kept thinking what is wrong with this women. I stumbled across on the interent about BPD, totally looking for something else. I started to read and WOW it was all there. Now I knew why this person seemed so weird. OW fit every discription.

The sitethat you posted , she actually said, Sex=power and control.

I have to wonder how this person could be so insightful about herself though. Usually they are not.

Very difficult people


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1651 | Registered: Jun 2008
DixieD
♀ 33457
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would be hard to believe AP doesn't have BPD. From the stalking behavior alone, but also from the context of AP's own words. Gave Glenn Close's ....'I will not be ignored'....scene a run for the money.

For a while, when we were dating she "borrowed" my perceived status and success and being with me affirmed her.

I think that was a big part for AP too. Husband was a trophy of sorts.

There are members on this site with BPD who I have a lot of respect for. As with any PD, there is a wide divide between high functioning and low functioning.

I recognized some of the traits in myself especially after dday -- ie. rage and black/white thinking. I'm starting DBT work, it's also helpful for PTSD.

ETA: There are some interesting articles describing when NPD guys and BPD women hook up, especially for affairs. Sorry, couldn't find them right now to post a link.

[This message edited by DixieD at 2:23 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some interesting articles describing when NPD guys and BPD women hook up, especially for affairs
Yep, that's the stuff nightmares are made of.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 20

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