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confused2014 posted 2/4/2014 10:14 AM

My Husband and I have been married for 6 years. I thought we had a great marriage. We had been trying for years to have a second child. We finally got pregnant and had our baby in September 2013. A week and a half ago, my husband cheated on me. He paid a prostitute to give him a BJ. This was on a Friday, He was over whelmed with guilt and went to see his doctor on the Monday, where he had an STD test done. and his doctor told him to talk to me. He told me. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I'm grateful that he didn't sleep with her. I'm grateful that he isn't in a relationship with someone else. But I'm so very sad. 1) he did that. 2) he didn't talk to me fist about his feelings. 3) He told me he planned it for almost a month. and he never changed his mind. 4) I feel awful about myself. He says it wasn't me it was him but how can I not think he just doesn't want me. He told me that he wasn't sure at the time if he was still in love with me. But now he knows that he is and says he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me.
I never in a million years thought my husband would do that. He just isn't that kind of guy. Or so I thought. Which is almost as saddening as the cheating is.
My Husband swears he will do anything and everything to keep our marriage together. I don't know how to start building trust with him again. I never suspected him before ever! and now when he tells me is going somewhere I don't believe him. I don't want that kind of relationship. But I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do?!?
I read other stories but I don't feel I can relate.
Any advise for first steps of rebuilding. I want to go to marriage counselling but we have no one to watch our kids and have an infant. We are trying to talk more and be honest. (it's helping but not enough).
It saddens me that I'll never be able to say that my husband has been faithful to me.

TrustedHer posted 2/4/2014 10:27 AM

((( confused ))) <--- those are hugs

The road to survival, whether R (reconciliation) or D/S (Divorce/Separation) is long and painful.

Please drink water, try to eat food, even if it's only smoothies.

Read as much as you can in the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.

I don't think you should jump to MC (Marriage Counseling). I think IC (Individual Counseling) for you and your H are better first steps. When you have the tools to control yourself, and he understands why he did what he did, then you could do MC to rebuild your marriage. Until then, you're both broken, and how can you make a good marriage with broken parts?

ETA: I've been on SI for a while now, and one of the things that looks promising in your case is the instantaneous remorse and the fact that he told you before you discovered what he had done.

There are no guarantees.

[This message edited by TrustedHer at 10:30 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

MercifulH posted 2/4/2014 10:33 AM

I am so sorry you are here. Welcome to the worst club in the world. You will find a lot of help here though. Look on the left sidebar and go to the healing library. Look at the abbreviations so you will be able to understand what people post. Also read the BS(Betrayed Spouse) FAQ, and have your Husband read the WS(Wayward Spouse) FAQ. These contain some very helpful information on what both of you are going through.

Unfortunately, the first thing I am going to do is suggest that your husband is most likely still lying to you. They almost always are. Often times, WS's want to protect themselves while saying they are trying to protect you from being hurt. There very well could be more to this story, he very well could have been seeing prostitutes for much longer than he says he was, or he could have been seeing other women. He needs to be 100% honest with you. The fact he told you that he had been thinking about it for a month before he did it, and never told you is a clue that he hasn't been honest with you in the past. On a positive note, he confessed to you. Even if he is still hiding other details that is a big thing for him to do. A lot of WS's deny deny deny. Even when they get caught, they deny it and keep lying to themselves and you.

Just remember that this is not your fault. It is most definitely a problem with him that he needs to figure out, which may require counseling. Counseling will help both of you a lot, but until you can get into counseling, take the time to read articles from the healing library. There are also some great books out there. My wife and I have been reading "How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda J MacDonald, and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. "Not Just Friends" is an amazing book and I highly recommend it. Post here often, read other people's stories and know that you are not alone. I know it is very difficult, but you have to try and force yourself to eat, sleep, and do things you like to try and take your mind off things. I didn't eat for 3 days after everything started coming to the surface and I suffered some health problems because of it. Go see the doctor if you have to, but try to stay busy. Easier said than done, I know, but until you break the pattern of being sad and laying around crying all day, you won't start to get over this.

norabird posted 2/4/2014 10:35 AM

I'm so sorry. Know that this is all about his issues, not about anything you did 'wrong'. You can wait for the dust to settle to see if you want to go or stay; there is no rush for an immediate decision. Be good to yourself, and watch his behavior to see if he is really committed to helping you work through this.

1devastedmom posted 2/4/2014 22:25 PM

I agred that most likely you've only hit the tip of the iceberg. Men that use prostitutes don't usually do it once. My husband went from saying one blowjob then when everything was said and done it was prostitutes in the double digits over 15 years. I don't say this to discourage you but want to be honest with you. I will say that his remorse and admitting it to you is huge. You can survive this with a truly remorseful husband. My marriage has been better then it ever was before dday, even as newlyweds. My husband is a different man. There are lots of women like us here. Keep posting.

BAB61 posted 2/4/2014 23:11 PM

(((confused2014))) Sorry you are here, and at the same time it's a great place for you to be! Please do read the Healing Library. Post when you have questions, or unclear about something. The Moderators and Guides are first rate and someone will usually answer your post quickly.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself and your kids. IC is, imho, essential. Even if you have to have WH watch the kids while you go and vice versa ... figure out a way.

If you belong to a church they may be able to help you with counseling, or recommendations. I know this is difficult. ((confused2014))

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