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hurts123 posted 2/4/2014 11:16 AM

About 3 weeks ago, my gf of 4 years and I were getting back from visiting our parents. She had been texting her best friend all day, so when we got here, I was curious and went through her phone to see if I was mentioned anywhere because she had been acting a little distant lately. I read a message that stated that things were good between us, but she felt guilty. She was flirting with a guy from her new job, which she had started about 3 weeks before. She broke down in tears because she told me she was developing feelings for this guy, and it should never have gotten to this point. I was super extremely hurt and asked her to fix everything, but she said she needed time and space to think things out. Last Thursday, I decided I would give her her space, and went to sleep at my cousins for the night. I wasn't gonna text her the following day so she could have the day to think and stuff. I'll come back to this in a bit.. Last night, she confessed that she cheated on me, starting 2 weeks ago, and the most recent being yesterday. 3 times is the number I got from her. One of the times being the Friday that I didn't hear anything from her after the Thursday I left. When I asked her, if she used a condom, she said that she never had sex with him, he's just kissed her.

I feel completely trapped because she's been hinting that she wants to get married, so we went to pick out a ring for her, and now I'm stuck with it because she says she's not ready to get married. We have literally had the best relationship before this. We are best friends. She's just been so distant lately and I don't want to lose her. 4 years, building this life together, I don't want to throw all of this away. But she's not 100% in this relationship right now, her words, and she doesn't want to keep hurting me. She's so lost right now, also her words.

I could really use some advice from anyone. I don't know what to do anymore.. I just wish things were like they used to be one month ago, I know things weren't perfect, but we were both happy with each other :'(

How do people work through these things?

norabird posted 2/4/2014 11:37 AM

Do not keep planning a future with her right now. Yes, you invested four years; but you can still walk away. Maybe she will come around, but any talk of marriage needs to get off the table. And frankly right now she is actively cheating on you so you don't really have a partner to work with! You can't hold the relationship together if she has already exited.

I'm sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself and follow your instinct to detach. The space isn't really for her though--it's for you, to get some distance and perspective. You deserve someone who is 100%.

MovingUpward posted 2/4/2014 14:23 PM

We are best friends

I understand this feeling but she needs to follow up to her transgression in a way that a best friend would do. I fear you are ready to sweep things under the rug to return to the way things were.

She is not into this relationship right now then you probably need to pull back from this too. Any chance that you can return the ring?

As for working through these things, you can't do it alone. So if she isn't interested in working on your relationship then all you can do is work to heal yourself. Read up in the healing library as well as these forums.

ClearEyes12 posted 2/4/2014 14:30 PM

I'm so sorry! Is there a return policy on the ring?

hurts123 posted 2/4/2014 14:39 PM

I believe I have 18 days left to return it. The thing is that we bought it together, so she would have to go with me to return it and I feel that would be really awkward.

I need to know now if she's into the relationship or not, so I was planning on telling her stuff today after she gets out of work on the lines of I will not just sit around and be actively and openly cheated on while you are making decisions. I don't know if I should move into my cousins for now or not.

I've been reading up on the 180 surviving infidelity list, does this list still apply to me, or is the relationship pretty much over? I'm not sure if I would be able to pull this off because I'm not sure if I'm staying in the same apartment with her for now.

I wish the answers were right in front of me.

MovingUpward posted 2/4/2014 14:46 PM

The 180 isn't a way to get her back but to help cut ties that keep you in pain.

I don't know if this relationship is over but if you are not sure that you are ready to be engaged in the next 18 days then I suggest that you approach her and ask her to either buy out your share or that you jointly return the ring. You need to be honest with her on where you are. If you aren't into dealing with conflict then you will be trapped at her mercy. Conflict avoidance isn't always good.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/4/2014 14:58 PM

Hey there hurts123. So sorry you are here and hurting. MovingUpward nailed it. You need to return that ring. If it's going to be awkward, let it be awkward for her. I know it's painful and hard, but you have to do it for YOU. That is what the 180 is about. YOU. She's actively cheating on YOU. Protect yourself. By protecting yourself, sticking up for yourself, and returning the ring, you are going to push her off the fence a bit as to whether or not she wants to be with you. You will get some answers for yourself by doing all of this for yourself. Then you can make some better decisions on what YOU want to do about her. Not the other way around.

I'm pulling for you hurts123.

keptmyword posted 2/4/2014 15:02 PM


Sorry that you find yourself here. We all know the pain you are feeling right now.

There are thousands of stories of married couples who find themselves in the incredibly painful and destructive situation of adultery.

A most common thought among them is: "If I could only go back in time before marrying this person. If I could have seen the signs."

These people are not only married but also have children together. Children who love their families more than anything else in the world. Children whose intact family provides them the foundation of their stability and safety. Now, this is all destroyed.

The aftermath is unbelievably painful. Far, far more so than what you feel now. The hurt you feel for children of adultery is extreme and intense.

Look, take some time to really reflect and get some perspective of your potential future. This woman has shown you something incredible.

She has given you a gift. The wonderful gift of time travel. She has shown you the future.


Not married, no kids, no assets, no joint accounts, and only four years together.

Imagine how you would feel if you had spent 25 years married to this woman AND THEN she did this. Imagine feeling the last 25 years were all a lie. Imagine what your children would be going through. Imagine dealing with extremely expensive divorce attorneys, custody hearings, division of assets, alimony, child support, and the devastation of being betrayed by the one who was supposed to protect the family you had built.

There are many, many stories here just as I described.

Again, not married, no kids, no assets, no joint accounts, etc...

The likelihood of this woman betraying you again is very, very high. That is simply the truth.

I would literally bet a million dollars that they not only had sex but that they also did NOT use any protection. They almost never do. It adds too much reality to their fantasy.

She has demonstrated that she is not committed, is irresponsible, and is full of excuses.

It won't be difficult AT ALL to do better than this.

I would highly suggest you thank her for the good time up until she betrayed your trust and wish her a nice life.

Jduff posted 2/4/2014 15:49 PM

^^^^ What keptmyword said.

Despite what you feel now, and believe us when we say we understand and know the pain, you are quite lucky she showed you who she is before vows were exchanged.

When they show you who they are, believe them.

I can't think of anything more appropriate to break things off with her and making it very real than returning that engagement ring with her.

This OM is no man. No real man makes a play on another guy's woman knowing that woman is already in a relationship. But then again that is the question, did she let him know that she was in a relationship? If not, then you know how weak her boundaries are.

You don't want to marry a little Princess. You want to marry a Queen.

hurts123 posted 2/4/2014 16:09 PM

So, return the ring, and say it's over is what needs to ultimately happen then?

yearsofpain25 posted 2/4/2014 18:15 PM

Hey there hurts123. It doesn't quite work that way. You are going to get a lot of different opinions here. Note above. You need to take a look at all of it and decide what works best for you. Ultimately you have to be the one to make the decision.

Clearly you can see from everyone in this thread that they personally, based on their experiences, would all have you return the ring. That includes me. She is actively cheating on you as you started this thread. She's "not 100% into this relationship right now." Pretty much tells you what you need to do. Clearly she doesn't want to get married or she wouldn't be doing this to you, or the two of you as a couple. I know it hurts and that is why you are here seeking advice. We will continue to help guide you through, but ultimately you have to be the one to make the decision yourself.

I would return the ring and take her with me. Make it awkward. Show that this hurts for you if you need to. Don't give into any sort of comfort that she tries to give you even if you want to. She has no idea how much damage and pain she has caused you yet. By doing the 180 you will be protecting yourself and working on getting yourself stronger. It's never too late to implement a 180.

I guarantee that you probably don't even know all of the truth yet. Depending on her commitment you may never get all of the truth. She's already broken your trust and proven she is a liar by having the affair. Do you even want to know the truth? You can still get out. What do you want? Sounds like she's already gone and she doesn't sound all that remorseful.

Not to scare you, but this is a necessary evil...have you slept with her since OM has? Just kissing? Might want to tell her that she owe's you the truth as testing for STD's are in order if you slept with her since OM may have (or may not have). That's a tough one but necessary for your own health and piece of mind.

This is a tough road to go down my friend.

I also agree with keptmyword on some levels too. She gave you a gift alright.

whattheh posted 2/4/2014 18:42 PM

The reason you're dating is to get to know each other before you make a lifetime committment. Now you know who she really is and that she is not truly committed to you.

Cheaters minimize the truth so don't blindly trust the details she gives you upfront.

hurts123 posted 2/4/2014 21:49 PM

I want to thank you all for your kind words. As I was waiting for her to get home, (about an hour late mind you), I was just thinking what in the hell is she doing. She finally gets home, and I ask why she's so late, and she says cuz I am, then I ask her if she was with him, and rudely says here we go with the 20 questions. :( When I asked her once more, she said that she was giving him a ride home, and I asked if they kissed and she said yes. At this point I was done with her, I left my promise ring, and the engagement ring with her, and got my stuff and left to my cousins. I can't believe one month ago, we're as happy as can be, and then some older guy with a gf comes in between us and ruins relationship for good :'( This is how it was supposed to happen..

hurts123 posted 2/4/2014 21:56 PM


yearsofpain25 posted 2/4/2014 22:04 PM

I'm so sorry hurt123. So so sorry. Detach yourself from her so you can get better. Take care of yourself first and foremost. I will be thinking of you tonight.

Brandon808 posted 2/4/2014 22:23 PM

There may be times when you want to reach out to her. Times when you question yourself. When those times happen think about this...

then I ask her if she was with him, and rudely says here we go with the 20 questions
This woman came home and treated you like she was put out by you. There was no shame, no embarrassment. No sense at all that she sees her behavior as remotely inappropriate.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/4/2014 22:23 PM

As a practical matter, make sure and return that doesn't have to be awkward at all, for all those store people know, you found one at another store that you liked better....

ZedLeppelin posted 2/4/2014 23:06 PM

As terrible as you feel now, be thankful that she showed you her real self before you had children together.

If you are close with her parents/friends write a simple small email stating that you are moving on because she has a new boyfriend. No bitterness, no negativity. Wish them well with their lives etc.

Find yourself someone who truly loves you.

BrooklynLove posted 2/4/2014 23:12 PM


Do not get married to someone that is already cheating and do not bring children into this. It just makes a complicated situation worst. Read my story because I'm sure you don't want to end up with a jackass wife that cheats and doesn't respect you .

hurts123 posted 2/5/2014 05:31 AM

I tried to fall asleep early so I didn't have to put up with it, but now I'm up really early. I just can't believe she was so cold about it. This is not the girl I fell in love with 5 years ago. This is NOT her :( I just can't believe this is over

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