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I understand but it gets lonesome

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wonderingbull posted 2/4/2014 15:13 PM

I understand people's fear of death and dying... I understand them not wanting to be around it or facing it if it isn't forced upon them...

When I was a junior in high school my father was dying at home... No one wanted to date me during that time... I had one girl who was interested in me and we went out a few times but she bolted because my dad was on his death bed... She told me it was too much like her mom dying...

When my mom was in the hospital the ex didn't visit or want to be around unless I requested she help on the medical side because she's a nurse... An excellent nurse that knows how the medical system works... She started her A either during or right after my mom died and basically abandon me...

Now my younger brother is pretty much terminally ill unless lightning strikes... KD pretty much took off... Too many triggers, too many similarities to her sister dying of breast cancer...

I've never bitched, moaned or complained about what was going on... I've cried mostly on my own and not burdened others with the roads I'm traveling... I'm typically upbeat and enjoy laughing and being around people even if it's for an escape from the hell blazing around me...

Yet... Once again... I find myself alone, without a companion who has my back, who can hold me when it all gets just a little too overwhelming...

I've thought to myself that it's me... I'm the reason the people I've needed or wanted for support have jumped ship...

Then in my calmer moments I tell myself... It's human nature... Humans just don't do death well and will run if they're not obligated to be there...


lieshurt posted 2/4/2014 15:44 PM

I've thought to myself that it's me... I'm the reason the people I've needed or wanted for support have jumped ship...

No WB, they jump ship because they are weak and selfish. When you truly care about somebody and focus on what you can do for them and not what they can do for you, then you run to them in their time of need, not away.

cayc posted 2/4/2014 16:17 PM

I'm disappointed in KD for a whole host of reasons & this latest stunt of hers is all on her and nothing to do with you.

You may not have a partner to help you navigate this, but you do have us. And you have your honor and loyalty which is why you are uprooting yourself to be there for your brother. That he needs you and you are there for him? Take comfort in that because you really are a good man, a good brother for doing it.

And living in the Gulf? That's practically year round shorts wearing weather :) I expect to hear that one day in the future, you "accidentally" texted KD a picture of you in shorts at some event, surrounded by others in shorts

nowiknow23 posted 2/4/2014 18:02 PM

It truly isn't you, wb, and I don't believe it's human nature, either. I'm with lieshurt -

No WB, they jump ship because they are weak and selfish. When you truly care about somebody and focus on what you can do for them and not what they can do for you, then you run to them in their time of need, not away.
Times 1000.


positively4thst posted 2/4/2014 18:09 PM

I don't know your story but It's not you. It can be awkward for people when they don't know what to say or do, but real friends stumble through the awkwardness and ask what you need. If you say nothing, they do something, bring you a dinner, give you a hug, say they are there to listen, etc. And they show up, they don't run away.

You need to raise the bar. Expect to meet someone who can be there for you and has your back. Sorry for all of your losses. Take care of yourself.

Williesmom posted 2/4/2014 19:11 PM

It's awkward for them. And they have weak character.

My mom is an oncology nurse. My brother and sister are both nurses, so my family views death differently.

You just haven't met someone that is worthy of you. Stay the course, wb.

FaithFool posted 2/4/2014 19:24 PM

My x was a lot of bad things, but one thing he wasn't was a runaway when it came time for my mom to die.

While we were working through our divorce, he was at her side with me when my out-of-town family was too busy with their lives to come until the last minute. And he had a lot of disease and death in his family of origin.

When the chips are down, people show you who they really are.

You are one in a million WB. Big hugs. You will get through this.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:24 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

k94ever posted 2/4/2014 19:35 PM

Yes Bull, most Americans are uncomfortable with death and dying. Our society focuses on youth and winners and unfortunately old people die and all other's "lose the battle between life and death".

Forgive them for being idiots.

You've been given the gift and curse of the "long good-bye" with your brother. Cherish this time and say everything you two need to say to each other. Be honest, be loving, be funny, be kind.

Post here when you get overwhelmed. We will be here for you.



damncutekitty posted 2/4/2014 20:00 PM

I secretly envy people who know in advance they are losing loved ones. The last 2 deaths in my family were sudden and I never got to say goodbye.

My own experiences with grief and loss compell me to reach out to people who are grieving (or are about to be). I guess I feel like it's my area of expertise. I can't imagine just bailing on someone at a time like that.

fireproof posted 2/4/2014 21:16 PM

I am sorry. I think it depends on the person and their experiences. Some are uncomfortable and some need to be told what you need.

I don't know if they have a group near you but I would either keep posting or seek out a support group either at a church or somewhere else that deals with those people with relatives who have cancer.

Life in the grand scheme of it is super short. Cherish the time with your brother and celebrate his life with him.

better4me posted 2/4/2014 21:49 PM

Ah, my friend, it isn't you. I sure wish you had a companion right now, someone who was worthy of you, someone who could share this burden you are experiencing and who would let you be just a little bit scared and just a little bit vulnerable when you need to be. A shoulder you could lean on so you didn't have to be so strong all the time.

It sucks that you don't have somebody this go 'round, but it isn't you. I think it is mostly timing...I think you will still find the one you time.

As NIK said,

Times 1000.

[This message edited by better4me at 9:50 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

exhausted lady posted 2/5/2014 01:33 AM


I truly feel for you at this time. Being a grownup sucks. It sounds like you had to deal with these issues long before you WERE a grownup, and for that my heart breaks for you.

I have no more advice, but I wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you, and it is the most painful thing on earth. Far more painful than my XWSO's affair(s), more pain than you think you can bear at times. God bless you and keep you. You're not alone. I'm right here with you....and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. This shit sucks......but there is no way to get through it without, well, going through it.

Sometimes I just have to take the time to remember that sometime in the future, it will all be over and even though life will be will be better. This is the hard shit, for sure.

It's time to hunker down and go into emotional survival mode. Find a good bunker, and be true to yourself.

I thought dealing with infidelity was hard.....until I started living with an Alzheimer's victim. You can always kick a cheater to the curb.....this is entirely different.

exhausted lady posted 2/5/2014 01:34 AM

double post. I'm brain dead tonight.

[This message edited by exhausted lady at 1:35 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

stronger08 posted 2/5/2014 02:55 AM

Bull my man, it may not seem like it now but each and every one of these women did you a big favor. Its best to lose out on relationships with people who cant stomach reality. Fact is that bad things happen. People get sick, people die and the list of troubled times goes on and on. One day your going to find the right lady who will stand by you during times like these. Someone who will comfort, support and be there when the chips are down. Anything less would just be settling at best. I get lonely myself and its not because I cant get a date. Its because I'm still trying to find someone who will compliment me. Perhaps that's nave thinking on my part, but I am just so tired of weeding out the bad apples from the barrel. For now I'm just buying my time till the one that hits me like a freight train comes along. I know she is out there somewhere, I just have to be patient and god willing we will meet. I know that one day its going to happen. And so will you my friend. She is out there and she will find you somehow. Till then hang tough and have some fun.

Bluebird26 posted 2/5/2014 03:56 AM

I think sometimes if people have been in similar situations (losing someone they love) it is difficult to face that situation again. It brings up a lot of memories and heartache that might be buried deeply and it's just to painful to face. I am not saying this is right or wrong, it is just what it is.

For some people it is selfishness, they can't be bothered, it's too hard, they don't know what to say so avoidance is the strategy of choice.

For some people they will help you no matter what, give you the shirt off their back if you needed it.

I guess in tough times you know who you can depend on and who you can't.

I am sorry you are hurting and lonely right now. It can't be easy. But you have all of us behind you WB, lean on us. ((WB))

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 3:57 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

NaiveAgain posted 2/5/2014 07:05 AM

I agree with what the others are saying. It isn't you, it is the partners that you have been with that are weak or haven't healed from their own traumas and can't deal with the not so pretty parts of life. You don't want someone for the long term that is only in it for the fun and the pretty stuff. You need someone that can weather the storms life throws us from time to time.

I'm so sorry. ((((WB))))

hexed posted 2/5/2014 08:58 AM


I am so sorry you are going through this.

You seem to have been blessed and cursed with a special gift for being a comfort for others during their final days. Not everyone can handle it let alone be as strong as you have.

Unfortunately, that leaves you alone to deal with the personal emotional fallout from that. I hope that you find the support you will need during this. You have good friends who will help I'm sure. I've always been surprised that in my darkest days people have come into my life and helped in the most special ways. I hope this for you too. Sometimes a stranger or a friend who steps up a little more than usual.

wonderingbull posted 2/5/2014 10:32 AM

I guess I feel like it's my area of expertise.

You seem to have been blessed and cursed with a special gift for being a comfort for others during their final days.

Thank you everyone...

Blessed and cursed is definitely the way I feel...

I learned early at the age of 16 because of my dad dying what it's like to be there front and center... My mom, little brother, little sister and I were hospice before there was hospice...

When people find out they're terminally ill they call me because they know I'm not uncomfortable or stumble around wondering what to say or do...

Talked to my brother last night and it was good to hear his voice... He and I have a way of "getting" each other... The older brothers and sisters have no clue... He and I are able to laugh about that...

It's a journey... Time to travel light...


persevere posted 2/5/2014 10:53 AM


persevere posted 2/5/2014 10:53 AM


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