Husband is doing really well. We are going to start MC soon. Not really to deal with A issues (16 months of working it out has pretty much dealt with that), but to make our M as strong as it can be to safeguard it from happening again.
My biggest issue is the AP...
Does anyone else swing from:
extreme venom and hate to the point of wanting to rip their eyes and hair out.
to...pity for them, because they have to live their life with such low self-esteem and confidence. I mean...it must suck to wake up every morning feeling so low about yourself you need to be easy to build yourself up.
to...thankful for their actions, because it woke your fWH up. They are now a better H than before and appreciate you so much more. They realize how stupid they were and regret ever knowing or thinking any other women can compare to you. They bust their ass to show you everyday how much they love you.
[This message edited by whattheh at 7:04 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by alleyk at 11:46 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]
This is not a vent thread...there isn't any namecalling in this forum, please read the forum description.
Everyone else...if this thread continues in this direction we will be forced to move it and that would be very unfortunate for the Author of this thread, because moving past the AP in a constructive way is very much a part of reconciling.
Please post accordingly.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
in the beginning it was ALLLLL venom. but as time went on, and i worked thru things in MC/IC, there is the rare occasion I feel pity for her. My WH was her 3rd affair...so how horrible it must be to live such a sad and lonely existence when she has a wonderful husband and beautiful children. We were friends at one time, so knowing her the way i did, i know that she will never really know peace and happiness...and that is quite sad.
i can say that i will never be thankful for their actions....however, i have never seen my WH work so hard on himself, our marriage and our family. The aftermath/consequences of the A have awoken something in my WH, and i do believe he is a changed man. It is so very sad that it takes something as devastating as an A to spark the changes.
I wish you all the best in MC. I do so love mine, and she has been wonderful. We have learned new ways to communicate and to work thru issues. She has helped us identify old, destructive patterns and change behaviors. I truly hope you have the same experience.
hugs to you.
I feel the same way a lot if the time about the AP.
I feel lots of anger that someone (who went through infidelity herself) would do this, when she said she never would and I also feel sorry for her because she allowed herself to be used by my fWH. He wasn't interested in having an actual relationship with her.
However, I struggle with being thankful to her. Yes, my husband realized his behavior and is doing all that he can to change but I can't quite be thankful. At least not yet. I'm also not ready to forgive her, but that's for another day.
1 DD 8yrs old, one on the way then miscarried Jan 2014 Pregnant again, due May, 3015- I must be crazy.
DDay 12/28/2013 In R and taking one step at a time.
I'm mainly at door number three and do agree with Nothing is Certain:
WH is MOW's 3rd AP plus there is another family friend of theirs that went NC and won't take her H's calls or even text and he can't understand why. So, after reading for the last two years, it seems that a firm NC is in place for that family. He would make number 4.
I wish there was more information on how/why someone can go through an A, know and deal with the pain first hand and years later fall into the same pattern not twice but four times.
I tell WH I am here and we are working towards a better future because he tells me almost everyday that he has so much more to give me and show me (LOVE) but he knows we are doing this ONE TIME ONLY.
This is tough business we're dealing with here.
this is such a messy situation we find ourselves in.
Married 10 yrs Together 11 1/2 years I've loved him forever 4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
Now, I try to not let her take up too much headspace.
My real venom was reserved for wh. AP made no promises to me. Wh did.
The fact that you waffle between them is, IMO, a sign that you are actually working through your feelings and not allowing yourself to get stuck. That is awesome and gives you good reason to be "hopeful". :)
not really pity
not at all thankful
pretty close to indifferent
doesn't deserve my time or attention
Married for over 15 years 2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]
More and more lately, I see her as just an opportunist, who inserted herself in our marriage at a particularly weak spot. But, in the end, I hope that those 2 months are but a blip on the radar of our marriage. The betrayal changed my life, it changed our lives, and I hope it will be for the better once all the pain dissipates. Not that I would recommend the route - but if you are going to have a disaster, you might as well learn from it!
