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hopefulmother posted 2/4/2014 18:23 PM

It is now 16 months in R.

Husband is doing really well. We are going to start MC soon. Not really to deal with A issues (16 months of working it out has pretty much dealt with that), but to make our M as strong as it can be to safeguard it from happening again.

My biggest issue is the AP...

Does anyone else swing from:

extreme venom and hate to the point of wanting to rip their eyes and hair out.

to...pity for them, because they have to live their life with such low self-esteem and confidence. I must suck to wake up every morning feeling so low about yourself you need to be easy to build yourself up.

to...thankful for their actions, because it woke your fWH up. They are now a better H than before and appreciate you so much more. They realize how stupid they were and regret ever knowing or thinking any other women can compare to you. They bust their ass to show you everyday how much they love you.

openedupmyeyes posted 2/4/2014 18:55 PM

((((Hopeful mother)))) I have felt these feelings also. You are not alone. You have been heard. Almost 4 years out. We are recovering.

whattheh posted 2/4/2014 19:03 PM

Door number one. I have absolutely no zip zero compassion for the OW. I don't spend time thinking about OW anymore but if I do I wish OW the worst consequences.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:04 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Morhurt posted 2/4/2014 20:36 PM

Absolutely! In fact I worry about my sanity sometimes because I feel compassion for some of the APs. And yes, secretly I sometimes feel.. Not thankful, but something positive about how our M is now compared to before.

alleyk posted 2/4/2014 21:49 PM

Sorry - edited cause I vented

[This message edited by alleyk at 11:46 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Deeply Scared posted 2/4/2014 22:00 PM


This is not a vent thread...there isn't any namecalling in this forum, please read the forum description.

Everyone else...if this thread continues in this direction we will be forced to move it and that would be very unfortunate for the Author of this thread, because moving past the AP in a constructive way is very much a part of reconciling.

Please post accordingly.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 2/4/2014 22:29 PM

yes to all 3.

in the beginning it was ALLLLL venom. but as time went on, and i worked thru things in MC/IC, there is the rare occasion I feel pity for her. My WH was her 3rd how horrible it must be to live such a sad and lonely existence when she has a wonderful husband and beautiful children. We were friends at one time, so knowing her the way i did, i know that she will never really know peace and happiness...and that is quite sad.

i can say that i will never be thankful for their actions....however, i have never seen my WH work so hard on himself, our marriage and our family. The aftermath/consequences of the A have awoken something in my WH, and i do believe he is a changed man. It is so very sad that it takes something as devastating as an A to spark the changes.

I wish you all the best in MC. I do so love mine, and she has been wonderful. We have learned new ways to communicate and to work thru issues. She has helped us identify old, destructive patterns and change behaviors. I truly hope you have the same experience.

hugs to you.

NothingIsCertain posted 2/4/2014 23:13 PM

Hopeful mother,

I feel the same way a lot if the time about the AP.

I feel lots of anger that someone (who went through infidelity herself) would do this, when she said she never would and I also feel sorry for her because she allowed herself to be used by my fWH. He wasn't interested in having an actual relationship with her.

However, I struggle with being thankful to her. Yes, my husband realized his behavior and is doing all that he can to change but I can't quite be thankful. At least not yet. I'm also not ready to forgive her, but that's for another day.

mesoSTUPID posted 2/5/2014 02:13 AM

I am 2 years out this week. Anti-versary is 2/8.

I'm mainly at door number three and do agree with Nothing is Certain:

I feel lots of anger that someone (who went through infidelity herself) would do this, when she said she never would and I also feel sorry for her because she allowed herself to be used by my fWH. He wasn't interested in having an actual relationship with her.

WH is MOW's 3rd AP plus there is another family friend of theirs that went NC and won't take her H's calls or even text and he can't understand why. So, after reading for the last two years, it seems that a firm NC is in place for that family. He would make number 4.

I wish there was more information on how/why someone can go through an A, know and deal with the pain first hand and years later fall into the same pattern not twice but four times.

I tell WH I am here and we are working towards a better future because he tells me almost everyday that he has so much more to give me and show me (LOVE) but he knows we are doing this ONE TIME ONLY.

This is tough business we're dealing with here.

Fightingmad posted 2/6/2014 12:32 PM

yup - part of me wants to walk up to her and thank her for giving me back a better husband than I have ever had before BUT I think I want to do that out of spite more than anything; her husband has left her and the divorce sounds nasty from what I have heard...

this is such a messy situation we find ourselves in.

stunnedin12 posted 2/6/2014 15:05 PM

Never thankful for AP but, yes, I have hated her and pitied her.

Now, I try to not let her take up too much headspace.

My real venom was reserved for wh.
AP made no promises to me. Wh did.

kansas1968 posted 2/6/2014 15:10 PM

Nope, I just stay on option one.

cdnmommy posted 2/6/2014 15:42 PM

I can relate to all the feelings you describe, hopefulmother.

The fact that you waffle between them is, IMO, a sign that you are actually working through your feelings and not allowing yourself to get stuck. That is awesome and gives you good reason to be "hopeful". :)

OnAnIsland posted 2/6/2014 15:47 PM

almost done with extreme venom and hate

not really pity

not at all thankful

pretty close to indifferent

doesn't deserve my time or attention

demonshide posted 2/6/2014 15:56 PM

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

hopefulmother posted 2/11/2014 12:30 PM

Thank you guys for all your input. I haven't felt any anger for over a week and half. No name calling and etc. I feel really good. Like my marriage is back to normal and she never existed. As a matter of fact I will be posting soon what I recently did.

bionicgal posted 2/11/2014 12:40 PM

Mainly 2 & 3, and a little bit of 1. More disgust and pity than hair ripping.

More and more lately, I see her as just an opportunist, who inserted herself in our marriage at a particularly weak spot. But, in the end, I hope that those 2 months are but a blip on the radar of our marriage. The betrayal changed my life, it changed our lives, and I hope it will be for the better once all the pain dissipates. Not that I would recommend the route - but if you are going to have a disaster, you might as well learn from it!

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