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I have bounced from wanting to R to riding the fence to slipping down the D side of it. Tonight as I sit and think, I just started crying uncontrollably. What is that? I do love him, but part of that is dead now and won't come back for me. I will never look at him the same. I will never be able to say he was faithful. I love him and hate him! He doesn't get it. He is remorseful, but I don't think he truly understands what this has done to me or to us. He is trying, but not where he needs to be yet. Everyone says wait a year to decide, but I get more and more angry with him by the day. He destroyed us! I am so angry with him for that. Is R even possible with this much negativity still or should I just file and be done with it?

deena, I'm so sorry you're in this place. But I have to say that the anger will still be there even if you D. You may decide to file and be done with it, but in reality, you'll still have to sort through the myriad of emotions caused by his betrayal. I believe one of the ways a W "gets it" is by the BS being completely honest and open with all emotions and thoughts. WSs have to see and hear the consequences of their actions over and over to fully understand the devastation they've caused.

I didn't know I could feel such intense anger and rage towards anyone, especially my H. It has taken a long time and a ton of work to push through and R. But it is possible - I know you can't fathom that now, but it can happen.

This sucks. I am so sorry, but know that your feelings are completely normal! You're less than two months out...you're going to go back and forth for a long while.

I found out my WH cheated three years after we married and I rugswept it. Now we are dealing with this again. Your WH MUST do the heavy lifting it will take to fix what he has done if there is to be any chance of him not doing this to you again.

If you get back to the "I think we can R" phase, write down exactly what you need from him, i.e., IC, MC, etc., and give it to him. If he balks, you have your answer. Mine balked. I'm getting my ducks in a row.

I am so sorry.

(((deena04)))

Side note: I talked my WS into looking at this site. I practically begged him to read through wayward posts and other forums to see how we are fairly normal in our process. I wanted to give him insight and help both of us. Here's my kicker: he read a few wayward posts and now is searching every post here to find mine. He doesn't know my user name but will figure it out by my info at the bottom. That's fine, but has anyone else's spouse did this? Just obsesses over BS instead of helping themselves .

I know what you mean, that part, that big important part, is dead now. It doesn't come back, I have come to realize that it has to be a different kind of love now, it's not ever going to be what it was. I think that's the crushing thing that all of us who have been cheated on feel...that our "in love" feeling is gone. We miss it, we long for it, we hope for it to come back, but it went with the A. It is really just so sad.

Maybe a breakthrough though. When my WS found out how I was thinking tonight he actually melted down into a depressed state. He got shook up. We talked and maybe there is hope. I so needed him to do more than just doing the right things. I needed him to feel it. It made me upset to see him that way so going to think on it and take it day to day. I jump to conclusions quickly and just need to slow down.

((Deena04)). The highs will be high and the lows so very low. 10 months out and I am just now settling some where in the middle. I have felt the exact same way you do, probably right up until the 8-ish month mark. My husband was very remorseful from the get go, but didn't 'get it', the level of devestation, until the immediate crisis left. Once panic settle, the enormity hit him, more and more every day.

My husband is also a member. SI has been a great tool for us to use. He had other waywards further in their journey for guidance, to tell him when I raged at him and called him names, it was a good thing. Indifference is bad. He would read other bs post and ask me if I felt like that, apologize for being the source of that pain. Sometimes it's nice to know you aren't on the crazy train alone!!

The rule of thumb is give it 6 months and see how you feel then. If there is still some hope to R, give it 6 more. Don't push yourself to decide. You will likely bounce from R, divorce, not giving a shit and back to R again... Sometimes in the same day. Post and read often and above all, talk to him. Tell him what you're thinking and feeling. He needs to hear it and you need to let it out.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 11:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]