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Newest Member: ChumpInMP (46060)

User Topic: stunned into silence
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mods I apologize if this is seen as stealing cross forums. If so please lock or delete thread. Someone posted this snippet from an article online about romantic infidelity. I was stunned as it resonated.

From "Romantic Infidelity" http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2813 | Registered: Oct 2012
EvolvingSoul
♀ 29972
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I bookmarked this one a while ago. I had a similar reaction. Reading off point after point thinking, "check, check, check". The article goes on to say that these kinds of affairs burn themselves when there is nothing left to throw on the pyre. It was perhaps a message from my future self that enabled me to see, even through thick fog, that future moment of complete emotional ruin and the "Oh my God what have I done"-moment. So glad I chose mental health earlier rather than later.


Me: WS (53)
Him: Shards (48)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I am stunned as well. That is maybe the best, most comprehensive thing that has been written on the subject (given the length, anyway).

Should be required reading when you sign up here.

This really blew me backwards:

This can be mind-blowingly seductive and confusing to the kids. Sharing the secret of one parent's affair, and hiding it from the other parent, has essentially the same emotional impact as incest.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thread's ok.

ETA: This is via the Ditch-Dungeon express... aka we asked the Mods.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:00 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: This is via the Ditch-Dungeon express... aka we asked the Mods.

That stops at Hogwart's, right?


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the t/j. It really is a fantastic article.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more wonderfully insightful piece on the long, painful road to recovery. Thanks Unagie for sharing.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
obliquestrat
♂ 42165
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While everything didn't line up for my particular situation, and some of the statistical assertions seem to conflict with actual data, I found the "Romantic Infidelity" section in particular very interesting - a great lens through which a lot of problems can be viewed. Thanks for sharing it!


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While everything didn't line up for my particular situation, and some of the statistical assertions seem to conflict with actual data, I found the "Romantic Infidelity" section in particular very interesting - a great lens through which a lot of problems can be viewed.
I tried to take it more in the vein of "based on my 30 years or working observation, these are the trends I see." and less on the idea that it was irrefutable fact. For me, SI came to mind a lot while reading it....I thought of some examples that would conflict with his thoughts, but a ton more that fell right in line.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought this was a great article. I sent it to our therapist.

Thanks for posting this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
20Hopeful16
♀ 40487
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could get WH to read this. I wonder if he'd see as much of himself in it as I do.


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
TrulyReconciled
♂ 3031
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfect description of what happened to FWW to a 'tee.'


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21576 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
Topic Posts: 12

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