"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

starmoonchild posted 2/4/2014 21:30 PM

My H is out tonight by himself, and I'm pretty sure he's not with the OW....but, I do not really believe that, a year after DDay number 3. All with the same OW. I try like hell to believe him, but I simply don't, and I don't trust him, a year later. Shouldn't I be trusting him by now? God, I just want a normal life, when does that come? When do I stop imagining they're together? What does it take to trust again? If the affair in total lasted almost 2 years, does that make it more likely that they will re-connect? I keep thinking that he must still think about her, that she must still think about him. He told me about a month ago that he fell in love with her before the A started, and it has been driving me nuts ever since. Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?

still-living posted 2/5/2014 06:12 AM

For me it was a combination of:

1) Control, verifying, even testing, and my wife working hard at meeting my demands and earning my trust.
2) Learning about why my wife had the affair, and trusting myself that I could identify the signs if it happening again, and seeing that my wife is changing away from that person.
3) Strengthimg myself so that even if she does it again, I know I will be OK.

I do not rely on blind trust anymore, not with anyone. My trust is balanced against risk. Knowledge reduces your risk. Controlling is a heavy task. Keeping one foot out the door is not living.

LivinginLimbo posted 2/5/2014 06:31 AM

I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably will never fully trust again.

I am sorry that his going out has triggered you this way. Have you discussed this with him? Perhaps there's something he can do to reassure you when you're apart like this.

trynhard posted 2/5/2014 06:34 AM

Shouldn't I be trusting him by now?

It takes a long time to feel safe. Perhaps you will never feel really safe. You pay far more attention today and now realize that the only control over your life is you living up to that famous promise, "I do". It is now up to your H to pick up himself and behave as such.

There is a difference between trust and your thing you control behind those famous last feelings.

But you can trust. You trusted by allowing him time with other men. Men need men time just like women need woman time. If he went out to a spot you know may be a threat.. then tell him, "hey you go out all you want, but that place does not make me feel safe." then let him react and pay attention. Is he behaving in ways that make you feel safe?

Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?

Yes, because love is a choice.

Words of affirmation
quality time with you
Gifts
services to you and the family
touch

If he chooses to loves you in those different ways and you see it, your feelings will change. When you give love, those things above, you have those feelings. His feelings will change about that ow too if not already.

You are going to somehow get at peace with those feelings he once had for her. They may still be with him along with all those bad feelings too.. guilt, shame. It is like the same feelings you might have with an former lover or love. He can have those about the OW because that was then and this is today. That is when you accept.

"hey, life was not fair to me. People are not always loving. I accept what happened to me. I can have memories, the are what they are. I am looking at right now, how I feel today, how I behave today, I am worthy of nothing but fair treatment and I no longer accept any bad behaviors from my H, that is not what a M is about"

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:36 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 2/5/2014 11:27 AM

My W gave me 1 D-Day, and she turned remorseful immediately. She's been totally committed to and consistent in working for R since D-Day. I just started trusting her a few months ago, just before we hit our 3rd antiversary.

At 2.5 years out, I told our MC I thought my lack of trust was a problem. Her response was, 'It's too early to trust.'

A year after 3 D-Days? Why are you even dreaming of trusting him now?

Rebreather posted 2/5/2014 11:29 AM

What has he done to rebuild your trust? What is he doing while he is out alone to give you comfort?

demonshide posted 2/5/2014 11:46 AM

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]