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Reconciliation :
Shouldn't I trust him now?

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 starmoonchild (original poster member #39117) posted at 3:30 AM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

My H is out tonight by himself, and I'm pretty sure he's not with the OW....but, I do not really believe that, a year after DDay number 3. All with the same OW. I try like hell to believe him, but I simply don't, and I don't trust him, a year later. Shouldn't I be trusting him by now? God, I just want a normal life, when does that come? When do I stop imagining they're together? What does it take to trust again? If the affair in total lasted almost 2 years, does that make it more likely that they will re-connect? I keep thinking that he must still think about her, that she must still think about him. He told me about a month ago that he fell in love with her before the A started, and it has been driving me nuts ever since. Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?

posts: 268   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6671586
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still-living ( member #30434) posted at 12:12 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

For me it was a combination of:

1) Control, verifying, even testing, and my wife working hard at meeting my demands and earning my trust.

2) Learning about why my wife had the affair, and trusting myself that I could identify the signs if it happening again, and seeing that my wife is changing away from that person.

3) Strengthimg myself so that even if she does it again, I know I will be OK.

I do not rely on blind trust anymore, not with anyone. My trust is balanced against risk. Knowledge reduces your risk. Controlling is a heavy task. Keeping one foot out the door is not living.

posts: 1822   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2010
id 6671847
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LivinginLimbo ( member #35004) posted at 12:31 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably will never fully trust again.

I am sorry that his going out has triggered you this way. Have you discussed this with him? Perhaps there's something he can do to reassure you when you're apart like this.

BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years


D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.

posts: 1246   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2012
id 6671857
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trynhard ( member #22698) posted at 12:34 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

Shouldn't I be trusting him by now?

It takes a long time to feel safe. Perhaps you will never feel really safe. You pay far more attention today and now realize that the only control over your life is you living up to that famous promise, "I do". It is now up to your H to pick up himself and behave as such.

There is a difference between trust and your thing you control behind those famous last feelings.

But you can trust. You trusted by allowing him time with other men. Men need men time just like women need woman time. If he went out to a spot you know may be a threat.. then tell him, "hey you go out all you want, but that place does not make me feel safe." then let him react and pay attention. Is he behaving in ways that make you feel safe?

Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?

Yes, because love is a choice.

Words of affirmation

quality time with you

Gifts

services to you and the family

touch

If he chooses to loves you in those different ways and you see it, your feelings will change. When you give love, those things above, you have those feelings. His feelings will change about that ow too if not already.

You are going to somehow get at peace with those feelings he once had for her. They may still be with him along with all those bad feelings too.. guilt, shame. It is like the same feelings you might have with an former lover or love. He can have those about the OW because that was then and this is today. That is when you accept.

"hey, life was not fair to me. People are not always loving. I accept what happened to me. I can have memories, the are what they are. I am looking at right now, how I feel today, how I behave today, I am worthy of nothing but fair treatment and I no longer accept any bad behaviors from my H, that is not what a M is about"

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:36 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

posts: 2883   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: Indiana
id 6671859
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:27 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

My W gave me 1 D-Day, and she turned remorseful immediately. She's been totally committed to and consistent in working for R since D-Day. I just started trusting her a few months ago, just before we hit our 3rd antiversary.

At 2.5 years out, I told our MC I thought my lack of trust was a problem. Her response was, 'It's too early to trust.'

A year after 3 D-Days? Why are you even dreaming of trusting him now?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6672227
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Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 5:29 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

What has he done to rebuild your trust? What is he doing while he is out alone to give you comfort?

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8016   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 6672231
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demonshide ( new member #41824) posted at 5:46 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 6672257
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