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Supportive of R?

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alleyk posted 2/4/2014 22:38 PM

I was just thinking back upon my DDay, and realizing that every single person I confided in told me to get the hell out and fast. I really struggled with this because I wasn't sure how I felt, I was in such shock, and I didn't want to make an immediate decision.

In doing more reading and coming to SI, I find there are a ton of people that are supportive of R. Why do people around you have such a knee jerk reaction? I guess they are trying to protect you?


Lostinthismess posted 2/4/2014 23:00 PM

I think some are basing it on what they 'think' they would do. I said I would leave too and here I am. Confession time, my sister had a dday 2 weeks ago and I told her to leave. 7 ow over 2 years, what a clusterfuck. Staying is harder than leaving. I wish I could save her the pain of working through it. She felt she needed to try and I have offered her every ounce of support and advice I possibly can since. But when it comes down to it, I think every bs needs to at minimum, to be prepared to leave. Otherwise it's too easy to become a doormat. Personally, waiting for the ws to 'decide what they want' is bullshit in my book. Bust your ass to fix the mess you made or leave.

alleyk posted 2/4/2014 23:47 PM

Lostinthismess - I think you're right. In fact, you just made me recall speaking to a friend of mine a couple years ago who discovered an affair, and all I could say was she should leave him straight away!

I did think before my own DDay that if my H ever cheated I would be out the door so fast... and I almost was, because I thought that if I stayed it would show weakness. But, this is so true:

Staying is harder than leaving.

mesoSTUPID posted 2/5/2014 00:32 AM

Just today I was having this conversation with my WH. I have two daughters - 17 and 19. I always wonder what example am I giving them by staying with a cheater when I am sure if they were cheated on, I would cheer them to leave.

Today I thought it over some more. I think if you have been married less than 5 years and there are no children in the marriage RUN FORREST RUN. The first five years of your marriage should be the happiest. It's a time to discover each other in a different light with a LEGAL commitment. There is just the two of you... There should not be sufficient time for issues or problems that would warrant wayward behavior.

If you have been married for 20 years or more, that's practically a life sentence in jail. I would stay and work it out... I did. I am trying, although some days I think to myself what am I doing here.

But the most important thing regardless of how long you've been married is HOW REMORSEFUL IS YOUR WAYWARD? If my WH were not remorseful - want to crawl under a rock for the mess he made - then I am fairly certain I would have walked away regardless of years married or children.

This is my opinion today... Ask me again tomorrow because it's subject to change without warning.

Indifferentman posted 2/5/2014 00:43 AM

I think there is also some selection bias at play here. People trying to reconcile will participate in this forum more often and ask for advice more often, and share their experiences more often than people that have decided to leave.

jupiter13 posted 2/5/2014 02:02 AM

Most of the "friends" no longer call or come around. I don't even worry about it I'm too busy most days to sit around and chit chat like they do or like I did at one time. Being healthy and up walking around has changed me a lot but I knew it was going to change everything as soon as that l surgery was over but I never expected this.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 2/5/2014 08:55 AM

the people with the knee jerk reaction are the ones you need to listen to the least. I always thought an A was a deal breaker and I would be gone. 13 months later, here i sit. People can judge all they want.....but until they have walked in your shoes, they have no idea the actual emotions, the actual feelings, the actual struggles. There is no road quite like this road we BS's travel!

I agree that it has a lot to do with the WS and what they do after DDay. I am one of the "fortunate" ones whose WH "got it" right away. it doesn't make the pain easier or less....but it does help with the R path.

regardless, the path you choose is YOUR path. Follow what your heart and gut tell you, and every one else be damned.

hugs to you!

Kap12 posted 2/5/2014 09:28 AM

I think it is easy for people to say walk away because they are in it emotionally like you are. My husband and I decided we weren't going to tell everyone about my affair because of them wanting to share their beliefs on what we should do. One day they will all know and it will be because we have fully reconciled and are a true success story that people can be proud to know. I think the easy road is the one where you choose to walk away and by committing to reconcile is the tougher road and in the end the one most people should go down.

Lionne posted 2/5/2014 09:39 AM

I don't necessarily think it's easier to leave than to stay. That's a decision that requires as much hard work and bravery as the other. It's just too individual to categorize.

I definitely agree with the statement that you have to be prepared to walk away. The WS has to do whatever it takes to repair the damage. Even then it may not be enough. It may simply be a deal breaker.

And yet, sometimes no decision needs to happen immediately. Again, that's not for the WS, but to give the BS time to regroup, time to make choices from a place of strength not weakness.

Many on SI have successfully R and many have successfully separated.

IamDyingInside posted 2/5/2014 09:42 AM

I couldn't agree more with the previous posts! Most people say they wouldn't stand for infidelity but the fact of the matter is; until you have walked in these shoes, you have no idea what you will do!! I think most people that say they would leave have never been in this situation.

alleyk posted 2/8/2014 03:17 AM

((Kap12)) - I think that is inspiring that you did not tell anyone about the affair. I do think it is a private matter. I think the main reason I wanted others to know was to (1) shame my WH, and (2) to force him to make the right decision of breaking it off and staying with me. He begged me not to tell anyone else on DDay. But I felt like if I didn't, there would be no consequence, no external pressure... How has that worked in your situation?

jpumpkin posted 2/8/2014 13:25 PM

I agree with those that say until you've walked in these shoes, it's so easy to say what you would do. I think a lot of people view spouses that stand by a wayward as weak. That's not the case. There is a lot to consider. I knew someone who was very vocal that I should up and leave after I confided I had suspicions but not proof of things with WS. Fast-forward a couple of years and she has a full confession from her SO & she tried to reconcile with him herself. You just don't know.

lilmonkey posted 2/8/2014 13:48 PM

I had always said that I would end a relationship if someone cheated on me.

Of course, now that it's happened, it's completely different. You love someone so much and you want to believe that they can be better, do better.

I am supportive of reconciliation that sounds worth it. Since I've been in a betrayed position before, I can understand where others are coming from when they struggle in limbo. However, if it's with a SO that is not remorseful, emotionally/physically abusive or a serial cheater, then I definitely do not support reconciliation for the safety and wellbeing of the betrayed person.

All my friends didn't say much when I decided to stay, and now we aren't really friends anymore. It's almost like they didn't want to offend me by telling me how they really felt, so they didn't talk to me at all. Literally. I barely hear from them, they were never there for me during the healing process - I basically had to rely on the unfaithful boyfriend and my sister to get through it all.

[This message edited by lilmonkey at 1:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

alleyk posted 2/8/2014 14:17 PM

((lilmonkey)) - I'm experiencing a similar thing with about half of my friends. Some still call to check in on me, and allow me to vent even if they thought I should leave initially. Others seemed to have turned their backs. It's terrible because when you're at the lowest point in your life some people can't help but abandon you. Its sort of twisted. I may not agree with what choices other people make but I certainly don't want o judge or project onto them.

Even those that have remained, I find it difficult to talk to them. I guess I have feeling of shame that I've stayed in a marriage that has betrayed me. Again, I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated, so I guess I'm just shaming myself. I should stop that!

lilmonkey posted 2/8/2014 20:37 PM

((alleyk)) I know exactly how you feel. I haven't agreed with plenty of things that my friends have done but I still listen to them. Hell, one of my best friends ended up being the OW in another relationship and she called me. Even though I had been through infidelity, and she KNEW how much it hurt me, she called me to tell me that she was the OW in another relationship. I was disappointed - from witnessing me in the past year, she knew how much infidelity affects the betrayed person - but I still LISTENED to her, helped her when she felt dirty and ashamed.

I find it difficult to talk to anybody about it. Honestly, when I did speak about it, I felt my friends were judging me. Whenever I complain "I don't know if I can stay with him" or "I don't know how to feel", I think my friends are just simple-mindedly thinking "so dump him already " because they don't know what it's like, and they never will unless it happens to them.

I already feel low enough to stay with someone who has cheated, sometimes I question my confidence and self-esteem. But my friends, who also judge me and have even kept their distance from me because of it, just reinforce it. They make me feel like I am weak and pathetic. It's sad really. I only have one friend who has been extremely supportive (even though she has never experienced infidelity) and she even encourages me to stay with my WBF because she can tell how strong our relationship is and she believes it can really work.

[This message edited by lilmonkey at 8:38 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

CantLoseHope posted 2/8/2014 20:58 PM

In my experience, those I have spoken to always say to me "I don't know how you do it, I wouldn't be able to do it"
So I agree with some of the above that they are probably thinking what they themselves would do......I bet even some of us prior to our DDays may have said the same thing to others going through it.... THe truth of the matter is, unless you have been in the situation or are in the situation can you say for what you would do in all reality..... One word I stopped throwing around so easily is the word NEVER...... I don't often use the word NEVER anymore.....

And those that judge your decision in R aren't worth speaking to in first place, they don't know what its like, they don't know what you're feeling and they don't know all the details.....

Also, keep in my mind.... its "easy" to just run away from your problems, and thats most peoples first reactions is to flee.

Oldernotwiser posted 2/8/2014 21:02 PM

I wish I would've found out earlier and I really wish I would not have stayed. I got married "for life" feel like I got life in prison, now it feel unable to run.

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