SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've destroyed a perfect marriage over 10 years ago and continued to destroy it for years. Back in 2003 I had a one time sexual encounter, in my office. Why, I blamed the internet at the time. I got online in a chat room which at first seemed inesent, being just people hanging out chatting about anything. Soon people started going to another site and I followed. This turned into a more sexual site filled with innuendos and gatherings( I never attended) but was clearly not for happily married people. I stayed and started to engage in innuendos and started conversations with other women. They found me funny and witty and this ony made me get to now them. This turned into me getting a woman to my office and we had sex. I never thought twice about doing it which still haunts me as to why. How low of a person am I. I stopped working there and worked conservative to home on this later and didn't get online for years, just didn't seem important anymore. Year 2008 comes along and I start talking to a woman that's been coming into my work place. She smiles pays attention to me and poof I'm off to the races. I set up a yahoo account and find out she has one and we exchange emails and start IM each other. Soon it's becoming sexual in nature and we start an affair that lasts almost a year. She's single lives with her daughter(grown never home) and I see her 2-3 times a month.

Now my BS has no idea because she would have never realized I coud do such a thing. I blamed her for everything from me having to do everything at home, for her, this and that. She was in pain from back issues and I'm blaming her for being lazy. I'm blaming her for not helping with dinner, laundry and cleaning. Thinking she is just lazy and could care less about these things because "hey, he'll do them". We horrible arguments around these things and I felt nothing ever changed. I'm not sure if this was my reason for the affairs or I'm just a cold hearted monster.

My BS goes away to plan a wedding, out of state, and I get online and start a second affair. Online I again blamed my wife and I was the poor husband doing everything at home. I'm texting both women 100 of times a day ranging from the "how's your day" to sexual texts. Even while in another state at my daughters wedding I'm texting on of them.

I'm stil getting online once in a while in chat rooms looking. By fall 2009 I have a one time encounter with someone. Weeks later I'm on that same site and find another women I start an affair with while still with the other 2.

At home I'm getting home from work, sometimes texting while in the driveway, before coming in. Stil doing my "chores" and going about life. My BS and I aren't having sex much at all but I still felt having a marriage. We went on trips, getaways and family time.

Still getting online I find someone near my home town and start texting and webcam with her. I'm doing sexual things on camera. My BS would come home and I'd close down cam and tell her I just came home to get something for work and leave. Sometimes I'd come home and leave before BS and she would never know.

Three ongoing affairs, doing things on cam and still being home with BS. All this time I'm treating these affairs with no emotional involvement. I saw it as only sexual since these were only sexua encounters. We never met outside their place and sex was the only goal. That's a cold hearted monster.

About 3 weeks before Christmas 2009, while I'm at work, AP2 calls our house and tells BS I'm cheating. My BS calls me and I start lieing, " who" "I don't now anyone with that name" ...

I do come home and slowly admit the affair with AP2 and online cam person. However, i trickle the truth out like a eye dropper. I have no contact again with anyone after that call. Months to tell the truth and probably longer.

I have been in IC and MC but not sure of the results.

Jump to July 2012 and we renew our vows on the beach while on vacation. It was a beautiful thing.

Jump ahead to November and someone that works for our company I start texting. At first it's truly company related but we continue to text and it becomes another affair, AP5. Worse yet it becomes emotional not sexual. Feelings between us grow to the degree that I write a horrible, to BS, emai to AP5 that proclaims my love and wish to start a life with AP5 and kids. Even gets more hurtful saying I haven't loved anyone since college, before BS.

BS finds email and our life crashes again, in spring 2013. It ends with AP5 after I leave a VM, ending it and proclaiming my love for BS.

I post this not to claim prize for worst WH ever, that's a given, but to ask your opinions on what is wrong with me. My BS needs me to take responsibility for what I've done. I know what I did is unforgettable and unforgivable. I continue to not do enough. I don't do simple things BS asks of me. This post took weeks for me to do after she asked and asked.

BS has given me a million chances( I kid you not) and I continue to blow each one. No reading, no posts, no IC, no responsibility, no remorse and no acts of love.

While this is horrible of me I'm lost on what to do. Now my small list of do's are flowers(almost never letting a vase I bought in 2009 to go empty) some cards, romantic getaways(mostly at BS request).

Worst yet is when these horrible affairs are brought up ill shut down not talk for days get defensive. All the wrong things but I continue to do it even after promises not to. Each time i promise to not shut down I do mean it at the time but once it comes up I shut down.

Is all lost? Any saving grace? Any hope? Any future?

Believe me, all comments welcome from WS and BS

HealingMy Angel - I have been in IC and MC but not sure of the results.

First of all, if you have been in IC and MC before and can sit here and say you are not sure of the results (for personal healing or marriage rebuilding), then you need to march right back to those counsellors and get your damn money back because for sure, they must be incompetent. Or Not!

Perhaps it’s really a case of getting out what you put in to the situation. Have you been open, honest and trustworthy between AP 1 and AP 5? By your own words, you were not and continue not to be. So, again, I stress the point that you only get results from IC and MC when you put forth time, money, effort, commitment etc. You failed and continue to fail in this regard.

HealingMy Angel - BS has given me a million chances( I kid you not) and I continue to blow each one. No reading, no posts, no IC, no responsibility, no remorse and no acts of love.

One of my tag lines is the phrase, 2nd Chance and that was picked not because I was begging for one but at another level, it was the only other one that my wife was willing to grant. Your wife has had to deal with more d-days (discovery day, death days, and disgust days) that you can shake a stick and you still have no remorse? Wow, is all I can say. Wow because your wife must be an amazing person to have stood by you and wow, because it seems to me that you are deliberately trying to destroy your marriage by inaction.

HealingMy Angel - While this is horrible of me I'm lost on what to do.

I would suggest filing for divorce. It would seem to me that you really don’t care about your wife. I understand feeling guilt and shame for your actions but if there is no remorse and empathy for your wife, then it seems to me that there is no emotional connection anymore.

I think you need to flip and coin and make a decision. Letting your wife go might not address the broken WS that you are but it just might let her have an opportunity to heal from the pain of this all. Then without having to worry about your BS and your marriage, you can if you want, make the decision to start your own discovery and healing journey.

HealingMy Angel - Is all lost? Any saving grace? Any hope? Any future?

Personally, because I’m having a shitty day and reacting quite emotionally to your story, I feel that the lack of remorse, some 10 years after your first affair, is indicative that you really have zero commitment to your wife and your marriage. I would suggest that your continuing decision to not take any steps to healing is indicative of a sub-conscious desire to end your marriage. So, do everyone a favour and make the hard decision.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 7:47 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

You're not a monster. You've made bad choices.

So why do you not want things to improve? Your actions are declaring that you don't, loud and clear. How can you change that message?

Do you even want to?

All is NOT lost, if you want to make this right. As far as a future... that's up to her and your actions.

I'm so so very sad for your wife. Her integrity and strength, in how you've described her, is amazing. All I can imagine right now is how much she needs support, comfort, and serious remorse from you...yet it sounds like you don't have it.

Please know this isn't meant as an attack. My hope is you are genuinely wanting to change. I'm a BGF. But I've also been a BW and a BGF in another relationship. Unfortunately I have too much experience with this.

Here's the thing... it sounds like you know those "little" things you're doing have zero to do with R. You're continuing to live your marriage as though nothing has changed. Before you read any further...please ask yourself if you really want advice. If you're doing this just to humor your BW, stop and walk away. She deserves to heal and eventually be with a man who will give her all she deserves.

If, and I hope this is the case, you really want to change, please listen to what all these people here have to say. Follow their advice. You're taking the easy way out. This will not fix things. I realize you're saying you hear what your BW says...and you know what you should be doing...but you don't feel it. Well stand up and do it then!!! Don't wait around to feel it first. I guarantee the end result will be a D. If you want to stay married, and you don't want to lose this incredible woman, then quit making excuses.

First, whether you think it will work, or not, please get in IC. For some reason you're blocking yourself from feeling anything real. An IC can help you, if you want it. Trust me on this. Also, I hope your BW is able to talk with an IC. I know how she feels, and let me tell you...it's one of the most painful things I've experienced. She's alone and yet she's still standing by your side. I want to cry for her.

Next, are you completely transparent? Make yourself an open book. She needs ALL accounts, passwords, and access to everything at any time. Don't wait for her to ask for these. Do them. It means far more than flowers.

No female friends. No personal conversations to any females other than wife and family. This means no discussing the dinner last night, no discussion of the movie you saw. Nada. Keep those discussion to men only. You've shown you have no boundries with females, and it's time to start. No exceptions. Again, do this without her asking.

When she wants to talk...listen. Just listen. If she asks questions, answer with the complete truth. Stop walking away. It's as simple as that. Can you imagine the pain she's going through, and what's going on in her mind????? Deciding to ask questions, talk about it, cry over it...it's beyon painful for us. And for every day you refuse this for your wife, it's another day of pure utter painful hell she has to go through. Don't allow yourself the option of walking away or blocking it.

Read here. Daily. I believe there is a letter in the library called "Joseph's Letter" (hope I'm correct of the title). READ IT. But also, I've found reading in the Just Found Out forum, and General forum also gives you a very raw and painful insight into the pain a B goes through. You need to see this pain. I don't see how a truly remorseful W could read these posts, and not start to change their actions.

Make your BW the focus of your everything. Trust me, she needs you right now. Flowers and little chores done are nice, but they should be done just because you want to make each other happy. Repairing the damage done by your A's is something entirely different. It sounds like you know this. Don't do the work because you have a guarantee it will work. Do it because she's worth it, regardless of the outcome.

I'm a BS, no stop sign so...

I don't feel any remorse from your post at all. None. It's all, "I'm a monster woe is me". It's all about you.

What about your wife??? As you stated, she's given you numerous chances and you've repeatedly thrown them back in her face. You're doing it right now.

Flowers, vacations, they don't fix this. Every time my husband brought me flowers I wanted to throw them in his face. Getting defensive, not doing what she needs to feel safe, her having to beg you to post, is not remorse.

You blamed her for years, despite health issues. Do you still use this as justification? My husband did this too, it killed me inside. Then, he got I'll and saw a fraction of what I went through and realized what a manipulative ass he had been.

My husband had 4 APs. I am reconciling. Why? Because he finally started fixing himself and us.

He went to MC and IC.

He went to 12 step sex addiction meetings.

He stopped being defensive, answered any and all questions.

He comforted me when I cried.

He sincerely apologized for individual actions.

He read books.

Full transparency, I have access to everything.

He stopped lying.

He put everything into our marriage.

If you aren't willing to do all of that and more? End the marriage. You will hurt her again and again.

Well, I'm not having a shitty day and I kind of agree with Hufi above.

Look, from your join date, you have been aware of this site since 2010, done IC, MC and whatever else you have done yet you continue to have affairs, seemingly anytime the opportunity arises. Amazingly, I see little to no actual remorse for what you have done to your wife and family. As another said, your wife must embody the principals of Christian grace beyond compare, have a very high tolerance for abuse or simply be terrified.

You have no idea how lucky you are to even have a chance at anything.

At his point there is no room at all for shutting down and not talking about things for days - Do you think she is going to forget?

Its all on you now, "Do or Do Not, there is no Try" comes to mind. If you are serious, get back to or find a competent IC, talk about the hard things, explore sexual addiction and FOO and everything else and really DO the work you need to do. The little things you do are nice, but the only real gift you can give is to fix yourself.

As Hufi said, DECIDE, your wife deserves better.

[This message edited by Finally10 at 10:21 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Finally10...

You have a PM.

HMA, you're detached. Not only from your wife, but from yourself. It's evident in the passive voice of your writing. It's as if you're watching yourself in a movie, and you have no control over the plot.

Maybe I'm projecting, because I was a cold-hearted monster too. Difference is, when I got caught, I decided to get help...not because someone forced me to, but because I recognized how broken I was. That no matter what the outcome of our marriage, I had to get help for me. Not once in this missive do you say you want to change, you want to heal. Do you?

The other difference I see between me, the recovering cold-hearted monster, and you is...I know DDay #2 would be BH's last. The M would be over. You've continued to fall off the wagon because you can. Not saying this is your wife's fault, not even a little. But she keeps taking you back, so you have little incentive to change.

What's wrong with you? You're self-medicating. When you feel stressed or sad or lonely, you look to outside sources for the cause (like your lazy wife who you never loved) and the treatment (these women who found you funny and witty).

Is there any hope, you ask? Hope is for children. Grown-ups don't need hope. We are the masters of our own destiny. We can make our lives anything we want them to be, if we're strong enough to dig in and do the work.

Your marriage is in great danger of dying. For me, defensiveness is the one thing I absolutely cannot tolerate. You need to figure out how to stop being defensive when your wife needs to talk. Defensiveness to me was the #1 indication that my husband was lying or hiding something. When he stopped being defensive, I started to foster a tiny bit of hope for our marriage.

This is hard, hard, hard work. You really have to set aside your pride if you want to save your marriage. Are you able to do that? If not, it's kindest to leave. If you do want to save it, you need to drop the defensiveness, smash your webcam with a hammer (or better yet, let your wife do it), remove any and all passwords from your phone/computer (or give her a list of passwords), give her access to your phone bill, etc. etc. It CAN be done, it's just not easy. But it's worth it.

His marriage is dead, but don't feel bad he didn't value it anyway

HealingMy Angel have you had a psychological evaluation done? Make an appointment with a psychiatrist! You need to rule out mental illness. Also if you're IC and not seeing any evidence it is helping you then change therapists. They are like people in any other profession...there are some good ones and there are some bad ones. Find one that will help you. Have you read up on sexual addiction? Just another suggestion to help you.

All of us need hope. It's inhumane to suggest that we don't. Best wishes to you.

Be proactive and get some answers. Don't just accept this condition you are in! You are not healthy to be making such harmful choices and to be feeling so out of control.

I think you are truly not able to be in any kind of relationship until you fix yourself.

To do the right thing, I think you should divorce your wife and let her find someone who values her as a human being, and respects her.

like others have posted, you haven't even BEGAN to scrape the surface of doing anything to fix yourself. You aren't even trying! Either give it 100% or set her free. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

I hope you do some serious thinking!

Thank you for posting. Your post sounds similar to something I might have posted a couple years ago. I was a huge asshole to my W after 3 As and a period of drug abuse that followed DDay #3. I wanted everything to just go away. I half-assed my way through things that would have made her feel safer. Stop wallowing in self pity. Don't be a dick. Fix your issues or set her free. Stringing her along and not doing the work is cruel and is harming her. Please stop. As far as fixing yourself and your M, shit or get off the pot. Please don't kid yourself and be honest with her. No one deserves to be held hostage emotionally. From the sound of it, she has been very generous with her heart and she deserves to have that heart handled with care. Good luck.

sweetangelbroken and 4everfaithful83 ...

This is the WS Forum, be respectful or you will be removed from in here.

None of the WS's deserve your sarcastic remarks.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:24 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Sorry if I offended any ws. I did not intend my remark as sarcastic but as the truth. I am the bs in this post. This post and the responses help me understand I wasn't crazy to feel the way I did but I was crazy to continue to tolerate it

[This message edited by sweetangelbroken at 12:03 AM, February 7th (Friday)]