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I really need help understanding this. He's telling me that I made him feel defensive and I truly don't understand how.

The night before last, he came home from work. We didn't hug and kiss, as we normally do and I wondered why. At that point, I thought to myself, "don't worry, he's probably having a shitty day, or it's been a shitty drive, ask him how his day was and you'll probably find out and everything will be be ok. I poured him some coffee, poured myself one and sat on the couch. I said "So how was your day?"

At this point, I saw a look of anger spread across his face and he responded angrily, "Well how was yours? I answered by telling him that I'd been shopping, spoken to a friend on the phone, done some household tasks.

Please help - what did I do wrong? He say's it's my tone, that I make him feel defensive. I don't think I had an aggressive tone or spoke to him disrespectfully. It's an ongoing problem for me. He gets offended frequently when I ask I ask how he's feeling or how his day and I don't understand why he can't just answer the question without having my motives questioned.

I'm so confused. Am I crazy?

Your not crazy!

WS tells me all the time that my "tone" sets him off. It's complete bullshit,just his way of deflection. Let me be pissy, and react in anger so she will shut up. FTG!

You.are not crazy. He was pissed off at something else and took it out on you. Let me reassure you...its not you its him.

Lets review your husband came home and immediately you felt something was off. So that's thinking he had a crap day, you made him a cup of coffee ( and one for yourself) and asked him about his day and he turned on you like a rabid dog.

BTDT...several times. Fuck this pisses me off. When my marriage finally fell apart one of the things that gave me relief was not having to walk on egg shellsnand decifer his moods.

This is an example that you cannot nice him back into the relationship. I am so sorry. You are worthy of much better treatment.

Ok a few things came to mind.

Are you reconciled? My H would pull shit like this when he didn't get to see OW or do any A related thing he wanted.

It does sound like he is deflecting.

In any case it isn't YOU. All you did was try to engage him like an adult and he reacted like a two year old.

No, you're not crazy.

Sounds to me like he was setting you up for a no win situation.

If you DIDN'T ask him about his day then he probably would have yelled at you about how you "don't care about him". But you DID, so you have "tone".

Ignore him. Let him be pissy all by himself.

Oh, I feel for you. That walking-on-eggshells feeling is just awful.

You did NOTHING. He came home in a foul mood, could not even own that, and made it about you. What a fragile little ego he's working with these days.

It's NOT about you.

Is he in IC?

My WS does this all the time! If I ask him something it was in the "wrong tone" if I answer his question it is in the "wrong tone". I am constantly saying things "wrong"..... It makes me crazy! I prefer not to talk to him at all most days but that is just as bad because then I have an "attitude"...... It is a no win situation... You are not crazy. I think one of the other posters had it right when they said he was deflecting and you would lose either way.

That's how my FWH acted while trying to coordinate with the prostitute and porning it up.

Sounds like he's still hiding stuff, to me.

That's how my H acted when he would come home off the road after being with OW all week. When I ask him about it now, he said he was deflecting anger from being sick with himself about what he was doing. The stress of maintaining 2 relationships, feeling guilty and sometimes it was because I was interfering with his time. He wanted to be left alone so he could communicate with OW. I tend to believe the latter.

Wh did this ALL THE TIME when he was knee deep with chickie-pooh. It didn't stop after the first d-day and now I know that is because he was lying. The stress he was putting on himself made him act like a first class jerk toward me.

I blinked too slow once which set him off

ANYWAY - Once d-day3 happened --- his stupidity of judging me scaled back dramatically. He still has his moments, but I'm fairly sure it's not because he is knee deep with chickie-pooh.

All that to say.... Are you sure OW isn't still in the picture?

I agree with everybody here too (from my male perspective).

He had a bad day due to his coward OW and somehow that's your fault.

Remember, 180!

Hmmm, my ws says I make a particular "face" that irritates him. Tough shit!! You did nothing wrong. Something else pissed him off and your the dog thst gets kicked.

After reading the above posts...does sound familiar . My ws tends to be am ass no matter what but when he was really involved with ow , he was especially touchy, I also figured out that sometimes it was him trying to keep two relationships going. When she was pressuring him to D..it was impossible to be in the same room..I couldn't even pick uo dog shit properly..that's really true. I got yelled at on the phone because he was trying to do his job and my text interrupted him. It was because he was blowing the phone up with ow and I was in the way.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 11:27 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Just wanted to say thanks everyone for the replies.

Not enough hours today, but thanks again :)