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Should I Stay Or Should I Go (long)

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MindF0cked posted 2/5/2014 05:03 AM

From the beginning.... Married 6 years, 3 small children and tons of ups and downs. 3 months ago my WH moved out of the house not far from our home. During this time we were suppose to be working on ourselves. He still came over and we continued having sex he assured me he wasn't seeing anyone and he was doing right by me. About a month and a half ago my intuition kicked in overdrive I knew something was amiss. Still he continued to lie to me assure me everything was okay and dandy and he wanted to come home. Three weeks ago I went to his house knocked on the door and a woman answers the door in shorts and a tank top it was freezing temps outside so she wasn't just visiting. So he came to the door walked outside to talk with me I asked who she was and why he was alone with her. His response his buddies sister and she was packing her brothers things because he was not getting along with his friend. Bullshit except it is his friends sister. So after he pushed me off the porch after I insisted I would like to hear it from her I walked home convincing myself he was telling the truth after all he was coming back home right? the lies we tell ourselves to protect our hearts... Next day I was coming home from the store and I seen a car behind me pull into his drive so I stopped in the middle of the road put it in park and ran up his drive and it was her again and she had groceries in her car. She looked at me and said hey blah de blah I asked her are you and my husband together or something and she said yes so I punched her in the face a couple times it was a reflex I couldn't believe the audacity this lady had. I Assumed she knew about me come to find out she was being lied to the whole time too. So my WH starts moving back home I told him I would forgive him but we had to talk about it but he just wanted to sweep it under the rug and start anew. After a few days of me asking him if we could talk about it he got really angry and started yelling and telling me stuff .she did live there. He says it was going on for a month and a half but I suspect longer. She didn't know about me and him still having relations. I didn't want details I just wanted to have a conversation so we could work through it and he couldn't do that. Now he guards his phone with his life which he has never done so I asked him if I could see it and he said I don't want no drama if I give you my phone and she calls or texts while you have it and I didn't hear anything after that. He says its over but why would she be calling or texting him? My gut tells me he's still seeing her and his actions and words also tell me this but im still trying to convince myself its in my head just as he is trying to convince me of this. He is allowed to look through any phone computer email anything of mine no questions asked as I have nothing to hide. He obviously does. He shows no remorse for the pain he has caused. He is not trying to work on our marriage and I am. When I go out of my way to show him affection he pushes me away most of the time. I feel pathetic. Things were better between us when he was lying to me. I keep replaying the last three months in my head and putting pieces of the puzzle together everything is starting to make sense. I wish he would have told me i would have happily moved on divorced and not have to feel like this. Im not ready to talk to family/friends about this so im coming here to talk to people who can relate give me advice and reassure me im not losing my mind. This isn't WH first affair during my first pregnancy he had his first affair with a girl he worked with but we separated right after that one started so he wasn't having sex with both of us for months like this one. sorry for all the rambling. Any advice on how to handle these types of situations is greatly appreciated.

trynhard posted 2/5/2014 05:39 AM

I think you know the answer. It sounds like he makes his choice.

You take as much money as you can get, then you leave. Hire an attorney and end it. The pain will only be for a short time.

He is not worthy of you. People like your H are just boys. He is not mature and is no man. Don't you want a masculine man to be married too?

my 2 cents.

Lola88 posted 2/5/2014 06:25 AM

So sorry for your pain and glad you found SI for support.

It sounds like he's checked out of your marriage at least temporarily and you deserve so much better. Unfortunately if you continue to put up with his behaviour, you will have it all your life while you are with him. He sounds over confident that you will put up with anything he does. Show him he's wrong!

Read up on the healing library, do the 180 and get legal advice. You don't have to make any big decisions until you feel ready but you will feel stronger for having the information.

You sound young, please don't waste your life on him - it goes by so quickly - give yourself the opportunity to find someone you deserve. (((Hugs))). Lola x

norabird posted 2/5/2014 11:03 AM

He shows no remorse for the pain he has caused. He is not trying to work on our marriage and I am.

You MUST go. You are working on a marriage with someone who does not deserve you. Who doesn't even want you or show you kindness. Who disrespects you. Your gut is telling you he's still cheating? Guess what, your gut is right.

Find your bitch boots. Stand up for yourself. Kick him out. Cut him off. Do not ask him for love, affection, anything. See a lawyer. You need to start working on your own happiness, to put your energy into yourself. This guy is not worth it to make an extreme understatement.

trying1 posted 2/5/2014 11:23 AM

I am so sorry you are here. The lack of your WH willingness to end other relationships and contact, along with the lack of transparency seems to indicate that he is not trying. You deserve someone who will try. To get through this hell with a completely remorseful spouse is incredibly difficult. I can't see you making it with one that is not fully committed (and you deserve to have one who is). It might be good for you to look at the 180. IMO Get strong and get out.

Things will get better. My thoughts and hopes are for you. Be strong.

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