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Can't get over it

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Girlygirly2006 posted 2/5/2014 05:45 AM

Though my partner and I are in RC I'm finding it more and more difficult to get over all that has happened in our relationship I've never cried as much as I have done in any other relationship as I do in this one. I keep thinking our relationship was a lie throughout and now even though he's trying hard I find that I can't truly believe anything he says as he ayes the same things he did all way through .. I love yous etc .. How can someone who says they love you so much and can't live without you treat me the way he has! He says he doesn't no (helpful not) everyday is a struggle now though it's been 4 months since his latest encounter .. I feel like I'm cracking up one min I'm ok next I'm crying like a baby!! Driving me insane .. He won't leave he says he wants only me always has etc etc like I say he is trying but I think It may be too late!

Dallas2 posted 2/5/2014 08:56 AM


You aare still in the early stages of this rollercoaster ride and most here advise against any major decsion for 6 months to a year, Unless you know that the A's are a dealbreaker. If that is the case let go and heal on your own. Sounds like you are undecided.

Is he in IC? Are you? Can you go to couple therapy? Have you read any books on recovery? There are plenty and they help a lot. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a good one Lige After Betrayal is alos good. Have done the 180 at all? I only did certain parts that helped me and I still go back to it when I feel like I'm falling.

Hugs girly you are not alone in this nightmare.

KatyDo posted 2/5/2014 12:56 PM

Hi Girly - it sounds like the affairs were not just a one-time thing. Given all of that it's quite reasonable for you to feel doubtful. I can also relate to your pain - I've been crying a lot too. More than I think I can bear. I think what you have to do is look at whether he's really showing you he wants to change anything that would stop the behaviour. Maybe he is just having his cake and eating it too - as many are inclined to say here on this board.

Also, there may be a betrayal bond at work here. It's been found that those who continue in painful relationships where there are also intermittent loving times have a greater intensity of bonding due to shared trauma. It's similar to Stockholm syndrome. There's a whole book called "The betrayal bond." If that's the case, then time away and other supports can really help regain perspective and help in determining what a healthy relationship should feel like for you.

Especially if you don't have a long-term marriage or children involved it doesn't seem reasonable to expose yourself to such a high risk of being hurt again if he is a serial cheater unwilling to change his ways.

Girlygirly2006 posted 2/7/2014 05:48 AM

Thanks for the support it really helps .. It seems though after the last time where he actually met this girl and took her to a hotel (they both state no sex took place ) mmmm though he wanted it to. He made all his apologises etc saying he can't live without me etc though I've heard that all before to be honest .. All his words I've heard before though Not long after taking him back I found he'd been looking on "his " usual sites again though he denied it, again I deleted all history and since then nothing has appeared and he seems as though he is trying .. No internet on phone or home etc though it's so hard to trust anyone after all the stuff I've encountered through my relationship with him.. I'm giving it a few more months if I still feel like this I'm gonna have to call it a day for my own sanity.

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