SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

There have been shady actions throughout our relationship but I technically just found out/couldn't deny it anymore. Together 5 years, M for 6 monyhs. WS has been distant since starting a new job, which was supposed to be travel based but WS decided there was more "opportunity" in staying local. Opportunity to cheat with the Boss! Lots of back and forth, wanting to work on our marriage one day and the next blaming me, namecalling and denying. From reading this site I knew I needed to push WS off the fence so I asked WS to leave last night. I didn't know I could hurt this much. I'm working on NC and getting doctor's and counseling appointments. I feel so sick all I want to do is lie on the bathroom floor. You are all so helpful, please help me see what else I can do to get through this. Thank you.

((ForwardFromHere))

I am so sorry. I know the pain you are in. Take a deep breath and PLEASE take care of yourself. I got very sick from not eating and sleeping. You need to take care of yourself. My DDay was 7/31/13. On the positive side, we decided we wanted to stay together and got into therapy. It has been a long, tough road with a lot of tears, but we are doing great. I think you need to go to the doctor and please get tested for STD's. I know it sound harsh, but it is necessary. Next, get something to help you sleep from your doctor. If you are going to stay together, get into therapy. I was Stalked by the "OW" and her identity was revealed to me by Law Enforcement and then he confessed to the 2 1/2 year affair that was on again...off again. He met her during his lunch hours, so I had no idea !!!! He was home every night. He also had a secret cell phone. She started stalking me 6 months before the affair was revealed. She started by calling my cell phone and blocking her number. It is a VERY long story...but the stalking was extensive. Police told me that she stalked me because she was jealous of me...that is what she told the Police. My "H" told me that she was mad because he was trying to get away from her. I am now in court because she has 4 felonies, and stalking charges. Even after I had a protective order, she still continued to come after me. It took me months to find a lot of stuff out. Cheaters like to minimize, so ask questions. Get the full story. To this day, she is now "spamming" my email and signing me up for all kind of sexual sites and products. I now have the police involved again with my Attorney and we are trying to get the Judge to sign an order to male her turn over her computer !!! The biggest piece of advise I can give you is to take care of you. Take one day at a time. "Hugs to you"

I'm so sorry you're here.

It does get more manageable. For me the pain hasn't lessened, but I've learned to manage it better. In the beginning, I was laying on the floor just like you!!

Personally, I needed that time. It is such a traumatic experience. I needed to process it. It was awful. It is awful. But I'm dealing with it better now.

If you need to allow yourself time for floor-laying, set a time limit. Set the timer on your phone or your stove or whatever. Give yourself an hour to lay on the floor. Then get up, have some water, and tackle one chore that needs to be done. If you need to, give yourself permission to lay on the floor again.

Just keep reminding yourself that you're going to be OK.

I second nekorb. When I got overwhelmed at work by thoughts of what happened, sometimes I went into the bathroom, laid on the floor, and cried for as long as I needed to. Then, after ten or twenty minutes, I got up, wiped my face, and went back to my desk. You'll be happy to know that I'm three weeks out from DDay 2 and haven't had to resort to this for a week or two. But I needed it then, and it was fine to do. You have to process the feelings and let them come. It will become less regular with time. If you can, help yourself out by doing nice small things for yourself. Buy yourself a favorite treat. Be kind to yourself and don't make the pain worse by blaming yourself for feeling it. We are all only human.

(((Forwardfromhere)))

I'm with nekorb. You have to digest it all and it hurts like nothing before. Please just look after yourself. Try drink water, eat and even sleep (aided if need be).

You are in my thoughts tonight.

It's real trauma. Outside of harm to yourself or others, just let it out, live in the present, for the present, for you.

Ideally, I'm a 9-hour kinda sleep guy. With two kids, that's out the window, but I know it's what my body wants. My "I don't like this" cutoff is 7 hours, and anything less than 5 is where I feel miserable all day, and usually even worse the next (even if I manage to "catch up").

BUT, and this simply blew my mind, I was able to stay upright, drag my nearly-work-useless carcass to work every day, stay awake, and not even crave sleep for something like 2 straight weeks of perhaps an average of 3 hours per night. We could get in bed around 9, talk until midnight, then I'd wake at 3. Maybe we'd talk some more, maybe we wouldn't, but that actually worked. I was less tired than completely normal 5-hour nights.

Looking back, I just don't know how it worked. Now I do get tired, back then I was "just" mentally exhausted. I didn't eat well at all either. But my weird advice would be - just worry about fluids, and let your brain and your body do what it has to do outside of that. You're not going to starve to death, and while a lack of sleep is nothing but harmful, you're not going to "awake" to death. I wish I had drank more water though.

I've unfortunately had a similar reaction, and tons of others around here unfortunately have too. Simply having an account registered on here, as great as the community can be, is a genuine tragedy. I wish I didn't know this place exists, but now I'm sure glad that it does. You will be too.

But you just gotta get through what you gotta get through. If you think meds (anti-depression/anxiety, sleeping pills, etc.) make sense, talk to a professional about it, and let them help you decide if it does. Don't put yourself or others at any risk. But outside of that? Don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed, just take care of your *needs* and let the chips fall where they may.

It absolutely feels like breaking at the time, but when you look back, you might find you only bent. We're all rooting for you.

I'm with you brother! Today is the first day in 5 days that I'm focusing on me! 3 meals in 5 days and about 12 hours of sleep total (0 last night). I'm going to eat a nice lunch on my break and then meeting a couple buddies after work for a beer. Then I think I might go home and get to bed before 9:00. Today is the first day I felt like I was able to control my emotions and start the tentative move on process. Keep your head up!

I'm only just 2 weeks past d-day. For the first 4 or 5 days, I barely ate anything at all. Only thing that kept me anywhere near sane was alcohol (don't recommend it, but I understand why people go that route). My d-day was a Monday, and my boss was nice enough to tell me to take the rest of the week. I needed it. There was absolutely no way in hell I could function at any job in my state.

I'm already back to eating full meals most days, though smaller portions that I was doing (probably not a bad thing). I'm drinking much less. Still not sleeping that well, but I'm getting by. I can go to work and can generally keep my focus there and keep the bad thoughts away.

Yeah, there are still very dark points, and there will continue to be. Friends and family help. Posting here helps. Just post and post and post. Get it out of you. We're here to help.

It does get better, or at least manageable. For the time being, try to take care of you, but don't beat yourself up if you're tossing and turning all night and/or you can't keep food down. You're going through a serious trauma. Just know you have an outlet here whenever you need it.

You've just experienced the most painful thing one human being can do to another. I've spent many a night on the floor crying like a baby. I can't sit here and tell you that its going to get easier but the feelings will get less severe and almost numb with a little water under the bridge.

It's your brain's way of healing itself. You are in the beginning stages of grief. It's a process that I don't fully understand but I can say we've all been there and still am for me. You may consider getting on some medication for depression and to sleep. Sleeping and eating is the most important thing for you right now. I remember not sleeping for weeks after I found out. I got on some meds to help out with that and its been a life saver for me. I wish you all the best in dealing with this tragedy. Stay away from Seroquel if you get it prescribed to you just say no! I've gained 30lbs in 6 months. Stay well friend.

forwardfromhere

I am so sorry you have found this website like I have. I feel your pain. It's been almost 9 months since we first split & everything after that has just unfolded like a house of cards. Finding out stuff as the months passed by, re-opens all kinds of wounds & I feel like im back at square one, like you how you feel right now. I cant eat or sleep & i just want to be alone. I am seeing IC - which I highly suggest. How are you dealing with things?

Thank you all so much. Doc says the food and sleep is okay for now. IC is scheduled. WS has IC scheduled, too. Not that I care. Right now I'm in a "no way in hell am I going back" place. Zero remorse from WS. We had an agreement from 2012 when the last offense occurred, which involved a 7-month trip abroad to "figure things out" alone while I held down the house... and shocking, there was a lot of dating during that time that I found out about after the fact. WS was convinced that telling me afterward was fine. Anyway we had a zero tolerance policy in place. When I noticed the Boss attraction, I brought it up, said I understood and wanted to goo counseling and work on the M because attractive Timon's happen and we needed to find a healthy way to manage. O did all thar WS asked, including planning dates, toning up (even though I am underweight and WS is obese), etc and WS continued to spend extra, unneeded time at work. I wasn't allowed to visit at work and WS would say awful things like Boss makes me look bad or my dinner was gross and Boss had made Brownies anyway. I arrived early to pick WS up from work one night and asked when WS would be done. WS said "20 mins" and when I said I was in the driveway, all of a sudden WS runs out like a bat out of hell. The last straw was when I found out they were planning Valentine's day together and were going to spring it on me as an "emergency at work."

After that I insisted WS quit and go NC. That took weeks to get. Then I asked for transparency and counseling which is when things got ugly. Name calling, blaming me for never loving WS and flat out agreeing then spinning around into the devil who wasn't going to do anything I asked. The back and forth is completely insane. If WS had said "no" I could deal with that but the manipulation was crazy. Agree to get me to shut up. Then 24 hours later going nuts.

Sadly my family is helping WS instead of me. Took WS in so no hotel, yelling at me, sending ugly texts about learning to forgive. Maybe its my fault that they don't understand because I'm pretty private. So ashamed to way that in the beginning of our relationship, WS had professed love for me and then asked me to host the best friend from college. Who turned out to be an ex. Whose trip to where we live was WS's attempt to lure the ex into moving here to be with WS. You read that right, using current SO's apt to house ex-SO while trying to have them both. Getting married was a huge mistake.

There's no escaping the pain. You're in 'early days' and they just hurt and hurt and hurt.

Feel the pain and focus on staying healthy. Don't feel guilty for the pain or for not being able to do the things you usually do.

Can't sleep? Get sleeping pills and/or take up jogging.

Can't focus at work? Do the bare minimum to get by. This gets better with time. In a month you'll be at about 50 per cent. In three months you'll be functional again.

Stay strong.

I could not eat or sleep much after DDay either. I took my kids on a long weekend trip away to Disney and while I was there I got my appetite back and started sleeping. Can you get away?

It sounds like at least you have clarity about how to proceed given the absolute lack of remorse. It's great you are getting counseling--now, can you consult with an attorney about filing? I sadly concur with your statement that the M was a mistake based on what you have written....but as awful as this is, mistakes are fixable. You will have a very hard time but you will come out strong and free--no more anxiety, no more fear. That is a powerful opportunity. You deserve better than this and you can and will get it. I hope your family can come around soon so you have a support network in the interim. Rely on your loved ones as much as you can, including friends. And make your username your new mantra!