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"Loving" him doesn't change a thing

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ShockedErica11 posted 2/5/2014 07:01 AM

I put WH out last night and I feel miserable. Honestly, it's something that needed to be done and maybe I'll become a better person for it. I had another DDay yesterday and the way he acted about that is what made the decision happen. He was not remorseful; he only regrets his decisions and his actions. He said cruel things yesterday and I can't believe that this is the person I married.

Some good did happen yesterday: my friends rallied. Even one I thought I had drifted apart from, even WH's cousin. So there was a definite shift in cognitive dissonance there where I think, depressingly, that I'm all alone in this. I'm not and I've got awesome friends to prove I'm not a horrible, miserable person (my words; not his; he just decided to be really cruel about other things).

Anyway, my Buddhist chapter leader called and while agreed with some things she said others were slightly invalidating: just because I love him doesn't mean he'll change. It's been a five years' long shitty ass relationship in which he has been thoughtless, careless and cruel; he didn't even like the fact that I used the word cruel to describe his actions, but they were incredibly cruel. I can love him and tell him to please hold me accountable to my own A, that he needs to express his anger, but I get so many mixed messages that now he needs to find his own way to deal with his problems. I love him but I can't fix him and I can't fix him by chanting to our gohonzon. He needs serious help and the way he acted for yesterday and the day before? I was begging for him to listen and understand and I shouldn't have to do that with another DDay.

So, I love my chapter leader but the path she feels I should take is loaded with codependency. I just can't. I love him but it hurts.

LosferWords posted 2/5/2014 10:10 AM

Erica - Sometimes we have to forge our own path, despite what our spiritual leaders, counselors, etc., say. I'm sure your chapter leader wants you to take the healthiest path for you, but only you truly know what that is.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time of it and that he was cruel to you. Nobody deserves that.

The positive is your friends rallying for you. What a great support system!

Hoping things start changing for the better.

norabird posted 2/5/2014 11:51 AM

I am sorry he was so cruel. Here's hoping you can take the love you've been giving him and direct it all at yourself. It does hurt to not be able to affect someone else's choices, and to have to accept that they are a lost cause even when you still love them. But unfortunately sometimes that's the only way.

LifeIsBroken posted 2/5/2014 14:02 PM

Ike & Tina's bio film, "What's Love Got To Do With It," didn't truly resonate with me until after D-Day #1 and the numerous D-Days that followed / the hits just kept on coming. THEN I got it. I loved my xh like crazy but there comes a time when you have to love yourself more. Loving a ws can kill you. Reality has to enter the picture somewhere and you have to determine whether you love yourself enough to give up loving him, thus saving yourself from him. I'm sad for you and for all of us who have lived this kind of hell.

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