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hopingforchange posted 2/5/2014 09:09 AM

I just found out 2 days ago. I had suspected for a while but found text messages that night. We have been married almost 28 years and this is third affair i know about. I didn't know about first until we were in the midst of number two. That one he continued for two years after I found out. That was an awful time, but we worked through it I thought. I was just back in a good spot, able to trust and hope we were done. Then I started noticing the same pattern happening again. Again a co-worker, starts as "friends", vigorous denial when I asked him about it. i got very suspicious, started checking cell phone, following on facebook. He was very good at hiding things. I was almost convinced nothing was happening especially since she is so much younger than us, Always before she had been our same age. This one is only a year older than our oldest daughter! We've been married longer than she's been alive. So, he had her over for a superbowl party Sunday and she got sick. Couldn't let her drive home in her condition so put her to bed at our house. I noticed later that my husband was going through her phone. Later, after everyone had gone to bed, I went through her phone. There were no messages between them, he had deleted them but I found messages she had sent to her friends with details of their affair. I took pictures of the texts and went to bed. The next night I confronted him and again he denied. So I showed him the pictures. The story changed quickly. Now he's sorry and doesn't want to lose me. I'm so hurt and mad that I can't speak to him. It has brought back everything I felt last time but it's worse because I just wonder if it's all been a lie and I feel like the world's biggest idiot for staying with him. Plus I have to admit that the age thing bothers me a bunch. I feel old and ugly. I can't eat, can't sleep, thoughts are swirling through my head and I can;t stop them. Please someone tell me I'm not alone and crazy.

ziganska posted 2/5/2014 09:20 AM

I'm so so sorry to see that you're back in this situation. How long has it been since the last A for him? Were you in therapy? Did he seem like a changed man? Clearly he never got to the root of what is leading him back to this spot so often and that's so terrible given all the time and history you've invested in him, let alone a family and love. Do you have any clue as to what the underlying issues are? None of these are excuses, but is he a narcissist, or thinks he's having a mid life crisis, or has a tendency to run away from his perceived problems at home and distract himself with the As?

It's not much consolation but you are not at fault at all. Having an affair is a personal failure, not a marital one.

lordhasaplan? posted 2/5/2014 09:32 AM

HFC,
I am so sorry. His actions are telling you his values and character. you will never be in a safe relationship with this man. You need to see a lawyer ASAP. Get yourself out of this relationship, you deserve better.

tushnurse posted 2/5/2014 09:48 AM

Wow three times? That is awful.

Honey, she may be younger, and all that, but his choice to have an A with her or anyone else isn't about you. It's about his broken soul. He has a need that he is trying to fill with others, and is too shallow to see that he is the one that has to fill that hole.

Yes she is young, but you are not old. You have a full life ahead of you, and you can make a choice right now if you want to continue to live if filled with pain, hurt, and dishonesty, or if you want to walk away from it, and find happiness in yourself, in your life, and be free from the worry, and agony.

He has shown you not once or twice, but three times, now. You deserve more, demand it.

Go see a lawyer, and file, and would strongly recommend not looking back, no matter what flowery words he showers you with.

Read the healing library, read other posts, in this particular forum the ones with bullseyes are a good place to start.

Keep reading, keep posting. We are over 40K strong here.

(((and strength))))

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/5/2014 09:48 AM

First off I am sorry you are here and that he has done this again to you.

Your first priority now needs to be you. Eat when you can; sleep when you can and keep those fluids up so you can think straight.

Did your WS put the work in after the last A's or did the A's get rugswept?

If he didn't do the work to find out why he keeps having A's then he won't have the tools to stop. Also, if you rugswept there were no consequences for him o, in his eyes, he probably doubts deep down that you will leave him.

Two things struck me about your post.

The first is that the OW brazenly was at your house and just so happens to get ill so she can sleep over?

I don't buy this- I think she (or they) planned it.

The second is the fact his second A carried on for 2 years after you found out. Did you know this or did he take it underground? If you knew but were hoping to wait it out then you have given him a message that there are no consequences which may be why A number 3 has come along.

BUT-BUT... these A's are NOT your fault.

You could have been a supermodel in looks but he still would have cheatedbecause the issue isn't to do with you or how you look or act. It isn't about what you did or didn't do.
It is about him having something broken inside of him- so it is his issue not yours.

My advice to you (if you want any decent shot at your M) would be to throw him out and initiate a 180 (look in the Healing Library for details)

Once you can see in his actions that he is remorseful then you can decide what you want to do.

My fear is that if you don't take a hard line straight away then the pain of this will just get prolonged for you.

You don't have to decide what to do immediately but you do need to decide that you are worth far more than being a wife who gets cheated on.

You are better than what he has offered you up to now. Trust me on this.

byefornow posted 2/5/2014 10:01 AM

I am so sorry you are here. I have been married for 27 years and found out in October my husband was having an affair. It is so hard to function and I am sorry you are facing this road.

If it helps, I did kick my spouse out for 5 weeks. It did me wonders to not have to look at him each day. And I realized I can do this on my own. After 27 years, I honestly wasn't too sure.

Now since him returning, we have split up again several times. But a lot of that was it just gets too overwhelming for me and I ask him to leave. Both times have been shorter lengths but this road is not easy.

Please do what you need to do to breathe. That is truly what it comes down to in these early days. When I forget that, is when I start to feel overwhelmed.

I still don't know where my marriage will end up, was this another chapter or was this the last chapter. I think that still has to be decided. So take your time and breathe.

Do what you need to do today to get through it.
Hugs and prayers to you.

Merlin posted 2/5/2014 10:02 AM

Fool me once, shame on you....

norabird posted 2/5/2014 10:43 AM

You are not crazy. You are not alone. But your husband is emotionally abusing you, I am sorry to say. He worked to regain your trust once only to throw it away. He doesn't get another chance after that. See a lawyer. He is treating you as a doormat, assuming you will take anything he does and stick around. He wants to cake-eat. Honey, you are worth so much more than that. Stop feeling inadequate (he's the one who's ugly in this!) and free yourself from this manipulative man. You deserve so much more. I'm so sorry he's brought you to this awful situation. Give yourself the gift of walking away and protecting yourself from suffering like this again.