I don't know how to recover from this.
It's been a long time and I can't seem to get past it. I hate my ex, still.
I am full of anxiety at the thought of having any kind of communication with him, the thought of him being in town and especially him showing up to any of my kids events.
I haven't seen him in a long time.....years.
I've been to therapy. It didn't seem to help. He told that I'm reliving unresolved feelings from my childhood.
I had a bully all through out my school years, a bad one. But I'm pretty sure I resolved that when I was able to have a conversation with him many years later with out any anxiety. All the bad was erased and even when I saw him at that bar, I didn't freak out or anything.
Not so with my ex.
I don't want to go through life like this. He is bound to eventually come to something of my kids as they grow up, graduations, weddings, grandkids. I can't bare the thought.
I don't think it's a conscious thing I can control. And I say that because of an experience I had when I had to give a presentation in front of my company a couple of years ago. I was fine before, looking forward to it. But once I got up on stage my hands were shaking and my voice was cracking. It was like an out of body experience. As I was looking at myself I was saying what's going on here...I was not nervous about this presentation at all, why is my body doing this?
That was so weird! I saw it as me not having any control over my own reactions.
I'm feeling the same way now. I want to be over this...it's been so long, but I'm not and don't know how to be.