..... Because of the way I'm feeling. After much lurking and reading a very recent and 'close to home' post, I've realised I'm not the only one who had some of these awful thoughts and feelings. I feel so very wary! I'm tired of being the responsible, grown up person. The one who continues to ensure that everything functions per norma and carries all the burdens - even when I first found out and seemed to function on 'auto pilot'. I am responsible for EVERYTHING in respect of our DS's, household, working to contribute to the household income. ....
I've been on AD's since the summer (which WH has no idea about) and my job is to look after children, including my two DS's. Therfore, continuously providing for someone elses needs. I've managed to function properly through all this and have been assessed by my GP. The thing is, I do belive that my own children suffer the most from all of this and the guilt is terrible. I manage to get through the day successfully but my DS's get the brunt of my upset and shut down.
Now the last few days I've had these overwhelming feelings. I feel guilty, selfish and like an awful mother. My overwhelming feeings are to remain in bed and leave all the responsibilities to WH. These feelings seem to be overriding any sense and responsibility I used to have and the ability to push these feelings aside and get in with it! I suspect it's the anger at him for his EA (the selfish time, energy and thoughts placed into this OP) etc but until now I've been able to overcome it. I've managed thus far too place very little burden on him, by ensuring that I've been happily moving forward, as would be expected. I am just starting to loose the fight!
My fear is this, I want to be selfish, I want to go with those feelings but what if I am consumed by these feeings and R isn't successful, will he use it against me for custidy of my DS's.
I'm sorry for the confusing post. Hope you can understand it. It's just so overwhelming again and don't know where to go with it or how to deal with it! Am I an awful person? Are my children going to blame me in the future for being a 'selfish, dysfunctional person?
I also just can't talk to him about this, so no one to tell all this to as he has no clue. Society doesn't allow for this 'disability'. It's frowned upon. What to do? Suspect I'm about to get some serious 2/4's....... Me: BS Married 11 years, together 21
Him:WH - EA (PA?) with engaged COW.
'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'