Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Anyone else...sorry long post

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Ladybug0808 posted 2/5/2014 12:22 PM

I am new to SI. My husband and I went on our first date 9/21/2012, engaged Thanksgiving 2012, married 4/13/2013. We have three children total (1 his and 2 mine from previous marriages). My dday was 1/7. I found emails to and from him to an ex girlfriend. I suspected that they were comunicating but never thought it would be at the level that I found. She is also
married. They were neighbors when he and his exwife were married.

Fast forward to Tuesday 1/7 - I
found (1) email from her - I can’t even remember what it said. So then I put her email address into the search engine and found about 8-10 emails. The most recent was from Friday after Thanksgiving. He actually sent one to her on Wednesday before Thanksgiving - that very day he had brought the children to meet me for lunch. It was snowing. He sent her an email with two pictures attached. One said something about her not being "fat" and the other was a picture similar to the I (heart) New York but instead it said I (heart) BRACE YOURSELF.... eating P*^^Y. Then his message in the body of the email was - "sending two pics. One cause you say you need to loose some weight, but I think not and the other one is because of you". She responded on Friday November 29 -"You are so good at it". I honestly felt like I was going to throw up. I began to shake. I sent him a text asking him to please come home as he had taken my son to Cub Scouts. He kept asking me why.... I kept saying please come home. And finally he had asked too many times. I said to him - I found all the
emails between you and AP - you are a liar. He said "what was I supposed to do - she was talking about committing suicide". I was so mad - I just said. Come home and I'm gonna open all these emails one at a time and you can explain to me. I went back upstairs to look more in depth at what I found.

I found an email from him to her on 11/7 at 5:30pm ( I was on my way home from work and then going to the hospital for tonsillitis) – It was a quote about .... only once in your life, you find someone you
who can completely turn your world around (I THOUGHT THAT WAS ME)? She didn't respond to this one.

I found an email from her to him on 7/31 -just a picture of her. Sucks because she’s pretty. Got kind of a big nose but at first glance she’s pretty.

I found an email from him to her on May 14 - picture of us on our wedding day. First dance about to kiss. MY FAVORITE picture from the wedding. I always felt like it captured "love and passion" - WHAT A JOKE. She responded to him - "now go be the husband who loves the bride in this picture. We are over! But then sent another email response " sorry... still hard sometimes". This picture hangs in our bedroom and it makes me sick to even look at it. It no longer says the same thing to me.

I found an email that he sent her on 11/8/2012 (about two weeks before we got engaged). This was just a picture of her in her bra and panties posing in his old bedroom. Bed behind her with sheets all messed up. I’m sure they had just had sex. Then another email – same date - picture of her putting her jeans on in her bra.

Needless to say I got excuse after excuse and I was not hearing any of it. I told him the only reason I was letting him stay was those two little people downstairs. I told him he way to lay on his side of the bed and NOT touch me. I didn't sleep but about 2 hours.

The next day he told me he called her and was “very stern” with her that it was over. That he was committing himself to his marriage.

I felt like we made a lot of progress in that first week. He seemed to be remorseful. He wanted to be close to me all weekend. Didn’t want to leave my side. I finally found myself wanting to kiss him and be close to him. I even was willing to make love to him.

Then on Tuesday 1/14 again while he was out scouts - I started digging a little on the computer upstairs. I found a picture that he had taken of himself naked. I decided to wait and ask him about it. There was no indicator as to if he sent it to anyone. So on Wednesday morning I sent him a text and asked him point blank - if he “had ever taken a picture of his penis”. His response was “I did a long time
ago, way before we were engaged or married” – LIE. I asked him what “he did with it” – He responded – “deleted it” – LIE. I asked him if he emailed it to someone and he replied “that was long ago (July) and he “didn’t think he did” - LIE. Took it as a joke – he “couldn’t get the nerve to do that.” –LIE. I then asked him what his plans were for it then – and why he took it. He said he was “asked to” and I asked
“by who”. And he said someone I was talking to way before we met – LIE. He not only sent one picture – he sent three that I am aware of. One after we starting dating and Two after we were married.

So based on his lies - I started digging a little more on Wednesday at work. I went to his Icloud email account and this is where I found the most disgusting things I have seen. See this email account is used when you send pics from your phone via email to someone. I guess he never thought of this....

I found pictures mostly from women (multiple) to him. Most of the emails came from AP but there were some from others. He “doesn't know who”. These pictures contained the following:
Pictures of AP naked breast (and two other women)
Pictures of AP naked body (and one other woman)
Pictures of AP v*g&^a (and one other woman)
Pictures of AP m*st**b&^&ng with a toy

Finally I found pictures that HE sent to women. None of which went to AP. I found
11/2012 - Picture of him and his erected p$%^s - Sent to his friend with Cancer that is over 60 years old
Date unsure - after we were married though - picture of his p*&^s to a woman he couldn't remember
July 2013 - picture of his p*&^s sent to his ex wife's best friend
In addition, he told me he never told her he loved AP – yet in the emails I found, I saw numerous times that they exchanged I love you’s. Either him telling her or her telling him. Once that he would “always love her”. He said he never bought her anything when I asked. Yet I found a delivery confirmation from Adam and Eve store for various items – one of which was a satin chemise. Was this not for her? If not then who???? Granted this happened before we got engaged. I never got
answers on some of the questions I had. I feel like he is not honest in what he has done. He hasn’t addressed the level of it. “It was just emails” THAT’S NOT TRUE. In addition to the “just emails” there
were texts, pictures, songs sent back and forth. As disgusting as the emails I found were – I can’t imagine what the texts were like? I will never know this part of the story and it does haunt me.

After he told me that they weren’t seeing each other anymore. I found a picture of AP and his daughter from 10/8/2012? By that time in our relationship – I had already met his daughter and spent ample time with her. He had met my son. He had already expressed to me that he thought he loved me. Makes me question what those words mean to him. He “loved” me yet spends time with his daughter and another woman. He loved me yet in November – just weeks before he proposed to me – he
sent a picture of his erected penis to a woman that I was always told was a “friend”. I have some friends that are males but none of them have ever seen me naked. This “friend” is also the one that has
cancer. I always thought it was so endearing that he prayed for her, checked on her (as she’s an older single woman) and was there for her. Now I have to look like the horrible wife that has asked her husband to sever the tie with the lady with cancer? He told me this was a joke. He is very close to this woman's son. So my response to him was " so if I shared this pic that you sent to her with her
son would he think its funny?" To which he responded - No. We saw her son while we were bowling with our children. I was disgusted. All I could think the whole time was – If he only knew what he had done to his mother. WH continued to have fun with the children and I tried as best I could but couldn’t move past this.

Can anyone relate????
I feel like I need to work through these feelings and I need help. I can’t just forget them so quickly. The images are in my mind. The questions of why, who, etc. I feel angry, hurt, and disgusted. Why several times a month (every month) since we have been together (dating, engaged, and especially married) has he chosen to receive emails of women. Their naked breasts, their va*&N^'s, and them
pleasing themselves? Could he not respond to them “I’m married (happily or not) – Please stop”? These were all people he knew. On a personal level. Not just some women from a porn site with no face…..
How foolish must I look to these other women that my husband “loves me so much” that he would willingly continue to accept these pictures and in turn send pictures? I found that AP actually sent him several pictures on Christmas in her sexy Santa outfit. When I asked him he said he didn’t want to ruin our Christmas – Did he tell her that? Nope just continued to accept the pictures. She also sent several others during the month of December of her naked body, breasts and pleasing herself. SICK AND DISGUSTING!

I want so badly to believe him when he tells me he’s changed – “Old man is gone” but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I was starting to trust him. Allowing myself to get close to him. Now here I am right back where I was. Why would he lie? After he saw I was willing to work on it and I was committed to US?

I gave him everything – my whole heart. It wasn’t easy but I gave in and gave it to him because he made me feel like I could trust him with it. Loving only me. He took that heart and punched a hole in it and gave it back to me. This is going to take time and I’m not 100% sure that WH is willing to be that patient.

Does he think he could just say he’s sorry and “poof” everything would go back to where it was?

Has he told anyone the extend of this? Has he even been honest with himself? Is he sorry for what he did or sorry for getting caught and having to deal with the backlash?

We are seeing our pastor for counceling. This week has been ROUGH. I cant get past the images. Most of the stories I read on SI are of people married for multiple years. Has anyone else had to deal with this since the beginning of thier replationship with thier spouse? Feeling like the enitre time you have known eachother has been a LIE?

norabird posted 2/5/2014 13:22 PM

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I wasn't married, but my ex also was lying to me pretty much through the course of our whole 1.5 year relationship. Gently, this type of pattern really does not bode well. It is an entrenched behavior and attitude.

Yes, you're married and committed, but you are still early on in the relationship for all that. Looking at what you have discovered, I would seriously question whether this is someone who is capable of respecting you. You seem to be accepting the idea that it is your job to get over this soon, and are beating yourself up that you can't. Don't buy it! He's making YOU feel guilt when he has done wrong. I can promise that if you just let everything go back to 'normal', this behavior will not stop.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/5/2014 13:45 PM

I'm very sorry you are here Ladybug. I wanted to say welcome and there are many here who have similar experiences to yours that will be along shortly. Start with reading information in the healing library. In this Just found out section there are several threads that have the target on them including the 180 and tactical primer. I think I saw them below. If they are not there, I will bump them up for you. There are many abbreviations that people will use here that can be hard to follow at first. You can find them in the Healing Library.

Sorry you are here, but welcome to the family that no one wants to be a part of.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/5/2014 19:21 PM

bumping up Ladybug's post. She needs some support here people

forwardfromhere posted 2/5/2014 19:49 PM

Yes, the whole 5 years of my relationship/M have been full of WS trying to have a comfortable platform (me) from which to indulge (APs). It sucks big time.

Getting to Happy posted 2/5/2014 20:21 PM

How terrible to start your first year of marriage like this. I am so sorry.

If I were a young woman and found out that my new husband was a douchy liar, I would run away so quickly he would never find me... But that is just me.

I personally want to live an authentic life. One where the husband that you sleep with every night is an equal and willing partner in the marriage. Trust, transparency and honesty are a must.

If your WH is acting out this early in the game....well...maybe you have dodged a bullet. Anyone that is that intrenched in sexting strangers whist being married is not really marriage material.

...picture of us on our wedding day. First dance about to kiss. MY FAVORITE picture from the wedding. I always felt like it captured "love and passion" - WHAT A JOKE. She responded to him - "now go be the husband who loves the bride in this picture. We are over! But then sent another email response " sorry... still hard sometimes". This picture hangs in our bedroom and it makes me sick to even look at it. It no longer says the same thing to me.

THIS^^^is so cruel. Nothing is sacred. He would do and use anything to get some p**sy. Sick.

Maybe he wanted a long term housekeeper that could babysit for his child. Someone who could do laundry and cook dinner so he could be free to fu*k around... I am not trying to be mean or sarcastic. I think sometimes we get so caught up with the idea of person we marry that we loose sight of who they REALLY are.

Right now you are seeing him for who he REALLY is. Do you like what you see? Is this the person you would like to grow old with? Can he be trusted with your heart.

I know that you are numb with all of the discoveries that you are finding.

I hated that part. With every new finding your heart pounds, your blood rushes in your head making your vision blurry, your mind is spinning at warp speed trying to make sense of what your are seeing, reading...making sense of your past..."where was I when he was sending out these nasty pics of his junk, who took the pictures of that slut putting her clothes on in the bedroom that I spent time in with my fiance..."

Try to take care of yourself. Eat, hydrate...breathe.

And please don't give in right now to wanting to hold him. Don't show signs of forgiveness and all. He cheated and then lied about it. Treat him as such. Hold on to your self respect. That is being authentic.

If he shows signs of true remorse, that he has been a douche and will move heaven and earth to prove it to you; and not just regret, for figuring out that he is a lying cheater, then and only then can you begin to let your guard down. Please believe me, that was a big mistake I made. And it made whatever healing take so much longer.

Hugs and strength to you.

scarednbroken posted 2/6/2014 07:08 AM

I agree. I've been there. All those pics. And sharing. pERSOnAL pictures and details with these ladies. Every time I read a txt where he mentions kids' name or MY name it makes me wretch. I have literally hundreds of pictures and videos of him getting off and them getting off that I lifted from his phone. It is how sick they are. you are not alone. Small comfort I know. You have to decide if he really can change. My WH didn't. It took me 20 years to figure it out. He would seem remorseful but then return to same habits. He needs help. And he needs to commit to it. You need to heal also.


kalimata posted 2/6/2014 07:15 AM


So sorry to hear about this story. Your WH sounds like a real piece of shyte. Sounds like his GF is the reason why his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

He is a lying cheating, lowlife. I would kick his butt out of the house if I were you.

Go see a lawyer, get D papers drawn up. Confront him and tell him to go 100% no contact or end the marriage. Stand up for yourself. Be strong

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/6/2014 09:05 AM

I'm so sorry you've been dealt such an incredibly crappy hand right from the start.

Many years ago I was married to a serial cheater too, and just like you, I also cringed at how foolish I looked to the women he'd hit on or had sex with. Ugh.

I can relate to this hell you're going through, but I didn't stay with him - I left him and we divorced. My motto is life is too damned short to spend time with those who don't respect you. I never regretted it.

Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/6/2014 10:53 AM

Welcome to SI, Ladybug, but I am sorry you had to find us. I want to encourage you to continue reading and posting here at SI. It was a lifesaver for me, I believe SI can help you, too.

Have you read the Healing Library? If not, I would encourage you to do so. Espeicially the BS FAQ's, great info in there. You will find the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner in the yellow box.

The next day he told me he called her and was “very stern” with her that it was over.
That is weak. He needs to send a strong NC letter to MOW (married other woman). You need to see the letter and agree to what is said. Send the letter in the mail and send it so the MOW has to show ID and sign for it. I think it is called registered/certified mail. The post office will be happy to help you.

Has the BH (betrayed husband) been notified of the affair? If not, I highly recommend that he is notified asap. One of the surest ways to end affairs is to Blow. It. Up. Also, I feel the other BS should know what is going on his marriage.

To answer some of your questions, there are many here who's spouses had affairs starting before marriage or at the very beginning of the marriage. The OW in my FWH's infidelity started the affair with my FWH after it moved in with the married man it was having an affair with first (breaking up his and its marriages). OW fucked my FWH about 3 weeks before its wedding and about 3 weeks after its wedding.

Is your WH (wayward husband) really remorseful or just regretful? Good question and one that you will have to make by weighing his actions. What is he doing to show you how remorseful he is?

Do you have all his passwords? Does he let you have his phone at any given time? Has he blocked the MOW and all the "women" including cancer woman?

I doubt he has been honest with himself. Sounds like he has a lot of issues that probably need to be dealt with in IC. Sorry, I doubt your pastor will be able to help your WH with these issues. It almost sounds like "sex addiction", but I am not diagnosing and I don't have a FWH with this issue. Many here do, though.

It sounds more like your WH is in CYA (cover your ass) mode than in truly trying to help you. He doesn't understand yet that honesty is only way to healing this crisis. I would suggest, Ladybug, that you go to the Wayward forum and print out the thread "Things every WS needs to know.." and have your WH read it. He needs to read it, read it again and again and start applying and doing what he has read.


Ladybug0808 posted 2/6/2014 14:44 PM

Thank you all so much. Im in tears just reading your responces. It helps to know that Im not alone. Thanks for the advise and encouragement.

Skan posted 2/6/2014 15:36 PM

You'll never be alone, as long as you're a part of this site. Honestly, I would really, really re-evaluate your marriage. Right now, you have only 17 months invested in this relationship. It got underway quickly too quickly, my suspicious mind thinks. I'm leaning towards believing that he saw you, was attracted, thought, hummm, now there's someone that would make a good mother to my child, and, having no intentions of stopping the disgusting behavior that he was indulging in before you, decided that he could indeed have his cake and eat all of it elsewhere too.

I have a horrible, nasty suspicion that should you stay, this is going to be your life for however many wasted years that you stay with him, hoping each time he's discovered, that this is the last time. And that, within a year of you finally leaving in disgust, that he'll have hooked some other, unsuspecting and loving woman into being his wife. (((hugs)))

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.