Eight weeks ago, I came across my husband's ipad open to a porn story website and picked it up to take a look at what he was reading. I noticed that he had created a profile which I opened and was shocked to see that he had checked off that he was looking for friends and sexual partners. I also discovered he had a long list of "friends". I opened his mailbox on the site and found a message to one of his "friends" telling her he loved her new pic, that her ass was hot and he missed chatting with her. He also told her he was out of town if she wanted to look him up.
That was all I was able to see before my husband came into the room and I confronted him. We weren't able to talk at that time because we had a friend over who was doing some renovation work for us, but it was clear that he knew he was busted. He took his ipad and at some point during the day removed everything that he had been hiding from me.
I spent the next two days holed up in my bedroom with my computer, doing a lot of crying and searching the user name that he had been using on that website. I can't begin to describe how painful it was to find the lewd comments he had made along with numerous invites to look him up to chat. I discovered that this had been going on for years. In addition to his activity on two sex story websites, I found he had listed a personal ad on another website for people looking to meet for sex.
If anyone had ever suggested my husband was doing this I would have told them they were crazy! We have been married for 14 years and I have never had reason not to trust him. I now feel like I have spent years with a stranger.
We have since started going to therapy and I have spent countless hours with him going through his list of friends and asking questions. He has confessed to using chat rooms, having private sex chats and having a couple phone chats. He has been willing to sit down with me whenever I ask and answer questions. He swears that he has never met anyone in person and I want to believe him, but it is difficult. He says the personal ad was just fantasy and he doesn't know what he would have done if someone had responded.
My world has been turned upside down and I feel as though I am consumed by this 24/7. His comments, the photos he commented on and that one private message I found play over and over in my mind all day. I have spent countless hours on the computer over the past couple months searching for something I may have missed and putting everything that I've found into chronological order. I've gone through all our text messages to compare dates and times with those on his website comments. I want to know every last detail and don't know what to do to make myself stop searching and revisiting all the stuff I've accumulated.
I feel like I am crazy and would appreciate any thoughts/feedback from others who have experienced the same obsessive behavior...
Keep digging, I'm sure you'll find it. Ask him for a complete list of passwords.
Check your credit card and phone records. Cross check them vs when he says he was travelling. Get his vacation schedule from his employer.
Last step would be to schedule a polygraph to make sure he is telling the truth. You might get what is known as a 'parking lot confession' from him. But you have to be willing to take to that level to get to the truth.
So sorry you are here. Sending you strength. Kali
Again, sorry you are here! ((JustMe000))
WHat I am saying is, be prepared to know more later on about his online activities. Get yourself checked for STD's just in case. I'm 13 months from my Dday -- and I still ask him questions every now and then. It will take time for the mental torture and paid to subside - but it will get better. You will feel better and you will again think a lot clearer.
Cheating spouses will lie and lie , as if their life depends on it.
Keep coming here and keep posting. THis site has saved me from going crazy during the early months.
Sending love and strength your way.
I don't know if this is a parallel, but I am further hurt because intimacy is what I crave and it's very much lacking (not just sex, but even more basic stuff like holding each other--kissing goodby, etc). Adding insult to injury, we have known each other since we were 13 and have been friends for 30 years and married 12 of those 30. It's infuriating that my wife is so willing to give attention and seek physical/emotional satisfaction from someone she doesnt really know (who is probably cheating on his wife) instead of the person she married with whom she has been through the realities of life. Any of this sounding familiar?
It sounds like you do love this guy--if you didn't it wouldn't hurt. It is disrespectful of you! If it follows the pattern i have witnessed, he will tell you its harmless, no big deal--I also got the, "well you don't have the body you once did line." Yes, that line also gets used on guys. If he hasn't pulled that one out, consider yourself lucky. It really helps the self-esteem. My wife is not the size 4 woman I married, but I would love her and be attracted to her if she was 110 or 210lbs. Neither one of us is huge, but I am not 29 anymore--I expected her feelings to have matured along with mine. Apparently not. . .
I cannot claim any real wisdom, but I do know this is their problem and we are unfortunate enough to be around when it hits. Good luck and just know there is someone on the other side going through the same mess. We deserve better!
I hope you will find the evidence you are looking for.