Hmmm... I always considered it gaslighting, but could I be confusing it with just flat out lying? I want to say that before DDay 2 there was at least some gaslighting. Making me believe what I saw wasn't what I thought. I don't think he ever called me crazy though. I feel crazy.
I just feel like he has an answer for everything. And because I don't trust him, I feel that any answer is a lie that is to make me think what I suspect isn't true. Now, there have been incidents where he gets defensive and has undoubtedly projected back on to me and that is why I worry.
Though I have noticed the defensiveness is a trait he has always had, he has done it with others where he just feels he is right or has been wronged, no lies or secrets involved, a pride thing. This is one of the issues he needs to work on. I have noticed that some or most those times lately with me stemmed more from how I approached the topic and the timing. Like was he tired, or was he at work, or was I condescending. When I ask him questions more calmly and I try to pick more appropriate time, no matter the issue, he responds calmly and even the last week or so he has started to respond more empathetically, which is new. Granted there is still always an answer, and some make perfect sense, some to me seem weird.
yesterday is an example. we need to use our CC's for work expenses, and I do all the finances. I keep a log and we go over them. There were 3 charges and the location shows in the merchant name. What got me was the name of the merchant matched 2 food places he said he went to the day before, but he was in a different state, the 3rd charge was a typical supply store he would expense in the same area. I asked and he without hesitation responded that his asst mgr used the card for training and he allowed him to purchase them food and that he was unaware of the 3rd charge. I was still suspicious, chances they both chose the same restaurants (yes they are chains)?
He later said to me, without me bringing it up, that he understood my suspicions and that he understands that it's going to take a long time for me to believe him again because of all the lies, however that he is not changing his story because that is the story. We went over the expenses saying which were submitted and not and those he said were not. He was in his work email and I asked if I could look (I have access, but try to be respective of corporate policies). He said absolutely. I noticed an auto email receipt from the supply store and I said, "I thought you didn't know?". He said he didn't know at the time I asked but that he had saw it in his email after we talked and that he had submitted for reimbursement and he barely got the words out of his mouth and he could see I was about to say he just told me he didn't submit it. He said " Man I did submit, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot". This is what's hard. He looked genuine, and he is a spaz. I would not be shocked if everything he said is true, but if it was a lie, I wouldn't be shocked either. UGH!
The fact that he has never really had his act together makes it so hard. And the rest of the night was good, he talked about how our MC session was good and he thinks it's helping. The counselor took him aside at the end and talked to him alone. Our MC dealt with infidelity himself, when he was about the same age as WH and before he became a therapist. He told him how IC is really important and that reconciling takes take work and a long time, that the A was not worth it. I think that really hit home with him, I think knowing that it can be done is a something WH trips over in many areas. He fears and doubts himself, and I think that gave him some confidence and a dose of reality.
I just need to give him a chance to prove himself, but the waiting is the hardest part.
