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A year later why do I feel guilty/responsible

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betrayedhusband posted 2/5/2014 14:46 PM

Why is it that I feel guilt and responsibility? As if this was my fault. Are there other BS's feeling this way? How do you cope with those feelings?

tushnurse posted 2/5/2014 14:55 PM

I think you need to answer the why's of this. Why do you feel guilt and responsibility.


That is why I ask the why's. If your WS is telling you it was because you worked too much, or weren't attentive enough, or anything like that it's complete and total horseshit, and you should call it as such.

A BS IS NEVER THE CAUSE OF AN A. I REPEAT A BS IS NEVER THE CAUSE OF AN A. If your WS is not doing everything in the world to convince you otherwise they are not doing enough to heal the relationship.

sisoon posted 2/5/2014 16:58 PM

OTOH, it's very hard to really take in what tush says. It's really, really hard not to think your W cheated because of some failure in you - especially since you know your failures better than anyone else does.

Are you doing IC? IM, you're dealing with a self-esteem issue, and face-to-face interaction is the best way to get help solving it.

betrayedhusband posted 2/8/2014 18:10 PM

by no means is she making me feel guilty or responsible. It is my own thoughts/feelings that lead me to those feelings.

I still think about all of this atleast 5 times a day. just can't shake the thoughts.

Not currently in MC or IC.

Our relationship is very good.

But I still worry. Guess I always will. Not that anything she does makes me think she would ever do this to me again, but I never thought she would in the first place...

itstoomuch posted 2/8/2014 18:55 PM

Yes, all the time. Even though I KNOW it was his choice to do what he did and ultimately had nothing to do with me. Yet it is still hard to shake those thoughts at times. In a marriage, we are one, we are intimately connected to each other & when betrayal happens, it affects us in our minds like this. It's natural that both parties have hurts and stresses and even unmet desires in marriage, but it's our own individual choice how to handle them. We should be working together to deal with them, and if our spouse makes decision to have affair- it's completely their choice regardless of our own failures in a marriage. (Which just about everybody has something we need to work on- but that's people- and not every less than perfect person's spouse has A.) and even the 'perfect' spouses have been betrayed. This doesn't free me from being honest with my own issues I need to work on in our marriage; it just frees me from carrying the issues that are his. And the A is one of them.

I think helps to hear other people remind me it wasn't my fault. ... As simple as that is, it helps. It was not your fault, no matter what happened in past or what you did or didn't do, no matter what, it is NOT your fault. It was their decision.

Justgreatnews posted 2/8/2014 20:25 PM

So lets say you didn't pay enough attention to her. Common complaint, with often some validity.

What's ignored is there might well have been a reason you withheld something. You spouse may have been moody, harsh, whatever.

She no more gets to go have an affair for those reasons than you do. You find a way to deal with the problem within the marriage. Fight, talk, lock yourself in a room, insist on something, but affairs? That's low class, selfish, mean, and destructive. Never appropriate.

Face it, she fucked you over. Be mad, forgive, talk it out, or something, but don't feel guilty.

FeelingSoMuch posted 2/9/2014 16:07 PM

I felt guilty/responsible at first. Then, as we looked at our marriage in MC I realized that I was actually a very good husband.

And I haven't heard anything that makes me feel like I could've done anything differently. Yes, I make mistakes and I have many flaws. None are anywhere close to cheating. I feel confident this one is on WW.

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