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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: A year later why do I feel guilty/responsible
betrayedhusband
♂ 38443
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it that I feel guilt and responsibility? As if this was my fault. Are there other BS's feeling this way? How do you cope with those feelings?


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 157 | Registered: Feb 2013
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to answer the why's of this. Why do you feel guilt and responsibility.

No THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

That is why I ask the why's. If your WS is telling you it was because you worked too much, or weren't attentive enough, or anything like that it's complete and total horseshit, and you should call it as such.

A BS IS NEVER THE CAUSE OF AN A. I REPEAT A BS IS NEVER THE CAUSE OF AN A. If your WS is not doing everything in the world to convince you otherwise they are not doing enough to heal the relationship.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTOH, it's very hard to really take in what tush says. It's really, really hard not to think your W cheated because of some failure in you - especially since you know your failures better than anyone else does.

Are you doing IC? IM, you're dealing with a self-esteem issue, and face-to-face interaction is the best way to get help solving it.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
betrayedhusband
♂ 38443
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

by no means is she making me feel guilty or responsible. It is my own thoughts/feelings that lead me to those feelings.

I still think about all of this atleast 5 times a day. just can't shake the thoughts.

Not currently in MC or IC.

Our relationship is very good.

But I still worry. Guess I always will. Not that anything she does makes me think she would ever do this to me again, but I never thought she would in the first place...


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 157 | Registered: Feb 2013
itstoomuch
♀ 42301
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, all the time. Even though I KNOW it was his choice to do what he did and ultimately had nothing to do with me. Yet it is still hard to shake those thoughts at times. In a marriage, we are one, we are intimately connected to each other & when betrayal happens, it affects us in our minds like this. It's natural that both parties have hurts and stresses and even unmet desires in marriage, but it's our own individual choice how to handle them. We should be working together to deal with them, and if our spouse makes decision to have affair- it's completely their choice regardless of our own failures in a marriage. (Which just about everybody has something we need to work on- but that's people- and not every less than perfect person's spouse has A.) and even the 'perfect' spouses have been betrayed. This doesn't free me from being honest with my own issues I need to work on in our marriage; it just frees me from carrying the issues that are his. And the A is one of them.

I think helps to hear other people remind me it wasn't my fault. ... As simple as that is, it helps. It was not your fault, no matter what happened in past or what you did or didn't do, no matter what, it is NOT your fault. It was their decision.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
Justgreatnews
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So lets say you didn't pay enough attention to her. Common complaint, with often some validity.

What's ignored is there might well have been a reason you withheld something. You spouse may have been moody, harsh, whatever.

She no more gets to go have an affair for those reasons than you do. You find a way to deal with the problem within the marriage. Fight, talk, lock yourself in a room, insist on something, but affairs? That's low class, selfish, mean, and destructive. Never appropriate.

Face it, she fucked you over. Be mad, forgive, talk it out, or something, but don't feel guilty.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt guilty/responsible at first. Then, as we looked at our marriage in MC I realized that I was actually a very good husband.

And I haven't heard anything that makes me feel like I could've done anything differently. Yes, I make mistakes and I have many flaws. None are anywhere close to cheating. I feel confident this one is on WW.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 7

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