Also, According to him he has started working on himself and has been going to counseling and stopped drinking so much. He has shown remorse to me multiple times one of the times being when he stopped seeing the original OW and voiced how sorrowful he is and that he was going to start working on himself etc. Then along came the other OW who it seems has weaseled her way in..... It is very clear that my WH is vulnerable and I think the other OW saw that and etc. Sometimes I feel like theres hope other times I dont. I have been working on myself for sometime now, because as we all know theres always more to a story then when a spouse just cheats (usually anyway). I continue to take care of myself, work out more often to not only reduce stress but help my well being. I just feel so, I dont even know how to put it into words. WH and I have known eachother for almost ten years, we were best friends for many years before we started dating. I dont want to lose my best friend
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
COntinue here and you will get lots of advice. Eat, drink water, read the healing library. It has been an awesome resource for me.
If after a year he is and is still "on the fence" I would file, but that's me.
You need to put your healing first.
Continue to gain strength and walk down a healthy, emotionally secure place.
If he decides one day to catch up, you have a decison to make. Right now, he is gone and waffling. He has made the decision for you.
Walk towards your new life, don't let his limbo put you into one of your own.
I would go NC. He can't hurt you that way. It sucks at first, but with time, you will feel better. Promise. You're getting off of that emotional roller coaster. He's just stringing you along. He is being selfish and using you for his emotional well being. You've been separated for almost a year, but he still gets his ego kibbles from you when he needs them without giving you the same in return. You are enabling this behavior by allowing it.
You are wasting your life "with" him right now.
FWIW, my best friend wouldn't treat me like you WH is treating you.
His actions are showing you he knows. He wants to date. He wants to cake eat. He wants to use you to fill an emotional hole within him just like he's using the OW.
It's time for you to distance from the crazy. He's not remorseful or his actions would be showing you. I know we want to blame the OP, but if your WH really was getting help and working on himself, he would be able to man up and tell any potential OW "go away". It's been a year, that's the least he should be able to do at this point. If only to see that having an OW complicates his life, a person working on themselves doesn't want complications.
Sweetie, he's not your best friend. A best friend doesn't lie, cheat and continue to break your heart. He's his best friend. Please start the 180 so you can get perspective on this.
You mentioned that he has shown you remorse - how has he shown it? Your post mentioned that he talks with sorrow (words) but that he still sees the OW (actions). Words are cheap and easy. Remorse is demonstrated over time and through actions. Pay attention to the actions.
I will say this though, in his contacting me he has stated several times that he misses, to put it mildly, being "intimate" with me.
I am not sure if you have any insight on that as well?
Slowy but surely right?
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
We still communicate and even though I know that I truly want to fix things, he seems to not know what he wants. There are many layers to this whole situation
Not knowing what he wants... Right out of the cheaters handbook; fence sitting, cake eating, stringing you along, afraid you will clean him out in D... A disordered person finds the thrill in having two/three women pining for him, especially the taboo aspect of it, and enjoying hurting you. You are HIS WIFE for Gods sake, this means you are to be protected, valued, loved with genuine care... Don't allow this, and absolutely lower the boom, and make the choice for him... Me or her/them, and MEAN it! I'd file D so fast it would drop his jaw; you can't even hope to R if another is around, NO CHANCE AT ALL, even if your heart wants it.
It is very clear that my WH is vulnerable and I think the other OW saw that and etc
No, I see it as a manipulative, lying scumbag who is selfish and hurtful to you BY HIS OWN CHOICE, who could stop it anytime he likes by the same choice. He is not your friend, and all you would loose in my opinion, is a person who is totally disrespecting you, devaluing you, playing with your emotions and heart. Gently here; I'm curious, why do you allow this disrespectful situation to exist? Is it fear, fear of loneliness, fear of failure, security, etc... I hate bullies, and right now you are dealing with an emotional bully, who needs to have the wind taken out of the sails.
Please know what I say may seem harsh, but it is said with kindness, and for seeing the value in you, and wanting to see you not victimized. Best of luck, and hope in what ever way you find peace and out of this soul killing limbo.
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
I am not sure if you have any insight on that as well?
Gently, there could be several things in play - cake eating, wanting to keep you on the hook, marking his territory... My thoughts? He wants the privileges of being your husband without any of the responsibilities. It's incredibly disrespectful.
I second what NIK said.
If you slept with him, he gets what he wants, and you get hurt again when he leaves.
It seems like every time another woman bats an eye at him, he jumps at it. You don't deserve that.
My opinion, FWIW, is that with that much physical distance between you and a year separation under your belt already, I would move on. You've already started detaching in a sense, NC is really all that's left.