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Ex is being arrested- scared!!

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Sorceress posted 2/5/2014 16:10 PM

Scared because I had to give a statement. I gave a statement of truth saying how manipulative he is, how many times I wanted to leave him, how he would break me down and how I was afraid to leave him properly because he would say he was going to kill himself and that he was going to make sure me and the children were homeless etc. That statement is at odds with the statement I gave after Dday. I couldn't make sense of what was happening to my life then. I couldn't match the man they were saying they had with the man I continually persuaded myself to believe I had made a life with for the sake of children-I had a hard enough time seeing the cheater and my imaginary comfort object as the same person! So my statement then reads that I was hoping to make a relationship work with this man and that I couldn't believe he could have hurt his children. Because- why would I?

Now I'm terrified they are going to see me as an unreliable witness and a liar, since I stated back then that I was in a relationship with him, even though it made my blood run cold to say so. I thought if I told them that i wasn't happy and wanted him to stay away that the children would be forced into contact centres and also that he would make sure we lost out home. I thought he would know everything I said. I'm not a liar. I was just very confused and under more pressure than I could bear and had had more years of emotional abuse than I could handle.

Also, I distinctly remember saying originally that he had no weird sexual quirks. Today's statement saw me being completely honest and actually telling them about the time he forced himself on me. Am I going to be in trouble because they will think I am lying?

I know it is selfish of me to wonder but I am.

At least they believe my daughter and they are arresting him.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:17 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

abbycadabby posted 2/5/2014 16:13 PM

No advice. Just hugs


Undefinabl3 posted 2/5/2014 16:16 PM

Am I going to be in trouble because they will think I am lying

Well, its not a lie when they say 'anything you say can and will be used against you in court' unfortunately what you say is never used to your benefit.

I have never personally been in this situation, but I hear enough from DH to know that witnesses changing their stories are hard on the case.

Rainbows posted 2/5/2014 16:26 PM

Sending you hugs and light.

I know it can be scary. It's normal to worry about how they see you (for normal, good people ). Try to remember, they see this kind of stuff all the time and can tell pretty quickly which witnesses are lying and which have an agenda.

In my case, the detective also said that women "lie all the time to protect their abusers." So there is an expectation that a woman will cover up for her spouse/SO. In my case, they believed the abuse was more severe than I was reporting and kept pushing me to tell them everything (which was a different story).

Don't worry about things you said when you were being manipulated by your Ex, you won't get into trouble. Something like that would more likely come into play as part of his defense.

Hang in there. I know it's scary and unnerving, but can move quickly. Just remember, it's their job to protect you and your children.

Skan posted 2/5/2014 16:51 PM

(((hugs))) Your progression is really not that abnormal. Most spouses would, initially, upon being thrust into this situation, protect their spouse, be in denial about what was happening to them, would need to SEE the proof and process it, to be able to know the truth. And the further away you got from him, the more you learned, and the more that you were able to see things without him coloring the truth, the more that your eyes were opened to the truth.

Earlier you said that you had gotten your DD counseling. That he was at home and, while you were working your butt off to keep the family afloat, it was his "job" to get her to her counseling appointments. And only later did you realize that he never got off of the computer long enough to do this one, simple, essential thing for your DD. Yet, while you were still in that timeframe, you probably would have thought anyone crazy who came forward and told you that your DD wasn't getting to her appointments. It's when you step away from the craziness, the immediate situation, that you saw the truth.

So if there is any question from anyone about why your statements are so different, you tell them exactly that. You told the truth as you knew it at the time and to your horror and sorrow, what you knew as the truth then, was all a lie that you were fed.

Nature_Girl posted 2/5/2014 18:02 PM

I'm glad he's being arrested. You did the right thing. Your daughter will never forget that she was believed by you.

As for you changing your story, you know what? I did that, too. I used to not tell people the truth of my life. I didn't tell them what an abusive bastard my ex was. Didn't tell them my fears & observations about his sexual grooming of my children. People thought everything was fine because I told them it was fine.

But once I had my DDay I began being honest with my family, and once we separated I began being honest with everyone else, too. Yes, the tale I told was a different one. But just as the others here have mentioned, it's actually very normal for an abuse victim's story to change once she's safe from her abuser. That is what happens. While with the abuser the victim does whatever, says whatever she has to do in order to survive. Once she's out, once she's safe, the truth begins to become known.

Please don't worry about sounding like an unreliable flake. You're not. You are an abuse survivor.

nekorb posted 2/5/2014 20:31 PM


This must be so scary for you. I can't even imagine. You are doing the right thing. It will be ok.

nowiknow23 posted 2/5/2014 21:08 PM

((((Sorceress & DD))))

Twitchy posted 2/5/2014 21:38 PM

Having testified in court any number of times, I can assure you this is survivable.

Rap yourself in the truth. Wave it like a flag, even when it make you look bad.

Truth is, you were emotional overloaded not in possession of all the fact when you made your first statement. If it come to a cross-examination in court, explain exactly why the two statements differ. If the explanation is reasonable, then your evidence is reasonable. You have no control over lawyer or jury members. Just tell the truth to the best of your ability, own your mistakes, because your human, and let the evidence speak for itself. If you try and down play or hide it, it will look worse than it is.


gonnabe2016 posted 2/5/2014 22:24 PM

Since your previous statement was made so long ago and in reference to a totally different matter, it may not even be on anyone's radar.

And even if it does come up, your explanation is perfectly reasonable and understandable to anyone who has the slightest bit of knowledge about the dynamics of an abusive situation.

I wouldn't sweat this at all.

I am very glad to hear that the police arrested him after speaking they spoke to your DD.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:24 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

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