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BrokenPiecesofMe posted 2/5/2014 16:16 PM

My BF is the wayward here. I want to be with him so badly & Iwant it to work. I think he is stuck in the fog. He says he is not sure he what he wants. Why is it that I want to be with him regardless of what he has done to us? I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him for a while.Im feeling really emotional about it. I am at work trying to hold it together & I just cant.
Im hoping that is the best thing. I really love this guy but I know that I need to let him feel what its like to not have me? & then I may not even decide to stay if he takes to long. Has anyone felt like this before? The one betrayed wants to relationship but the wayward "might not"? Is there something clinically wrong with me? Why do I love him so much? & why am I willing to put up with the betrayl & Lies?

ziganska posted 2/5/2014 16:23 PM

You're not alone. I was/am very clingy and needy around my WH and still don't fully understand why. I guess because I idolized him all these years and never thought for one second, not one second, that he would do something like this to me that now that it's happened, it's like my world has been turned upside down. And the only way I can make sense of things is to think back to when I naively loved him and thought he loved me and I try so desperately to bring that life back. I'm sure it's some phase I'm going through. I can't do the 180 like others here. It's just not in me to do that and I may be doing more damage in our R but it's hard. He's still my H, I loved him deeply before I found out so it's hard to turn that off like a light switch, especially since he is so remorseful.

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 2/5/2014 16:31 PM

ziganska

Do you think that you would want to make it work if your husband was telling you he wasn;t sure if you were what he wanted? I feel stupid for wanting it to work, but I love him so much, I want him to change. I truly believe he has it in him but I know I cant force him.

Uhtred posted 2/5/2014 16:56 PM

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Love is a fickle thing and no fault of your own. Just make sure that you do not get continually abused by this person because that is not love.

If it were me I would not sit around and wait for someone to "Decide" if they want me in their life. You are so much better than what you've been given. You are not married to the man (I know this doesn't make it hurt any less)but you have options. I promise you that there is someone out there that would not treat you like you've been treated.

Had I not been married and had kids I would've walked away. It would've hurt but I would not build a future with someone who is not worthy in my eyes.

Take my advice with a grain of salt. That is just the way I think about these sort of things.

RippedSoul posted 2/5/2014 17:17 PM

When I didn't yet know about my SAWH's A and only suspected he'd been with prostitutes/escorts, we had a conversation where I told him how much I loved him and wanted to make our M work and where he told me we should have never married (22 years too late, right?) because he hadn't been honest at the beginning, we weren't compatible, and he thought we should both make a fresh start. That was pretty devastating. It's the fog, it's shame, it's guilt, it's who knows what. Maybe, for some, it's even true.

More than a year later, he's very different. About 10 days ago, he told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him (not pre- or post-sex, not to get something from me, not to butter me up--just as we were falling asleep).

Mind you, now that I've been on SI, I realize that my actions at the beginning (begging/pleading for our M) weren't ideal, but they happened. What I DID do that was good was I started to realize that I needed to be selfish. Self preservation. If he left me, I needed to be mentally stronger. If he left me, I needed to be physically healthy. If he left me, I needed to be emotionally prepared. So I started taking time for me. I started working out. I started spending time with my best friend. I started worrying less about him and more about our children. I started trying to love myself more than I loved him.

He changed. He's starting to do the work he needs to to become sober. He's VERY slow. But my time table--for him to change--is five years (when my last child leaves home), and if I'm not abused in the meantime, then I can afford to be patient. In our situation (SA), it's worked. Like others have said, though, as much as I truly love him, had this all happened before we married and brought four children into the world, I'd likely have cut my losses.

Best of luck to you! It hurts to love so deeply, but it's a good thing to be capable of. If he chooses not to be worthy of that love, someone else, someday, will be. Hugs!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 5:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 2/5/2014 17:39 PM

I fully get that if some of you weren't married/with kids that it would be much easier to walk away. I feel like we were married & I feel like I cant just walk away from this man I shared 14 years of my life with. I sort of feel like he's just throwing me away & everything we have built. After 14 years how could he not choose me? Even though I am so mad inside, I have so much love for him & I feel stupid for it. I am trying NC, its so hard. Sometimes I want to tell him I miss him & I love him but then I think about 180 & how it says that he isn't loveable right now & I agree with that statement. I am not sure why I want to say it, maybe becasue he says it back? Not sure, but this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I just want the pain to go away sooner rather than later. & I want him to make an effort badly.

[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 5:40 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

RealityStinks posted 2/5/2014 17:44 PM

BrokenPiecesofMe -
I'm going to translate for you. "He says he is not sure he what he wants" means "I want to see what happens with the OW, but I want you to stick around in case it doesn't work."

The absolute best thing you can do, which I did not and wish I had when I first found out, is kick him off the fence. Tell him you're done, go be with her. If that's what he does, you are better off knowing now rather than 6 months from now like me.

Hang in there.