When I didn't yet know about my SAWH's A and only suspected he'd been with prostitutes/escorts, we had a conversation where I told him how much I loved him and wanted to make our M work and where he told me we should have never married (22 years too late, right?) because he hadn't been honest at the beginning, we weren't compatible, and he thought we should both make a fresh start. That was pretty devastating. It's the fog, it's shame, it's guilt, it's who knows what. Maybe, for some, it's even true.
More than a year later, he's very different. About 10 days ago, he told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him (not pre- or post-sex, not to get something from me, not to butter me up--just as we were falling asleep).
Mind you, now that I've been on SI, I realize that my actions at the beginning (begging/pleading for our M) weren't ideal, but they happened. What I DID do that was good was I started to realize that I needed to be selfish. Self preservation. If he left me, I needed to be mentally stronger. If he left me, I needed to be physically healthy. If he left me, I needed to be emotionally prepared. So I started taking time for me. I started working out. I started spending time with my best friend. I started worrying less about him and more about our children. I started trying to love myself more than I loved him.
He changed. He's starting to do the work he needs to to become sober. He's VERY slow. But my time table--for him to change--is five years (when my last child leaves home), and if I'm not abused in the meantime, then I can afford to be patient. In our situation (SA), it's worked. Like others have said, though, as much as I truly love him, had this all happened before we married and brought four children into the world, I'd likely have cut my losses.
Best of luck to you! It hurts to love so deeply, but it's a good thing to be capable of. If he chooses not to be worthy of that love, someone else, someday, will be. Hugs!
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 5:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]