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Sheer hatred

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Hurtandhealer posted 2/5/2014 16:44 PM

Does anyone else experience times when you just feel sheer hatred towards your fws? I'm 7 months past d-day #2 and while we're really trying to work on our marriage and I'm really trying to control my feelings, sometimes I find myself feeling rage. I'll be snuggling with my husband and he'll sense my distant attitude and say "I feel like you just don't like me". I calmly say, "I like you", but I really want to scream "OF COURSE I DON'T LIKE YOU YOU *&^%(*& A**HOLE!!!! YOU CHEATED ON ME WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOUR TWIN SONS!!! YOU WERE CALLING HER CONSTANTLY THROUGHOUT MY 44 HOUR LABOR WHILE YOU WERE TAKING "SMOKE BREAKS"! YOU CALLED HER 17 TIMES THE DAY AFTER THE BOYS WERE BORN WHILE I WAS UNCONSCIOUS GETTING BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS! YOU SLEPT WITH HER WHEN OUR BOYS WERE ONLY 2 WEEKS OLD AND THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO COME HOME AND GIVE ME A HUG AND THANK ME FOR LETTING YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED! WHO THE HELL WOULD LIKE YOU?!?!" Sorry, but that feels a little better. Anyone else feel this? How do you calm your inner beast down!

Lovedyoumore posted 2/5/2014 16:58 PM

Since this is the R forum I will censor my self....hell yes I have felt that rage. I quit eating dinner at the table long ago because all I wanted to do was reach over and slap him silly. Our kids are grown so I now eat in the den. At three years out I still have to stifle the hateful remarks that pop in my head. If my anger comes with something I feel will move our relationship forward, I will let him know how I feel. I do not want to shove everything aside because he needs to know I am hurting. If my feelings have nothing to be gained from them, I remove myself from the situation until they pass or I write them down to be addressed later when I calm my inner monster down.

Let your H know what you are feeling, especially when he asks or makes such a stupid statement. I would have let him have it also. Double barrel with a smile and bless your stupid little heart.

deena04 posted 2/5/2014 17:01 PM

Mine is love / hate. Some moments love and some moments hate. Today is on the fence.

lostinthesouth posted 2/5/2014 17:28 PM

must be the crappy cold weather--because I feel the same way today. hate/rage/love/I cant do this---it's a minute by minute thing. I want the roller coaster to stop. This is a tough road! Hugs to us all

devasted30 posted 2/5/2014 21:09 PM

I agree with everyone here. Love/hate. And worse yet, sometimes both at the same time. I fear I will wake up one day and I will only feel the hate and the love will never come back.

RidingHealingRd posted 2/6/2014 00:58 AM

How do you calm your inner beast down!

Very simply...I didn't. I never had any brain to mouth editing and I never had any regrets about that. IMO repression does not make it go away, it just makes it worse.

I am 3+ years out and never do I look back and think, "I should have said him" Believe me, I said it all.

I wonder why, when your insides were screaming, did you calmly reply "I like you"? Why didn't you calmly tell him the truth?

StorybookGirl42 posted 2/6/2014 19:47 PM

I do feel a lot of anger sometimes. In my situation, we cannot have full NC with the OW because the OW is the mother of my stepson. She has every right to be in her son's life so we still have to talk to her and deal with her on a regular basis.

It kills me sometimes. I find myself repeating a mantra in my head to keep the smile on my face and put up the facade of civility sometimes.

And the thing is, it isn't just her I get mad at. Let me be honest. I'm overweight. I'm losing weight again (I lost a bunch during the EA he was having and then gained it all back in stress eating, gah I'm a mess).

But this woman is not just overweight, she's a slob. Her pants are all too long with the tread on cuffs ripping and trailing behind her. She wears shirts two sizes too small that have her belly hanging out of them. Her hair is NEVER combed and looks like something is living in it.

I just want to scream at him "This is what you picked over me? This is what turned your head and got your rocks off? This slob with more rolls than the Michelin man and rat's nest hair was better than me? You USED me as a baby sitter for the kid you had with this monstrosity and everything is supposed to be fine?!?!?"

They are happening less than they used to, but they still happen sometimes.

Most recently, the stupid twit thought it was okay to just try and stop by our apartment to drop off some completely unnecessary eye insurance card for the kid (We have insurance on him, but she insists we need her stuff, too). Calls him up, leaves a voicemail saying she is coming by. He just left to go back to campus (he's a full time student right now) and then called her back to say "You are not welcome to just drop by the apartment. Also, we do not have pressing need for that insurance card. You can just give it to us at the next drop off." She had the audacity to be offended by this.

And me? I'm just seething that this bitch still can't see the lines. And that makes me feel irritated and angry at him. *Sigh* vicious cycle.

Morhurt posted 2/6/2014 20:39 PM

I don't have pure rage often but when I do it's usually accompanied by sobbing and hysterics. And at that point I say it all. If I have to feel it, he needs to hear it. It doesn't build intimacy to say you like him when you don't (even if it's just at the moment) when you're upset. Being honest builds intimacy in my experience.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 2/6/2014 20:46 PM

I completely understand what your saying. The funny thing is though, i will be mad as hell and the minute he senses it and backs away, i feel needy and sad. EWW I hate those days!! I have never once told my SO that i hate him or he disgust me or any language like i know if i did it would hurt him to his soul. What ive found to really work, is write ALL OF IT DOWN. Somewhere private of course. For me, i just had to get it out, it really didnt even matter if he saw it or not. At least if i had it wrote down and i needed to tell him those feelings one day (for who knows what reason) I still had them there, just as raw as i felt at that moment!~

Hope this helps!!

lostinthesouth posted 2/6/2014 21:03 PM


I have never once told my SO that i hate him or he disgust me or any language like that

sometimes I wish I didn't have word vomit--but I do and am guilty of saying that

SI Staff posted 2/6/2014 21:20 PM

Everyone -

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Please post accordingly.

Thank you.

LA44 posted 2/6/2014 21:35 PM

Some of the angriest people I know today have been repressing for years. At 7 months out, rage is normal but if you don't express it you could feel rage at 27 months out.

The A broke me open and out spilled the resentment, hurt, anger the I kept too long inside. Stuff that was in there well before D-Day.

Anger is not "bad". Its another emotion that needs to be expressed - as responsibly as possible - and I know that is hard considering the card we have been dealt.

FracturedSoul posted 2/7/2014 00:01 AM

"It's got to hurt inside...when love and hate collide!"...thanks Def Leppard. Your lyrics are applicable to all of us here.♡

[This message edited by FracturedSoul at 12:02 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

whereismylove posted 2/7/2014 00:30 AM

I know , just when I think I'm in a good place I get angry. Today while making the bed, I fluffed the pillows by punching them while visualizing each of them and letting loose every curse word known. It was good I recommend it.

whiteflower99 posted 2/7/2014 06:35 AM

No advice cause I don't know how to get past it. I never did. I still want to drive an ice pick through his eyes.

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