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Is this just a little lie?

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turtle72 posted 2/5/2014 18:09 PM

WH is reading Not Just Friends. This was a sore point because he had read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair but seemed reluctant to read NJF. It was one of my non negotiables. He has spent time reading it at home and says he reads it at lunch. Yes, this makes me happy.

Everyday he emails or texts "going to the warehouse to eat/read. I love you." One night last week he was reading late and said "I am going to stop at chapter 5" put a bookmark in and we went to bed. And I have received the "going to eat/read" message every day since. But I just looked in his work bag and the book is there - still bookmarked at chapter 5.

So he is not reading it but telling me he is. It is possible he is taking a break from it and doesn't want me to be mad so he lied. Still a lie. It is possible he is rereading pages - not likely. Where my mind goes is - if he is lying about that what else is he lying about. They work together so I have no way to monitor communication there. I can track his location on his phone but for all I know he could leave it in his bag right next to the unread book and be at her apartment during lunch. Maybe all this transparency is just a cover.

Just needed to write this out before I ask him about it so my head didn't explode.

Lionne posted 2/5/2014 18:52 PM

Ask him. Preface by reminding him that little lies are just as damaging as big lies.

NJF is a difficult book. Hell, R is hard work. Allow that processing this stuff and changing long held attitudes takes time. Maybe he just needs time to process what he has read so far. While I don't think you should put those words in his mouth, it's possible this is part of the hold up.

Ask him to please continue reading it, for the sake of your recovery.

JellyGirl84 posted 2/5/2014 19:02 PM

I know this sounds weird but it's coming from a teacher: any way you could tell him another non-negotiable is that he can pass a 5-question quiz about each chapter? That way, you know if he is reading and if he is understanding what he's reading.

solus sto posted 2/5/2014 19:41 PM

In the post-infidelity landscape, there is no such thing as a "little lie," IMO.

Particularly when the subject of the lie is something you've identified as non-negotiable.

There's just no room for any form of dishonesty.

That said, Trac-Fone's long-term (well, permanent) stall on page 17 of After the Affair was pretty concrete evidence, to me, of his priorities. He didn't value our marriage enough to read a book.

That says quite a lot, really.

You've got double trouble: a husband who's still comfortable lying to you, and one who's unwilling to expend even the minimal effort necessary to read a book.

Not cool.

turtle72 posted 2/5/2014 19:47 PM

When I came back in from posting this he was actually in our room reading it! I did ask why he said he has been reading at lunch when he clearly has not. He said he goes to lunch intending to but eats and falls asleep. I do believe that, we have had a lot of late nights.

While I won't be giving him a chapter quiz I did ask him to talk to me about what he is reading and how it makes him feel, good or bad. We shall see.

CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 19:50 PM

TURTLE am I reading your "signature" right that you divorced and then remarried the same person? I am curious because this is so rare TO ME anyways. When I think of the possibility of divorcing my WS it scares me because of the "permanence" it portrays to me. To know this has been done by others, maybe D won't seem so "scary" to me.

Athene posted 2/5/2014 20:30 PM

My WH did this too about a book I needed him to read. He never got past chapter 3 in weeks.
Said he read and re-read the same chapters over and over. May be true for your WS. I am a voracious reader and yes, I need to re-read heavier things or come back to them when I need a refresher or they applied later in our process but not as much earlier. And he is not a reader. So I did believe him for a "very short" time.

But for mine, ultimately, it was a load of crap because he really didn't get what was in the 1st 3 chapters - especially if he spent that much time on them trying to soak them in.

turtle72 posted 2/5/2014 21:10 PM

If he wasn't right next to me I would swear he was reading my posts. We were laying in bed and he asked it he could read me a paragraph that touched him and cried. He has not cried unless it was in response to my crying. Said he is feeling more the enormity of what he has done.

Sorry CantLoseHope - not remarried to the same man. This is WH#2.

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