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I.will.survive posted 2/5/2014 18:49 PM

I posted recently about my boyfriend breaking up with me because he wanted to know if marriage was in our future and I felt like no, it was not.

Long story short, he asked me in person last Thursday to take him back. That he made a big mistake and he's truly in love with me. I considered it for days.

This morning I found out from a coworker that he is on Match! WTH? He's pouring his heart out to me this entire time, saying he loves me, he's sure and he's also looking for another girl to replace me at the same time!?

I called him out on it this morning via phone. He's apologized a million times. Too late. Damage done.

He left a sobbing voicemail an hour ago. Said he hates himself for doing to me exactly what he was trying to UN do from my ex. That I needed someone I could trust, build me up, etc. Great, thanks douchebag for betraying me emotionally.

I give up. We're done for sure, despite his apologies. How do you apologize for actively seeking a replacement for me while declaring your undying love?

Big mistake. I'm not being very forgiving am I? He's great. Just broken. And I'm too mad to be sad at the moment. I have had lots of tears over him for weeks.

nowiknow23 posted 2/5/2014 18:51 PM

((((iws)))) So sorry, honey.

Gomphus posted 2/5/2014 18:58 PM

I'm sorry but good for you for sticking to your guns and finding the truth. And it must be supportive to know you were (even more) right in choosing to end it. hugs

PhoenixRisen posted 2/5/2014 19:26 PM

Sorry for your hurt but you are so right!!
His declaration on undying love while on match = he is insincere! And you caught it! Good for you!
((Hugs))
Raise the bar. You'll meet someone who can rise to it (not this one!)

PhoenixRisen posted 2/5/2014 19:27 PM

Sorry for your hurt but you are so right!!
His declaration on undying love while on match = he is insincere! And you caught it! Good for you!
((Hugs))
Raise the bar. You'll meet someone who can rise to it (not this one!)

newnormal posted 2/6/2014 06:36 AM

WTF! Really?

(((I willsurvive)))

Twitchy posted 2/6/2014 06:48 AM

I may get flamed for this, but I have a very anoying habit of playing Devil's Advocate.

If he had started the profile after breaking up with you, then realized he wanted you back and stopped using it, would that change your decision?

If you feel strongly enough for this guy, would it be worth it audit his account to see when he created and how often he used it? I know it would opening you up to more hurt if he truly is a douche, but....

Either way (((IWS)))

SisterMilkshake posted 2/6/2014 06:56 AM

I agree with you, Twitchy. I feel it may be like Rachel and Ross: We were on a break!

I.will.survive posted 2/6/2014 08:33 AM

I love hearing opposing views.

He activated his old account on Match last Wednesday. We didn't meet there. Last Thursday he asked me to take him back. He broke up with me 2 Sundays ago. I found out about him being on Match yesterday. I spent Saturday with him and our kids. So he was active then and I didn't know.

He changed his pics and added some new stuff. When I looked last night, he had been active in the last 24 hrs.

He told me it was a mistake to do that. (When we last spoke at 9 am yesterday after I was told he was on there) That he was trying to mask the pain of losing me....reminder, he broke up with ME.

He is confused. I do believe he loves me deeply. He left a hyperventilating/ sobbing voicemail that said he hates himself for ruining what he tried to do in building me back up with trust.
So he is very aware of the irony of this ending, given my past.

But his account is still active. And has been for a full week without me knowing it AND him trying to win me back. He knows he f'ed up. He said it.

It doesn't add up for me. He has scared me off. :(

I' m very sad today.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 8:41 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Twitchy posted 2/6/2014 08:47 AM

It doesn't add up for me. He has scared me off. :(

And that about covers it. I'm so sorry.

sparkysable posted 2/6/2014 11:18 AM

I think it's a giant red flag that he is so desperate to not be alone that he will start looking for anybody just to not be alone.

I.will.survive posted 2/6/2014 11:32 AM

I agree. He needs counseling to address this. No amount of reassurance that it's ME he wants can make up for his actions of being on a dating site at this point in our relationship.

Haven't heard from him. Doubt I will. I wasn't nice in pointing out his transgressions via email last night.

LearningToRun posted 2/7/2014 12:49 PM

You know, the match.com and all the other drama doesnt fix this:

But something was missing for me. I don't know what "it" is, but I do know that if I would have married him in a couple of years, something would feel like I was settling.

And from your talk of your Ex, sounds like you picked another one just like him.

Stick to your guns and move on. If the match.com stuff helps you, then so be it.

cmego posted 2/7/2014 12:56 PM

Yeah, if he had deactivated it instantly, then I could kinda see the "we were on a break!" argument. But, since it is still active…nope.

BUT, just because it says "active within 24 hours" does not mean he was actively on the site, it could also mean he simply opened an email.

Regardless, he didn't deactivate the account. Which is what he should have instantly done. Not cool, and kinda sad…and scary all at once.

Some guys view OLD as a "lifeline", as in "Awesome…I can always find another woman!" This kinda sounds like his MO. It is why I question guys before I agree to go out with them…and one of the questions is, "When did you last end a relationship?".

((I.will.survive))

sheila0304 posted 2/7/2014 13:05 PM

I admire your strength. You're sparing yourself future heartache. I took my ex-husband back repeatedly after his pleading. All I did was waste years of my life and erode my self-esteem.
I pray a good man enters your life soon.

((i will survive))

I.will.survive posted 2/7/2014 22:44 PM

And from your talk of your Ex, sounds like you picked another one just like him.

Actually, they are almost exact opposites. The only thing they have in common is me.

My boyfriend didn't cheat on me. Or plan to...I do believe that. His sobbing message to me was that he thought I would never take him back, that he had ruined us permanently.

Doesn't excuse him from joining Match while trying to win me back though. Just shows how broken he is, IMO. So much so that he needed immediate ego stroking by looking for a replacement. Oh wait, maybe he IS like my ex husband because I'm positive OW stroked everything she could.

BUT, just because it says "active within 24 hours" does not mean he was actively on the site, it could also mean he simply opened an email.

I didn't know that. I don't know anything about how Match works. He did say to me when I called him about this that he would take it down immediately. He was at work all day, but when I checked it at 9pm that night to actually look at his profile, it was still there. I did say "don't bother" since the damage is done. He should have just taken it down because he is in NO shape to date another woman right now.

one of the questions is, "When did you last end a relationship?".

Definitely will be asking this when I decide to get back out there. If I remember right (it's been almost a year) he had many dinner dates, but only 2 short relationships in the 18 months he was separated. One had ended 2 months before we met.

I guess that's why it's just shocking to me that he would put himself back out there while trying to win me back and daily saying I love you. I believe he does, but I also believe he has a real problem with being alone and wants desperately to find a loving wife.

Stick to your guns and move on. If the match.com stuff helps you, then so be it.

Right. It does help, but it really hurts. I love him, but I knew he wasn't my forever love. Hence the other thread with my posts regarding that. But remember, I wasn't looking to remarry. I was enjoying the incredible new sensation of an equal and loving partner! Something exWH certainly didn't provide for years.

Time will heal this. I lost a best friend who made me laugh, was a great listener, genuinely cared about me and my son for almost a year. It will just take time to get used to not speaking to him. Ever. :(

Thank you all, I really appreciate your insight.

SBB posted 2/8/2014 01:00 AM

I think it's a giant red flag that he is so desperate to not be alone that he will start looking for anybody just to not be alone.

THIS.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I.will.survive posted 2/8/2014 08:07 AM

I 100% agree with you.

He's a really good man. He needs counseling to address this fear.

I woke up all last night with that song about "and you let her go" playing on repeat in my head.

I'm really missing him this morning. It's hard to get used to not even talking to him, let alone seeing or touching him.

I deleted 7 albums of pictures from things we did off of Facebook, 1800+ emails, hundreds of texts, his phone numbers, email addresses, threw away dozens of cards and sweet notes. I have to remove the temptation to just reach out and see if he's ok.

He will be. I hope.

cmego posted 2/8/2014 08:23 AM

Yeah, there have been several threads recently about letting go of people that were important to you. It is hard, but it is necessary in order to find a good, healthy relationship. It is hard when you miss the friendship part of the relationship,at least for me. You want your friend back, but the caveat is…with the "friend" part comes all of the unhealthy parts too.

When I first end a relationship, I have to make it a daily choice to NOT reach out, because I know that nothing has changed.

It is OK to grieve the loss, and know that the best thing you could have done is give him a push back and let him figure it out on his own. I don't know why some men use Match as a crutch to lean on, I just know they do and it isn't healthy.

That is also one of my favorite songs right now,
"Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies"

Good song.

I.will.survive posted 2/8/2014 09:14 AM

I think that is the song I was hearing all night!

Our relationship was very healthy. Seriously, nothing toxic about it. I just knew that I didn't want to get remarried and that was the opposite of his goal. It finally broke him down, but then he had regrets. But he can't change his make up. He's wired for a wife. Maybe I DO want a husband, but not for a very long time I think. The higher divorce rate scares me.

You are exactly right, cmego, that it's up to him to figure this out since I gave him pushback in the form of "why the hell are you on Match right now?"

For whatever torturous reason, I just looked for his profile. He deleted it.

I'm grateful. I don't want him getting hurt or using someone else to get over me. Not fair to anyone.

I'm still very emotional and just choked back tears to my brother on the phone. Gaaah! Definitely need to avoid this topic because it's still too fresh. I'm lonely even though I'm not alone.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 9:16 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

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