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new discovery, and i've lost it....

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CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 20:23 PM

I am truly starting to feel like professional help is in my future..... granted I have been to counselors before with my WH. Also went to a few solo sessions when we separated. Thought I have been doing extremely well.... been working on myself, caring for myself, trying to move forward as much as my heart will allow while in limbo. The bad news, I have just come across some info that may or may not be true. My H may or may not have gotten the OW pregnant...... literally cant stand on my own two feet right now because every time I stand up my legs shake like leaves.
I feel like there is a big target on my heart and I am getting hit with everything with no relief.

MovingUpward posted 2/5/2014 20:27 PM


If you need some professional help then go ahead and seek it. Dealing with this can be very difficult. Sending you positive thoughts.

simplydevastated posted 2/5/2014 20:27 PM

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))

Nature_Girl posted 2/5/2014 20:28 PM


That's a big punch to the gut. Remember to breathe. Be gentle with yourself as you sort this out.

CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 20:32 PM

A VERY big punch to the gut.......
you know what I hate most? when people tell you "everything happens for a reason"
I want to say back to them.... oh yeah so this emotional turmoil i have been thrown and dealing with for over a year I deserve in some way?
and trust me I have been thrown way more grief then what my H has thrown at me in this time period....
it keeps coming.....
I feel like a feral cat who is trapped in the corner who so scared it will do anything to get out of that corner.

JanaGreen posted 2/5/2014 20:44 PM

I am so sorry -do you have an EAP program through your work? Sometimes they have numbers you can call to talk to someone immediately.

nowiknow23 posted 2/5/2014 21:04 PM


Breathe, honey. Keep breathing. In this moment, you need to ground yourself until the anxiety eases.

Focus on feeling the ground beneath your feet. Feel the wall behind your back. The chair underneath you. Count the breaths in and out. Close your eyes, and focus on these things until your panic subsides.

Slow and easy. You can do this.

CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 22:09 PM

i appreciate all of this support, I honestly am so glad I found SI. In my extreme time of need right now, the more support I can get the better. One thing I am proud of,.... he doesnt even know I know because I have learned to control my emotions and have not said a word about it. At this point I am unsure as to why I have chose to not say anything.

FoggedIn posted 2/5/2014 22:32 PM


Lots of Hugs!

And don't think twice about calling a therapist/counselor ASAP! You need support and a reliable counsel right now!

CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 22:33 PM

What if you cant afford a psychiatrist or counseling????????

cantgetup posted 2/5/2014 22:33 PM

Any chance this is the typical OW move? Feigning a pregnancy. In more cases than not, it's a ploy that happens to be untrue. Consider your sources and proceed with caution.

CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 22:37 PM

That is exactly what I have been playing with in my mind as well, and as you said I am definitely not jumping to any harsh decisions. In many ways I am waiting for him to tell me, because he doesnt even know I know. I haven't said a word about it to him, and have continued to act the exact same way as before I found out. I feel like this OW has trapped him obviously on purpose. I mean, I am 100% sure he is not happy about it.

CantLoseHope posted 2/5/2014 22:42 PM

Is there anyone else out there that thinks this might be a ploy? An attempt at trapping? An attempt to "get" him to divorce me?

BAB61 posted 2/5/2014 23:16 PM

Is WH NC with OW? How is his transparency? Are you able to check his phone? Can you see his texts? If you don't have that then it's anybody's guess as to if OW is pregnant or not.


As others have said, please take care of yourself. Make sure you are drinking water, exercising (not just exercising restraint! lol), and getting outside daily. Get to your counselor, the one that saw you and WH. They already know some of the story .. so you don't have to spend that time.

Want2help posted 2/5/2014 23:25 PM

Is there anyone else out there that thinks this might be a ploy? An attempt at trapping? An attempt to "get" him to divorce me?

At the same time my FWH was having his A, my BFF's H was having an A.

Both OWs were dumped for the FWH to R with the BSs, and BOTH OWs showed up shortly after, "pregnant".

My BFF's FWH's OW was NOT pregnant. She was faking to break up the marriage.

My FWH's OW WAS pregnant. She was purposely pregnant to break up our, and (in her words) "ruin Want2help's life".

Do you mind disclosing how you heard anything?

norabird posted 2/5/2014 23:35 PM

Just because you have been knocked down by this doesn't mean you won't get up. The work you were doing to care for yourself and move forward? Right now it may seem shattered, but it's not. The work you were doing on yourself is still there and once you absorb this shock, which it is totally normal to be set back by, you will start focusing on yourself again. You are only human and we all would feel pain at this. Let yourself feel it, and then brush yourself off. It may feel impossible now, but I promise you will do it!

CantLoseHope posted 2/6/2014 00:26 AM

The discovery was made by reading an email sent from the OW to my WH

homewrecked2011 posted 2/6/2014 00:49 AM

I am truly starting to feel like professional help is in my future..

First, if you don't have any $$ does your town have a domestic violence center? I got my children and I into counseling there for $1.00 a visit. Emotional abuse IS domestic violence. Getting past the receptionist is sometimes hard, but try really hard to get an appt with one of the counselors.

Secondly, when I saw the 12,000 text messages between OW and WS, I drove to Charter treatment center, but I had no money for counseling. What I did have was insurance. If you do, they accepted me right away for outpatient and they filed my insurance and let me pay out the deductible. They need money like everyone else and I guess they know for sure they will get the insurance $. The counseling was 9-5 m-f for 3 weeks. Several other women in the group were there for the exact same thing!

There is also Alanon - it's free and many people on here have said how it helped them. They have free anon phone meetings, the info is on their website. I listened in on these meetings on my way to and from work, it's like a conference call, no one but the moderator knows you are there unless you choose to talk.

Can you get a book on CD called "Love Must Be Tough". By chapter 2 my mind was very cleared up. It's about how to stand up to WS and NOT take their crap. THe author is Dr. James Dobson and he says after years of counseling that standing up to the lack of respect is most important. It really really helped me- it was an easy read from the library,because I could not focus at all at first, but I kept that book with me all the time and could read just a page or two at a time.
(((cant lose))) keep posting here, we care.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:52 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Holly-Isis posted 2/6/2014 06:45 AM

Please stop looking at him as a victim. If he's having sex, protected or not, there's still always a risk of pregnancy or STDs. He wasn't tricked into her vagina.

She may be lying about it, but that's not your issue. He's walked out on you and is showing he can make his own choices. He's choosing to lie. He's choosing to cheat. He's choosing to string you along. He's choosing to try and lure you into a booty call. He's choosing to treat you, his wife, like an option. Make no mistake, he's not a victim. It's easier to accept that someone we love would hurt us like that when we tell ourselves they were tricked.

But facing the truth, that they make the choice to keep visiting this hurt upon us, helps us grow a backbone and stop accepting horrible treatment.

Undefinabl3 posted 2/6/2014 09:19 AM

you know what I hate most? when people tell you "everything happens for a reason"
I want to say back to them.... oh yeah so this emotional turmoil i have been thrown and dealing with for over a year I deserve in some way?

No, everything happens for a reason is way different then what you get is what you deserve.

Nobody deserves the pain that comes along with this mess. However, for many many on the otherside of this pain - it has changed them so profoundly, that they can say that the reason they have changed was because of it.

It's your choice how you come out the otherside - no matter what your WS says or does, its always your choice to stay or go. To put your foot down and demand change or to walk away and make your own change. I have seen BS's get stuck in neutral waiting for their WS's to start driving when in reality, the BS needs to get into the driver's seat and start controling the situation.

We all wish that the circumstances of our change was completely different - but we WS's and BS's alike can all take hold of which direction our change goes from the point of impact on (for better or not).

Tools like IC and MC, and AD's are just that - tools. They should be used when you do not currently possess the tools to get you through to the next step. They are good - not bad. They should be used more often to assist people.

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