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Moving on and feeling vunerable

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morethantrying posted 2/5/2014 21:28 PM

At some point do you just have to take a leap of faith and move on with your life?

I am one year out, going well in R, but have anxieties and apprehensions -- he is not giving me any reason to have thesse let it be noted. I just take a leap of faith? that is instead of thinking he is doing X at lunch, I go ahead and really let myself trust, believe and thereby focus on other things rather than letting the little devil get his way and think, even a little...oh he could be doing...(when I have good reason to believe he is not)?

But I am afraid to be that vulnerable again even when all is going well and has been. I am afraid if I "let up" he will again...I will miss the signs again. That is, if I let my guard down (constant mental vigilance and awareness) that I will miss the "signs" again?

But perhaps this is not clear thinking. Constant mental viligence alone does not stop anything...thoughts do not make something happen or not happen...what I should look at are his actions...which are great...

So what I struggle with are aftereffects (this seems natural and normal give the situation) of the traumatic events. I can let it go, give myself peace in some sense by just going ahead and letting myself be vulnerable again...oh that is so hard to do...but to be vulnerable again, to take that leap of faith and trust is sooooooooooooo scary....I never want to be hurt like this ever again...I just couldn't take it...

My rational brain is ahead of the emotions on this "leap of faith" is so hard to have these emotions lagging like this.....

ItsaClimb posted 2/6/2014 00:13 AM

I have made the decision to take the leap of faith. I could not have done this until now, it took a full 16 months for me to process everything and during that time I had zero trust, zero faith. But in the last month or two I have come to the decision that if I want to be genuinely happy and fulfilled I need to take that leap.

My reasoning is that my worrying, stressing and obsessing is not going to stop my fWH from going out and having an affair if that's what he wants to do. I can't control him with my worry and distrust. On the other hand, from what I can see, he has completely changed and is extremely unlikely to want to go out and have another A... so I am more than likely worrying and stressing for no reason, and by doing so I am ruining the chance of a good marriage. Also, I have proved that I CAN survive his infidelity (it has been the most awful experience of my entire life, but I have survived!) so what is the worst that can happen? He screws up and I have to survive it again... I can do that and this time I have all the resources at hand. So worst case scenario I will be okay. My other fear was that I would feel a complete idiot if I took the leap of faith and he then betrayed me... When I thought about that I realised HE would be the complete idiot, not me. If he took my love and forgiveness and threw it under the bus, that does not make me an idiot, it makes him an idiot.

So all things considered I have taken that leap. It is very scary and I have moments of panic, but I can already see the decision bearing fruit. I feel HAPPY.

Disclaimer: I would NOT have done this if I didn't feel completely certain that fWH is all in and working hard on his issues. And I could NOT have done this even 3 months ago, at that time I was still hard at work processing. Just recently I came to the point where I needed to do this for me. I was SO tired of the ongoing suffering. Long ago I read a brilliant post about the difference between pain and suffering and it said something along the lines of "pain is unavoidable, but suffering... the ongoing "keeping the pain alive".... is a personal choice." I choose to let go of the suffering, but I still have moments of pain - I think I always will.

Give your emotions time morethantrying. I am sure that they will catch up with your logical brain once they have processed the trauma you have suffered. You seem to be so "together" with all of this. I read your posts and you make so much sense. {hugs}

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 4:03 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

morethantrying posted 2/6/2014 01:47 AM


All the things you wrote, you perspective on A and R, well, I really agree with and at some point (think I am getting there) I will completely internalize those sentiments as well and move on more.

I am starting to get "tired of it all", I really liked your comments about the worst case scenario and surviving it....if he did not accept my forgiveness and true caring emotions ...yes, spot on...Great is all perspective...

I have to believe I really am a good person. I have always tried my best in this kind of lose faith and trust in your OWN instincts when there is an what is more, it is all maybe more about trusting MYSELF again (rather than him) and what I cam capable of and who I am

No doubt...his infidelity shook the faith I had in myself...this is really upside down thinking if I truly consider it...I didn't cheat...he did! Shook the faith I had in judging and trusting I started to doubt other things I thought...thought were the true "reality"...maybe I was all wrong about really shakes you to the core, doesn't it....yet even still, I knew, and know, that this thinking is off, but internalizing, letting rational thinking rule rather than scared emotions is hard.

I want to trust myself that I will be okay now. I want to trust that I am judging his actions realistically...see, this is more about me trusting myself and my abilities to see reality accurately and being able to handle it, this is more about me having faith in myself that I will, and can be okay...

Yes, worse case, (and it is hard to think about this but maybe helps to go that you think?)

But how about I think about the best case scenario as well? That we will happy reconcile (are doing that already, that he will communicate with me (he is doing that) and I will communicate with him (yes) our love will grow and strengthen, (happening), we will have happiness in our new relationship, and it will be NEW, and sincere fondness for each other... and that when one of us dies, the other will be so distraught that the other goes soon after....of course I will be the one to be distraught first...

I don't think I am all there yet, but getting there. Thank you so much. I am going to print your response out and read it now and me hope one person has gone before me with a similar point of view as I have, survived and is moving on. THANK YOU.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 6:23 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

RipsInMyChest posted 2/6/2014 05:41 AM

I am 14 months out and I relate to everything you said. My hardest hurdles are over the gap between logic and emotion. Itsaclimb, thank you for your perspective as well....I am closing that gap and getting braver each day. Hugs to all.

morethantrying posted 2/6/2014 07:35 AM

I absolutely understand what you mean by the gap....may never be closed, but perhaps a truce will be called....

sisoon posted 2/6/2014 09:21 AM

Sorry - hit submit when I meant to cancel.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:24 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Arnold01 posted 2/6/2014 14:32 PM

I love these posts. What great messages from all of you!

Morethantrying, I wrote almost an identical post several weeks ago. You're not alone. And my solution was to do as ItsaClimb suggested - take the leap of faith. When looking at my choices, I realized I could continue to live in anxiety and apprehension and be certain to be unhappy...or I could choose to take the leap to be happy, knowing there is a chance I could be hurt again.

And taking the leap really helped me feel stronger in every way. Not just about H and our relationship, but about myself and my ability to trust my own judgment again and to take care of myself.

Having said that, I've had a relapse recently. Let the old anxieties slip in and I'm struggling to get back to where I was. Maybe I took the leap too soon and wasn't done processing my own feelings. So if you take the leap to move on, don't get discouraged if not every day is perfect. I try to look for progress, not perfection.

Good luck!

Gardenerinpain posted 2/6/2014 14:45 PM

I feel very vulnerable as well. After being separated for almost 5 months, we talked and agreed to try R. He is saying all the right things, but he is in contact with AP.
While we were separated, he had no expectation of reconciliation (I bought a house on my own) and AP contacted him as she had to have cancer surgery and wanted him to help her with going to doctor's appts., being there for surgery, etc. which he agreed to. However, when AP found out we were back in touch she found someone else to help her.
BUT, she keeps calling and leaving messages. I told him that he had to go NC and he has agreed, but has not emailed her yet (worried about stressing her!).
Am I being stupid to have any hope this time??

Undone1 posted 2/7/2014 15:46 PM

Great quote "Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows".

This is so true for me. Everytime I feel that I am moving forward, I have a backwards slide and feel stuck. So happy to hear that you took that leap of faith and it is possible. You give me hope!

morethantrying posted 2/7/2014 20:31 PM

Yes, its funny, we have a really good day together and that seems to make me MORE apprehensive the next couple of days...I hate that anxiety feeling that follows the good day...I guess it is happening because I realize what is is I would lose again...or I worry that it will not continue...

I now think that these thoughts are probably normal, but I sure would feel better not to have them...I guess the trick is to acknowledge them and move on and live in the moment and let tomorrow take care of itself...hard to follow my own advice....

[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:31 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

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