I'm only 2 months from DDay and I just experienced a second DDay, after I found him and the OW were still secretly exchanging chat messages. I want to R (thought we were) but how do I escape this crazy obsessive feeling?
Even when we're together and he's not out of town for work, I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the need to check his phone. I NEVER used to touch his stuff, I ALWAYS completely and fully trusted him... I'm such an idiot!!
Once you feel secure it will stop.
Eventually we all hope that our desire and need to double check and triple check everything will subside but, our WS has to give us a reason to not need to check.
I have to add that I've been hiding from my WH exactly how much snooping I am doing right now. I've always given him so much space and freedom, I worry that if he sees how obsessive I am he'll dislike the person I've become. I'm trying really hard to be a more fun, outgoing person around him when all I feel inside is dark and shattered.
I feel like I was starting to relax a tiny bit, until he reached out and opened the lines of communication with her again!
I could have written your post. I'm guessing we are on similar timeframes and 2 ddays (at least). I feel the same way. obsessive. I have cut back some, but I can't let it go. Not yet. And I HATE what I have become. I used to never care, I trusted him blindly.
I'm trying to relax a little, tell myself I can't control him, only me. Give him some rope to let his true colors come through, OR change them and prove it. That is where I am trying to be patient and it's so hard, I fail often, but I wake up everyday and try to say, "I can do this". In the end I have the control over me and what happens. In the end, he has more to lose.
so easy to type, so hard to live it.
I am still looking and I feel guilty. But every time WBF says I can look at anything anytime, I feel ok about doing it. I feel it will eventually bother him but I said every time I don't find something I feel better.
You have just found something! So you need to do that for your own sanity. He has lied on top of lies!
(((KatieG))) - Indeed, lies on top of lies. I feel back at square one for sure, and kicked in the gut.
(((shatteredapart))) - Same same same, I used to exercise daily, eat healthy, listen to music, read... now all I feel I can do is hover over the computer and check where he is on gps all day. Then I just want to sleep and forget about my life, and have no urge to get out of bed in the morning except to see who he's been communicating with since! So pathetic. I hate that he has done this, not only because of the betrayal and the lying and the putting me at risk for std's, but that he had NO sense of what this would do to ME when I found out. The only thing I can say about such selfishness and total disregard is that he has major SA issues, just never ever thought it would come to this level.
I don't even want to go out or do things, even though I know it would be good for me. So many things are ruined for me. Music, I can make just about every song into something awful. A song that I think fits how I feel, I wonder if he hears it and would think of AP.
While I feel lost many times, I have to say this experience, though I wish it never happened and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it has opened my eyes. I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to grow myself.
I check our cell bill almost daily to see what's going on. My WS has totally killed my trust in her...
Stay Strong! And you are not crazy.
Hardship is a pathway to peace...
Tonight I found myself yearning and dreaming of the time I was blissfully naive and unaware. I caught myself (while speaking to him over the phone) in that space again, and it felt so good - first time I've felt good in a while. Moments later, I snapped out of it with the thought of him with other women, and I hated myself for being in that very same moment, sucked into a facade. And I truly wonder if he will ever be that man I *thought* I married. How will I truly know when he can so easily lie??
I know the answer is probably time, and his actions... But I guess I can't really imagine feeling anything else but hyper-vigilance and anxiety right now.