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Transparency / Obsessiveness

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alleyk posted 2/5/2014 21:59 PM

I feel like I am on constant alert, all I want to do when my WH is not by my side is check his email, phone, everything he has given me passwords and I have access to.

I'm only 2 months from DDay and I just experienced a second DDay, after I found him and the OW were still secretly exchanging chat messages. I want to R (thought we were) but how do I escape this crazy obsessive feeling?

Even when we're together and he's not out of town for work, I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the need to check his phone. I NEVER used to touch his stuff, I ALWAYS completely and fully trusted him... I'm such an idiot!!

simplydevastated posted 2/5/2014 22:07 PM

You're not an idiot, you're not crazy or obsessive. He lied and broke you're trust. You're doing what you need to do to feel feel safe.

Chrysalis123 posted 2/5/2014 22:09 PM

I disagree. You are not an idiot. You are a betrayed spouse that is now hyper-vigilant.....which is really common.

Once you feel secure it will stop.

FoggedIn posted 2/5/2014 22:35 PM

Right now you can feel not crazy to want to check check check!

Eventually we all hope that our desire and need to double check and triple check everything will subside but, our WS has to give us a reason to not need to check.

alleyk posted 2/5/2014 22:50 PM

Thank you for your responses, I really need this support right now and I am so thankful...!

I have to add that I've been hiding from my WH exactly how much snooping I am doing right now. I've always given him so much space and freedom, I worry that if he sees how obsessive I am he'll dislike the person I've become. I'm trying really hard to be a more fun, outgoing person around him when all I feel inside is dark and shattered.

I feel like I was starting to relax a tiny bit, until he reached out and opened the lines of communication with her again!

alifeforesaken posted 2/6/2014 08:03 AM


I could have written your post. I'm guessing we are on similar timeframes and 2 ddays (at least). I feel the same way. obsessive. I have cut back some, but I can't let it go. Not yet. And I HATE what I have become. I used to never care, I trusted him blindly.

I'm trying to relax a little, tell myself I can't control him, only me. Give him some rope to let his true colors come through, OR change them and prove it. That is where I am trying to be patient and it's so hard, I fail often, but I wake up everyday and try to say, "I can do this". In the end I have the control over me and what happens. In the end, he has more to lose.

so easy to type, so hard to live it.

KatieG posted 2/6/2014 08:49 AM

You're back to square one if you have found they are still in touch, so I'm not surprised you are still looking.

I am still looking and I feel guilty. But every time WBF says I can look at anything anytime, I feel ok about doing it. I feel it will eventually bother him but I said every time I don't find something I feel better.

You have just found something! So you need to do that for your own sanity. He has lied on top of lies!

shatteredapart posted 2/6/2014 10:57 AM

Like alifeforsaken I could've written this post. I had 2 days where I discovered they were in contact. I'm so much slower to believe now and am definitely hyper vigilant. I feel like I have OCD. If I'm not checking up on him I'm on here pouring over ever little post. I can't relax when he's not with me. I haven't finished a book since dday #1 and I use to be a voracious reader. I don't watch tv. I don't get put much. I'm making a promise to myself that next week I'm going to the gym again. I use to go 3-5 days a week while he was in the middle of the A. I hate doing anything I connect with that time. I need to start focusing the positive changes he's been making. He's far from perfect and still a little fogged in I think but his actions are loving and supportive. Pre-dday 3 his words said one thing and his actions another. Focus on getting out and let your mind engage in other things. Also turn down the volume and focus on his actions.

alleyk posted 2/6/2014 15:50 PM

(((alifeforesaken))) - You're right, we only have control over ourselves, not their actions. Maybe that's what has shaken me to the core. I used to feel so in control of our lives, and myself. Now I barely know who I see in the mirror, the whole identity I thought I had is gone. It's amazing how much I do not feel like myself, whoever that is now!

(((KatieG))) - Indeed, lies on top of lies. I feel back at square one for sure, and kicked in the gut.

(((shatteredapart))) - Same same same, I used to exercise daily, eat healthy, listen to music, read... now all I feel I can do is hover over the computer and check where he is on gps all day. Then I just want to sleep and forget about my life, and have no urge to get out of bed in the morning except to see who he's been communicating with since! So pathetic. I hate that he has done this, not only because of the betrayal and the lying and the putting me at risk for std's, but that he had NO sense of what this would do to ME when I found out. The only thing I can say about such selfishness and total disregard is that he has major SA issues, just never ever thought it would come to this level.

alifeforesaken posted 2/6/2014 18:04 PM

It really does consume you. Sometimes I stop and think, "what did I do with my time before I was obsessing over all this?" I have even caught myself absorbed in a show or movie and I think "whoa, I wasn't thinking of him and the A just then" and then I get instantly sad that I thought that.

I don't even want to go out or do things, even though I know it would be good for me. So many things are ruined for me. Music, I can make just about every song into something awful. A song that I think fits how I feel, I wonder if he hears it and would think of AP.

While I feel lost many times, I have to say this experience, though I wish it never happened and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it has opened my eyes. I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to grow myself.

Uhtred posted 2/6/2014 20:04 PM

You are not crazy and you're not an idiot. You keep checking until your satisfied. At this point he no longer has any privacy. He forfeited that the moment he betrayed you. You have the right to be informed with all things that relate to your well being and happiness. I'm sending you the best internet hug I can.

StillPositive posted 2/6/2014 20:12 PM

You're not crazy at all!!!!! The ultimate trust has been broken and you have every right to check... That feeling will come and go. Until he keeps his word, do what you must!

I check our cell bill almost daily to see what's going on. My WS has totally killed my trust in her...
Stay Strong! And you are not crazy.

alleyk posted 2/7/2014 00:51 AM

You guys! Thanks for the support... it is so good to know I am not crazy or alone going through this...

Tonight I found myself yearning and dreaming of the time I was blissfully naive and unaware. I caught myself (while speaking to him over the phone) in that space again, and it felt so good - first time I've felt good in a while. Moments later, I snapped out of it with the thought of him with other women, and I hated myself for being in that very same moment, sucked into a facade. And I truly wonder if he will ever be that man I *thought* I married. How will I truly know when he can so easily lie??

I know the answer is probably time, and his actions... But I guess I can't really imagine feeling anything else but hyper-vigilance and anxiety right now.

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