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kellys2014 posted 2/5/2014 22:03 PM

I don't understand his state of mind or mine.

He is remorseful, wants to die for the pain he's caused, blah, blah, blah. And he just wants to basically immediately reconcile and start working on our marriage. He'll do counseling and stuff. I'm going to take the wise advice on these boards and see if the remorse is consistent for a month, before I consider trying to reconcile.

He acts like I should trust him, right off the bat. A week ago you texted her your love and appreciation in response to a picture of her VAGINA and now I'm supposed to believe you that you have cut off contact and will never contact her again? It's totally over, and I'm ridiculous for thinking otherwise?

I couldn't get in touch with him today for 15 minutes and I started freaking out that they were making plans to get married. I thought about e-mailing her. Maybe she would listen to reason, even if he wouldn't. Of course, I didn't. I hate how this is making me into a crazy person. I am too strong for this. I need to focus on myself and my kids. Why is it so hard to do that over this pathetic excuse for a man?

I obviously need to detach. Detach. Detach. Detach detach detach detach. I'm should write it in sharpie on my arm so I don't forget.

I feel like one of those girls on the Bachelor, who gets so wrapped up in winning the man that she doesn't stop to consider if she even wants him. I don't really know if I want him, I'm just trying to save this. LET IT GO Kelly. Maybe it will come back. It doesn't matter if it does or doesn't. Let him go and find his own way back. Detach.

How do I detach exactly?

Anyway, I have the space to try. Every day since Saturday I've insisted he find alternative living arrangements. He has and he is there now. It felt great for an hour. Now it feels excruciating.

I need to reread the 180 and stop empathizing and communicating so much with him. I am more attached to him now than before I found out about the affair, seriously. Stupid empathy. I am spending too much time focused on HIM, clearly.

I get that, but how do I stop?

forwardfromhere posted 2/5/2014 22:11 PM

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Last night was my first night. This sounds awful, but let the pain come. Open yourhesrt to it. Sit in the dark with candles and cry. Read poetry or take a bubble bath or whatever soothing environment you can create for yourself as you cry. As soon as I let the pain come, it passes. The more I fight it the worse it is. Take good care of yourself and keep posting.

kellys2014 posted 2/5/2014 22:11 PM

I haven't been alone since I was 22. I'm almost 37.

kellys2014 posted 2/5/2014 22:16 PM

Oh man, that didn't occur to me. I have been trying to hard not to be upset. Maybe I should just get upset and then I'll feel better. Right now I feel like my entire chest cavity is empty. I'm super cold and a little jittery. I haven't been sleeping. For the first time in my adult life I'm not hungry.

Bright side, maybe I'll lose a few unwanted pounds.

I'm also going to have to accept the fact that kicking him out = lonely. I might need to get a dog.

iamsoblind42 posted 2/5/2014 22:38 PM

Hi Kelly,

I know exactly how you feel. When I kicked my WH out I knew I wanted him to leave but I also wanted the John Cusack from Say Anything guy out my bedroom window with a ghetto blaster begging me to forgive him. I wanted him to fight for me even though I am not sure I even want him. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR. Say it with me... I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR.For him just to leave and say he was sorry, blah, blah blah but not show he was sorry has been excruciating but every day gets easier. Sadly my appetite came back just a couple weeks later. I looked at that as a bright side too.

Try not to contact him at all for at least a few days and see how you feel. Keep posting here. You'll be able to read your posts back later and see how far you have come.

Jules1111 posted 2/5/2014 22:42 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place. I know exactly what you are speaking of (I lost 16 pounds immediately after dday). At first the lack of eating was a welcome diversion bc it was something I could control. But I knew it wasnt healthy. I got AD's from my doc which helped. I was sleeping a LOT. I also got a script for ant anxiety meds, which I used sparingly. But they did help. I think you need to feel your feelings, (as lame as that sounds) you have suffered a huge betrayal and trauma, its normal to freak out when you cant get in contact for 15 minutes. lol I did find that the 180 worked for me. Read up on it. It really helped me feel like less of a victim. I still have a problem not being the "fixer" and I realized (he came back 6 weeks to the day of dday wanting to work it out...but really hasnt showm much of a change)that I need to stop worrying about making everything copacetic for him, and focus on myself. IC is helping. Have you started that? I just recently realized that it is HIM who needs to prove himself an show the change. I can not "nice" him into wanting this marriage. I think that I wanted to "fix" things so badly that I was willing to overlook his actions and "settle". I FINALLY realized that is utter bullshit and I am worth more than that. It took a while, but it comes. I have found excellent advice (mostly as a lurker) on SI and it is what got me through the panic attacks an sobbing on the shower floor after DDay. Just know that you are worth it, and that you deserve the best. WS actions are not you r fault and its ok to be upset. Sorry if this doesnt make much sense. I am exhausted and have been reading a bunch of posts. I probably combined answers to about 5 here. lol.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/5/2014 22:59 PM

Just wanted to write you and let you know you are not alone.

It really does suck to have to be here, but the silver lining is that there are some amazing people on SI that can (and will) help you.

One thing to keep in mind (that helped me) is that it really can't get any worse. The pain you feel now is what it is. Yes, things will upset you, but really...whats worse than initially finding out he cheated? It's so shocking because you'd never expect it. But after that...anything else they do really isn't that shocking. At least for me it wasn't...

So let it out. It actually took me a really long time to shed any tears after DDAY. I'm not sure why, because I'm not someone who has trouble showing emotion. I think I was just in complete shock for a really long time.

Take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water. EAT! And get plenty of rest.

You are an amazing woman and you don't deserve to be treated any less.

Stay strong, not just for you, but for your kids.

I hope this makes some sense to you.

Sending you some strength tonight.

norabird posted 2/5/2014 23:04 PM

Detaching is not easy. You can do it, and it will help you so much, but don't beat yourself up for the feelings of love and vulnerability that will rise up. Just do your best. You already know that if you have to make him stay or do all the work to fight for your M, then it's better to let him go. Remember that and come here when you are lonely, or find a close friend you can turn to and confide in. You deserve someone who will fight for you and be with 100%. It's hard when you just want to make your WH be capable of those things and it's out of your control, but you are doing everything right by focusing on yourself right now and giving yourself time to watch his actions.

Getting to Happy posted 2/6/2014 01:14 AM

You are smart and strong. The right answer will come to you. Trust your gut.

And with that 'Batchelor' issue, I trust you will never do the 'Choose ME' thingy. UGH, how demeaning! You have an amazing sense of poise and self worth. Under pressure like betrayal, where one questions every move, this is a good thing.

Thinking of you and knowing that you will make the right choice. Hang in there sister.

(((((Kellys)))))

MrNotDealing posted 2/6/2014 01:29 AM

I had to deal with something similar in 2009 (and again last month). I made the mistake of separating and trying to keep my hooks in so I could feel like she was truly repentant. There is a combination of fear, loneliness, hurt and you have just lost your best friend. If your like me the knee jerk urge is to be back together because you don't want to let go of the ideal and the memories of how he once made you feel. Without these biological connections (a lot of it is brain chemistry) the human race wouldn't have survived and tribes/governments would never form. It's not just you, we are all programmed to have these feelings. However, you have to get far enough away to be objective. The old saying is the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. They do it once, they will do it again. I am living that reality. It takes a lot of objectify to decide if you want to roll the dice and potentially go through this again or start over.

Don't run off and experience some "revenge sex." it might be a temptation because you will want to feel desired--having that new lustful attention might be temporarily satisfying, but just know you might just walk away feeling much worse. This seems to be a mistake made by many of my friends.

Also, this might sound harsh, but I spent a lot of time self-reflecting on why I was attracted to someone that would do that to me. Was I really that bad a judge of character?

Find some safe people to go do things with. Think long and hard about sharing details with mutual friends. You may want the immediate support, but if you guys reconcile it might come back to bite you.

Best of luck--find some things you enjoy and do those things. It helps to rediscover part of who you lost (in yourself).

ShedSomeLight posted 2/6/2014 05:54 AM

(((Kellys))

I had to write and just say that you are going to be ok. My D Day was 7/31/13. I found out about the "A" from law enforcement because the "OW" stalked me for months. I got hundreds of blocked ID calls on my cell phone all hours of the day and night for months. My "H" had no idea it was her. I thought it was a crazy Candidate because I am a Recruiter and talk to hundreds of people a week. When her identity was revealed, my "H" confessed to this 2 1/2 year "A". I left for a few weeks. Yep.. I just left and he had no idea where I went. After a few days.. I finally answered one of his texts. I went to my best friends home in another state and her and her husband took care of me. As long as I have my computer, I can work anywhere, so I worked from their home. My emotions ran VERY high and I cried a lot. I barely ate anything for weeks and lost 20 pounds in less than 2 months, so be careful with not eating. I ended up getting VERY sick and run down. I had so many questions... and I finally went home a few weeks later to get answers. The last 6 months have been a hard journey. I decided I wanted to try and work things out and it has not been an easy process, but I am glad that we are working on it. We have been in therapy for 6 months now. {;ease remember that everything you are feeling is normal. PLEASE take care of yourself. Try to eat... go to your doctor and get something for anxiety and sleep. I promise that things will get better. (((Hugs to you)))

realitybites posted 2/6/2014 06:02 AM

First of all you did good. That was the right thing to do. You can't start healing until you get rid of the germs in the room.

Secondly allow yourself to mourn, I think many time a BS is just running around trying to fix things that they don't allow this to be the tragic moment that it is....think of it like a death. If he had died you would be crying, alone and trying to find a way to move on, and it takes time, it does not happen over night.

So your next thing to do is find a way to block or change your WS's ring tone or anything so that you are not waiting and watching on your phones. Don't open emails, and work on not responding to him unless it is about kids and finances.

Get your life back, thats what you will be working towards.

byefornow posted 2/6/2014 06:15 AM

After I kicked my WH out the day after I discovered the affair, my best friend sent me a card which just said "Believe" on the front and when you open the card it said "You are stronger than you realize".

I carried that card with me around the house for the first few weeks, and slowly I believed.

I also realized life is worth living for me, not him.

Be kind to yourself. Just try to breathe and settle your mind.

(((Hugs)))

jjct posted 2/6/2014 07:03 AM

How do you stop?
The same way you quiet the baby when you remove the pacifier - give them something else. In this case, give you - you!
Baby steps, baby...you can do it!
...might need to get a dog...lmao! (search: Border Collie Rescue :)

Poetry, candles, the bath...I'm coming over to your place!
Oh - here's a poem:

Puff, the magic dickvagina lived by the “C”(unt)
And bollocked in the autumn’s jizz in a land called EWW-EWW- WEE!,
Little dickhead scraper loved that rascal puff,
And brought him blings and stealing hax and other nasty stuff. oh

(Chorus)
Puff, the magic dickvagina lived by the “C”(unt)
And bollocked in the autumn’s jizz in a land called EWW-EWW- WEE!,
Puff, the magic dickvagina lived by the “C”(unt)
And bollocked in the autumn’s jizz in a land called EWW-EWW- WEE!,

Together they’d unravel in a moat with pillowed fail
dickhead kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail,
unNoble things and winces asked howcouldtheydothat? whenever they came,
Gyrate hips would lower their hagflag when puff roared out his name. oh!

(Chorus)

A dickvagina takes forever, so do little boys
Fainting clings and giant assrings make way for more annoys.
One grey night it happened, dickhead scraper came no more
And puff that flighty dickvagina, increased in fearful snore. (whatabore!)

His head was bent in sorrow, greendiseased scales fell like rain, (with pain)
Puff no longer went to play with popanother cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend and lurrrv, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dickvagina sadly slipped into his stupidcave. oh!

(Chorus)

I'll bring the wine...

ImEnoughForMe posted 2/6/2014 08:25 AM

Oh I've been where you are.

When my H finally left I had to sleep in a different room, in a different bed. Sometimes I'd fall asleep in the chair in the living room. It would hurt too much to sleep where we used to sleep.

As far as wanting to reach out and contact him, I knew his responses would not be anything that would be helpful to be, they'd be hurtful. Ask yourself if his responses will help you heal. I know it's hard when for so many years this was the one person in the world we counted on to always be there for us. It's hard accepting that person we knew isn't who we believed.

And when things get too much and you think you are stuck and aren't getting anywhere, stop and think of what you have done. Even if it doesn't seem like much, like getting through the first night alone. That's huge. It was hard. But you did it.

(((Hugs)))