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Returning member....hard to be back :(

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Nikkiflower posted 2/5/2014 23:07 PM

I first joined SI back in 2010 after I had found out my then BF had cheated and possible had OC from the physical affair. After a dramatic year we found out the OC was not his and worked to R. We ended up with our second child and things were ok, but still rocky after the affair and trying to return to normal wasn't always easy.

We had a second incident in late 2011 that resulted in our separation. He moved out and we worked on trying to work together parenting separately. During that time he continued a relationship with the 2nd women, but somehow managed to keep it from me. The women was ridiculous and went out of her way to make sure I knew she was his gf even calling me at work. He denied denied denied. It all eventually blew up in July 2012 when I caught her at his house and he was forced to stand there with the two of us. However she played the "less dramatic women" and instead acted like he was in the wrong and she "just wanted to hug me" and that we should try to work it out because of our was disgusting to see. After that they had a huge fallout (She happens to have a child with his first cousin and it didn't go well) and they quit talking to eachother. FB confirmed she had a new boyfriend and moved to a different city.

Fast forward to 2013...we had a great year...still living separately but had major focus on our kids and eachother. There were no signs of other women, and things were good. Of course during an issue with my BC we are now currently expecting another child. We also work together and overall are pretty involved in each other's lives even past a relationship.

A couple weeks ago while looking at a picture he had tagged me in on FB I noticed she had liked the picture.....instantly freaked...clicked on her profile (which I hadn't looked at in a long time) and it was now private, except for 1 post...from Oct. 1 month after we had found out we were pregnant again...and it said the following; "You expect me to wait for you and your expecting baby #3 by someone else?! After you told me you loved me and wanted to make me your wife?" It was then followed by a bunch of crap about moving on and being a strong women...gag...

Of course I called him immediately. ..He hadn't seen the post, his explanation was he had talked to her when she called him back then, he told her about my pregnancy, she got pissed and posted that. He says he hasn't talked to her since...of course I call major bullshit and since then have had a HUGE amount of anxiety about what the hell to do.

I guess I just had to get out this story because I haven't told anyone what's going on and it's kind of just eating me alive. I have thought about returning to counseling, but at this point don't even feel like that will help. I feel like I have given him plenty of chances to do right by me, and feel like he is just incapable of doing so...any positive words would help at this confusing time :(

norabird posted 2/5/2014 23:19 PM

I'm so sorry you are here again. I am not sure how many positives there are to find in the behavior of your BF--he has proved again to not be reliable and has hurt you and your family very badly as a result. It sounds as if he is not going to change and if you can accept that and decide how you want to proceed based on that knowledge you can eventually get some distance from him.

I hate to sound so negative but it doesn't mean that you aren't going to get through this difficult patch, with or without him. And if you can detach and unravel your involvement with him, it will open up a lot of space in your life for a healthier relationship. You are still so young and you have a whole future waiting for you.

kalimata posted 2/6/2014 07:23 AM

You mention that he is your "BF". Does this mean you are not married to him?

If you are not married to him, it will be more difficult to lift him out of the fog.

If you are married, then I would go see a lawyer and have divorce papers served to him. That will wake him up VERY QUICKLY.

solus sto posted 2/6/2014 07:41 AM

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but WHAT, exactly, is this man bringing to your life, that makes him worth the unceasing pain he inflicts?

Why do you not believe yourself to be worth more than what he is giving?

(And kids are not a good reason to accept the unacceptable.)

Althea posted 2/6/2014 08:01 AM

I'm so sorry Nikki. You're right, you have given him a lot of chances; and you have worked so hard to do right by your kids. From where I'm standing, you have worked and worked, and he has cheated. Repeatedly. I don't think you were wrong to work on co-parenting your kids, by the way. He will always be in their lives, and eventually you will have to do that; and if you can treat each other with kindness and respect, your children will only benefit from that. Here comes the but, and it is a big one...

BUT, he is treating you with anything but respect right now; and you're right, there is absolutely no point to marriage counseling right now. Here is what I suggest.

1. Kick him out.
2. Enroll in individual counseling. You have so much to process here. Pregnancy is such a vulnerable time.
3. Tell him you will not even consider speaking to him unless or until he enrolls in individual counseling.
4. 180. Don't talk to him about anything but visitation and/or finances and then only briefly. All business. No talk of "us."
5. Get strong. Get to the point where you will be ok whether he stays or goes. Make a plan so that you know exactly how you will support yourself and your children. Figure out how much child support he owes you, and make him pay it. If he refuses to do so, get an order in place.

You don't have to make any final decisions right away, but this man has proven he is not safe. If you jump back into working on your relationship, you can be sure this will happen again. It is time to change your strategy.

I'm so sorry Nikki. This is coming from someone who has been exactly where you are. Only I didn't have the benefit of knowing he had cheated on me in the first two pregnancies. This guy has shown you who is is. It is up to you to decide what you are going to do with that information. Hugs.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/6/2014 08:19 AM

I'm sorry you're back, Nikkiflower.

I agree with Solus Sto. I'm curious as to why you keep giving this man chance after chance after chance and you keep having babies with him when he's proven himself to be nothing more than a lying cheater whose NEVER done right by you?

I know you asked for something positive, but I honestly can't say one positive thing about this man or a successful future with him. He's shown you many times exactly what he is, Nikkiflower. You need to believe someone when they show you who they are. Just the fact that you're living apart and raising all the kids you both have together - while he lives alone with NO responsibility for their daily care (and I would highly suspect very little responisbility toward their financial care, as well) is just a huge red flag.

As Solus Sto stated in her post, I too would have to ask what this man could possibly be adding to your life that's positive? Other than fathering children that he doesn't want to be responsible for on a daily basis, I'm just stumped at this point. You said yourself he hasn't ever done right by you, and I agree 110%.

I honestly think you need to start getting your ducks in a row and moving forward in a healthier, more positive direction. If this man hasn't been court-ordered to pay child support, you also need to get down to the courthouse and START that going. Just because he isn't mature enough to be a father doesn't mean the law can't make him SUPPORT the children he keeps having.

Good luck to you. I really hope a year from now, you're in a much better place.

annb posted 2/6/2014 09:13 AM

Nikki, I am sorry you find yoursel back here. You are pregnant, and dealing with his repeated infidelities must be heartwrenching.

...but I have to agree with the others, he has shown you over and over who he is. He is not a responsible, mature, adult, he is a philandering child.

Please meet with an attorney to protect your children financially.

You and your children deserve SOOOO much more. He is toxic, and IMO you need to get yourself into individual counseling to help you understand why you would accept such behavior as a way of life.


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