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Today is not a hopeful day

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iwillNOT posted 2/5/2014 23:48 PM

Down today.

WH and I are attempting R. I have many hopeful days. Today is not one of them.
Backstory - I knew from an early age that my father was a cheater. Heard arguments, read letters, learned stuff no child should ever have to process. He was very emotionally abusive and controlling to my mother. Eventually he left her, thoroughly broken, and married one of his OW.

Fast forward, he continued his cheating and eventually his new wife divorced him. Lots of drama. A year later they remarried, now I discover he is doing the same old thing. Shows signs of ever- escalating behavior over time. I really believe he is a sex addict and sick sick sick.

It's always been a difficult thing to deal with, knowing this is who my father is. It has shaped me. It has shaped my attitudes about men, relationships, life. Now I am dealing with my very own WH. The 2 most important men in my life, both capable of this. I feel so abandoned and sad.

My stepmother told me she can't believe she remarried him and bought his b.s. about being changed, etc. she feels like she wasted another 6 years of her life only to be kicked in the teeth and have even more pain than before.

Really makes me wonder if that is where I will be, years down the road. Makes me feel like all men are going to cheat, sooner or later. Like all men are cheaters. In my mind I know it's not true, but my heart has no hope today.

Lowlow posted 2/6/2014 01:10 AM

I'm in a similar sitch. My dad cheated for years and finally left my mom for OW--dont know what number she is---after they had been "married" for 23 years (in quotes because it was legal,but i do know he started cheating on her very early in their marriage). He's still with this particular OW but has repeatedly cheated on her too. Now, 19 years later, my mom still suffers.

And my WH knew this.... but still developed and carried on his own A for 18 months. Believe me, I know the deep betrayal you've experienced. As a result, I'm not sure I can ever forgive my dad, which makes contemplating forgiving WS even more difficult. One thing I hold onto is the fact WS's A and my Dad's As have absolutely nothing to do with me. The same goes for you. BSs do not cause affairs. The brokenness and poor choices of our spouses cause the affairs. We are just the innocent bystanders. Sadly for us, we've witnessed and felt the trauma as children. This brings forward the painful memories and experiences of our pasts. For me, my WSs A has made me "unforgive" my dad, probably for good. I know he didn't do this to me, but it makes me feel so bad. My IC has told me it is ok to hate my dad. I'm going with that.

But I also know there are many many faithful and honest men out there. Some are here and hurting too. Some have dads and moms who have cheated too. This inter generational transfer of A behaviour makes me lose faith in humanity. Makes me lose trust in everyone..... But then I read the stories of pain and suffering of our fellow SIers and know I'm not alone. And neither are you. There are good people out there. Many are here and suffering along with you. Let us comfort you.

alleyk posted 2/6/2014 01:24 AM

IwillNOT and Lowlow -

Do you think that men like your fathers could ever be truly faithful?

It makes me wonder about my own WH...

Lowlow posted 2/6/2014 01:34 AM

My dad has never been faithful. That is a fact. He's never sought help nor cares to get help.

The same cannot be said for my WS, at least not with the info I currently have. Unlike my father, WS is in IC and we are in MC. My WS is showing great remorse and his words are backed by his actions.

And, because I am in a different emotional place than my mom and I am in IC, I feel I have a stronger sense of self worth and that if WS ever strays again, I will have the courage and strength and financial means to leave. And I will.

But at this moment, I have nothing that leads me to believe that my WS is cheating. I will not torture myself for the what ifs because that's not a healthy way to R, KWIM?

alleyk posted 2/6/2014 01:40 AM

I guess that's what I am trying to determine with my WH... Anytime I have confronted him with the issues (previously it was porn, then Dday 1 and 2), he breaks down and says he needs therapy, and references his childhood trauma. But once the intensity and gravity subsides, he seems reluctant to do any therapy. He won't seek it out on his own, its really up to me to make it happen (which I have been trying to secure a good therapist). When I do I know he will go, but I do want it to be on his own accord. Don't think he would though.

Lowlow posted 2/6/2014 01:51 AM

Things were so fucked up at my house during the height of WS's affair, I made him go to IC. I even made him meet my IC. He lied to me for another 9 months before coming clean about his A. He did tell his IC about his A at the time of his first meeting... So another 9 months of lies.

And really, his head didn't come fully out of his ass until Oct, 8 months after DD. it may have been the fact that he witnessed me in a traumatic bike vs car accident that finally did accident from which I'm sill recovering from today!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the process of coming clean and making actions to fit his words took months. I waited partly because I was in shock, but also because of sage advice I was given here... That we ought to wait 6 to 12 months before deciding anything. It's been hell, but I think 12 months later) that we are finally on the right teak. My WS has lots of self repair work remaining. Our MC says WS is one of his most challenging patients. But I see the work and the improvements. So for now, I'm willing to stay. That does not mean I put up with any bullshit though.

Eta I don't suggest getting into an accident as a good method for extracting WS's head from ass. I think time and patience on my part would have been a far less painful method that would have given the same results!

[This message edited by Lowlow at 1:54 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

alleyk posted 2/6/2014 02:03 AM

Oh my, I am sorry to hear about your accident and hope you're recovering!!

I am sorta glad to hear (though it must have been extremely painful) that it took 8-9-12 months to see your WS come clean and have actions meet words. A lot of people wanted me to cut and run straight away. But although there have been set backs, I do see effort and improvement. That has to count for something, especially for such a damaged individual.

Lowlow posted 2/6/2014 02:19 AM

I must say that it tested my patience and I constantly questioned my decision not to make a decision. But that's ok. I'm still here and although we still have our bad days and I still obsess about his A, I'm hanging in there.

TJ: im going back to bed, so sorry to sign off. I need some sleep and morning will come early! I see my surgeon tomorrow morning for X-rays and removal of dozens of staples from my latest surgery. Hopefully the itches will subside! Nighty night Alleyk!

iwillNOT posted 2/6/2014 18:37 PM

Low low - I am sorry for your sake that you can relate, but for my own sake, it's nice to hear from someone who knows. My WH knew exactly what a number my father's actions did on me, yet he still chose to cheat. More than once. It's just one more layer of pain and betrayal.

I've got lots of reasons to be angry at my father. One that I have been thinking about today, is that I feel that his example of how a father/ husband acts set me up to choose a man with the seeds of cheating behavior in him. So many of my choices in life have been made trying to NOT be like my parents. Here I am anyway.

iwillNOT posted 2/6/2014 18:48 PM

Alleyk - I do not feel like my father can be faithful. At this point, in his late 60's, he has sunk so far and been doing it so long , I can't imagine it. I doubt he would ever want to change. He pretty much does as he likes and to he** with anyone else! he has always been like that.

My WH is doing the work, we are on the right track, moving forward. This new drama with my dad just casts a pall on everything, and makes the affair that much harder to deal with. Somewhere inside me that innocent little girl crying and hiding in the bottom of a sleeping bag b/c the daddy she worships is gone again still exists, and her pain has never healed. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive my dad. Or my WH.

However...I will not tolerate any more cheating/ mistreating, ever. I will stand up and take hold of my marriage and give it my best shot. And I will keep trying to find a way to let go of the old pain and the new.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 6:48 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

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