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Does HB inhibit R?

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AlmostSpeechless posted 2/6/2014 04:01 AM

First off, Thank Goodness for SI!
I didn't know what HB was, and thought I was going nuts.
The only problem is that I have HB days, sad days, angry days and numb days. This seems to confuse my fWH, and his response to my emotions is still defensive and self-serving. It confuses me, too, because I truly thought I would never want to be touched by him, yet here we are. Mind-movies still pop up and triggers galore show up daily.
I still need details and he can't or won't give them to me.
He gets angry and frustrated. He has so much guilt and wears it on his sleeve. This pisses me off. Maybe I am wrong, idk.
I think he should reaffirm his devotion and desire to R, NOT get mad and ask me if I want a divorce. I consider that to be passive aggressive button-pushing. We both have abandonment issues, but I'm not the one that cheated.
So, should I rein in my HB urges and see if that helps him grasp the seriousness of how hurt I truly am?

steadfast1973 posted 2/6/2014 05:28 AM

HB was helpful for me.

Sounds like he is using your conflict avoidance to get you to shut up. He is not owning it. He's rug sweeping. You are right, he should be focused on R, not half assed threatening divorce every time you are in pain. HB is not what's hindering your R. It's a lack of remorse. He has no idea how bad it hurt you, because he can't see past his own at being caught.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:36 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

deena04 posted 2/6/2014 06:43 AM

HB helped me work through something, not sure what. I thought I was nuts, too, but it made me feel closer to him or like we could go on. I have definite days of giving up, but am just working it out. Bottom line: think it's normal and watch his actions to see what to do next.

AlmostSpeechless posted 2/6/2014 07:24 AM

Thank you both!
Yes, I see rugsweeping and conflict avoidance.
I think he really thought there would be no R.
When he confessed it came out of nowhere, because someone else was going to tell me and he panicked.
Everyone who knew before me thought I'd dump him.
There was no EA at all, so I don't think he sees what he did as an actual affair. It wasn't even "sex" as Bill Clinton would say.

I don't want to vent in here, so...

tushnurse posted 2/6/2014 09:01 AM

HB does not inhibit R in a remorseful spouse, but it sounds with his anger and frustration, and threats of D,(yes asking you if you want to D is a backwards threat)tells me he doesn't get it yet, and is not remorseful.

True remorse is not met with anger, self-defense, and refusal of transparency.

I would strongly recommend you re read 180 info, and clearly lay out what your expecations are, and the consequences, and the next time he gets angry go 180. Protect yourself.

If you continue to work on R with his state of mind being what it is, he is not going to do the hard work of figuring out his why, and healing himself. That has to happen, or you are a much higher risk of a repeat performance in a year, or two or ten.

AlmostSpeechless posted 2/6/2014 10:25 AM

^This is exactly how I feel.
I wish I had known about 180 5 months ago.
I feel I allowed a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and now it's too late.

HardenMyHeart posted 2/6/2014 11:11 AM

I believe HB helps R by reestablishing a connection. It may be a more physical connection, but it's a start.

I suggest you read to your WH exactly what you originally wrote on this thread. Sounds like good topics for discussion and improving understanding for both of you.

In addition to the physical intimacy, R is the place to reconnect with emotional intimacy as well. Explain how you are feeling and what are your expectations. As you discuss, expect some give and take, but don't let things get too heated. If someone gets too angry, pick it up later. It's also ok to set time limits on these discussions as they can get very intense.

Rebreather posted 2/6/2014 11:18 AM

I feel I allowed a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and now it's too late.

It's never too late. You control your recovery, not the wayward.

obliquestrat posted 2/6/2014 14:01 PM

I simultaneously think that HB saved our marriage (so far), yet is making it harder for her to "get it" 100%.

AlmostSpeechless posted 2/6/2014 17:34 PM

Part of me believes that doing the 180 might have caused us to D right away, but if we end up not R down the road, I've just added more pain because of HB. I'm going to write out my requirements and goals and let him have time to assess his ability to accept them. I am still too emotional when we talk and he still puts his defenses up.

Calli0pe posted 2/6/2014 17:54 PM

I think HB has been a big help to our R.

I also want to recommend this book (to everyone, basically) - it really seemed to help my WH "get it." I felt like his attitude took a drastic changed for the better pretty much right away. Bonus: it's also cheap, a short & easy read, and available immediately for download.

(I swear I don't work for Amazon )

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