Sounds like he is using your conflict avoidance to get you to shut up. He is not owning it. He's rug sweeping. You are right, he should be focused on R, not half assed threatening divorce every time you are in pain. HB is not what's hindering your R. It's a lack of remorse. He has no idea how bad it hurt you, because he can't see past his own at being caught.
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:36 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]
True remorse is not met with anger, self-defense, and refusal of transparency.
I would strongly recommend you re read 180 info, and clearly lay out what your expecations are, and the consequences, and the next time he gets angry go 180. Protect yourself.
If you continue to work on R with his state of mind being what it is, he is not going to do the hard work of figuring out his why, and healing himself. That has to happen, or you are a much higher risk of a repeat performance in a year, or two or ten.
I suggest you read to your WH exactly what you originally wrote on this thread. Sounds like good topics for discussion and improving understanding for both of you.
In addition to the physical intimacy, R is the place to reconnect with emotional intimacy as well. Explain how you are feeling and what are your expectations. As you discuss, expect some give and take, but don't let things get too heated. If someone gets too angry, pick it up later. It's also ok to set time limits on these discussions as they can get very intense.
I feel I allowed a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and now it's too late.
It's never too late. You control your recovery, not the wayward.
I also want to recommend this book (to everyone, basically) - it really seemed to help my WH "get it." I felt like his attitude took a drastic changed for the better pretty much right away. Bonus: it's also cheap, a short & easy read, and available immediately for download.
(I swear I don't work for Amazon )