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Blow up of blow ups!!!

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msmaggiemags posted 2/6/2014 08:00 AM

Sorry need to vent this..well after a seemingly normal few months I blew up at him. Why? Well, he has been doing everything right, helping more with kids, housework, working, coming home and staying home, unlocked phone, affectionate, giving positive affirmation etc. But I don't know something is still just eating me alive. I think back to all of the pictures I saw, this last time and it just PISSES me off!! When I asked him why he did this, "well, I wasn't very happy at the time", so pictures are going to fix your happiness?? The last time he talked to OW was in October, and I can prove that. But my fear is still will he? There will come a time when he is "not" happy with me again. And what happens then? He still has her and the other OW contact in his phone but I have access to the records. I asked him where he was working today and he told me, and said why??? Well, my prior intention was to have papers served to him today. I am sick of feeling like this. Sick of thinking about this. I HATE THIS! But then I got mad and just slammed him, told he was a lying, cheating, no good piece and that if he wants pictures of pu%$y and ti*s then he can have all he wants and I will give him what he has always obviously wanted a D. And he just started crying and said "I told you I am sorry" "I don't know what else I can do". He is doing everything I have asked him to except IC. I feel bad now and so he said when he left I guess when I come home and you are not here I will know. Part of me really wants to not be here to make him think some more about why he does this shit, but then part of me thinks I have to try and move forward because he is doing his best. He did tell me he is sick of "these" conversations and that I am making his head hurt as I am screaming at him, and that he would like to at the time "shoot" himself. Any advice as to how to move past this stage? I am to the point that I am almost numb and I just don't want to feel anymore.

steadfast1973 posted 2/6/2014 08:15 AM

Why are they still contacts in his phone?

itainteasy posted 2/6/2014 08:16 AM

"not happy" is not a reason to cheat.

I would be angry, as well, if that's all the digging he's done to figure out why he'd blow up his life, marriage and his wife's heart.


Is marriage counseling an option for you two? Or IC for both of you?

msmaggiemags posted 2/6/2014 08:44 AM

I have no idea why the contacts are still in his phone. because he is an idiot. he said "well, what am I supposed to do if she contacts me?" I said block her fu$#in number!!! I am in IC, he is not. We are not in MC, tried that before didn't help. I quit, I give up! I just want my life back!!

Pass posted 2/6/2014 08:45 AM

It sounds like he's part way there, but why isn't he doing IC. "Not happy" is a bullshit reason. He may think that's the reason he cheated, but there is more. He needs to go to IC and figure out what that is.

Once he's done that, maybe you'll be able to feel more secure.

msmaggiemags posted 2/6/2014 09:08 AM

Yep, "not happy" is a bullshit reason!And he won't go to IC because he claims he can stop on his own. Which I think is crap because there are tons of women/men who will throw themselves out there even to a M person. I am just not feeling good about this day.

7yrsflushed posted 2/6/2014 09:19 AM

He isn't all in. The fact that he refuses to go to IC is a problem.

And he just started crying and said "I told you I am sorry" "I don't know what else I can do".
The word clueless comes to mind here. I mean come on really WH, what more can he do, how about going to IC like your BW requested!!! Maybe the IC can help him pull his head out of his ass.

He's not pulling in the same direction as you. He still thinks he can do this his way but his way won't work. His coping skill are broken or nonexistant. Think about it. When he wasn't happy before (bullshit excuse by the way) his broken coping skills led him to have an A. What has he done to put some new skills in place since then, nothing, and he expects to just work this out himself. This isn't a 2X4 but I agree with your assessment. He doesn't get it especially since he still has names and contacts in his phone. NC means NC and having names in your phone isn't conducive to NC. I wish you the best msmags. The shitstorm ends when you say it does. 180 and focus on you.

Undefinabl3 posted 2/6/2014 09:25 AM

He still has her and the other OW contact in his phone but I have access to the records.

First, this is bullshit. He needs to get rid of that because you have no idea if he's calling from a landline somewhere using the number in that phone. It needs to be gone and BLOCKED.

Yep, "not happy" is a bullshit reason!And he won't go to IC because he claims he can stop on his own.

I agree and disagree. This feeling of not happy is the start. He needs to figure out 1. why he was unhappy and 2. why he felt that his happiness was more important then your feelings and trust.

That will open it up to go further - bounderies, FOO stuff, ect.

He MUST go to IC for this stuff. If he is still stuck on 'i was not happy' then he CAN'T do this on his own....

Honestly, if you are ready to have him served, then I would suggest that you draw your line - IC or done - because in the end, unless you want to stay in limbo with a broken WS, then its the truth...

Its either IC or you are done.


gotmylifeback posted 2/6/2014 09:36 AM

Still having the OW's contact information is his phone is inexcusable. No reason to have it. Period. It does not sound like he is working on his true "why's" of his actions. Being unhappy is not a real reason. And not seeing an IC because he can do it on his own sounds like trouble. He has been doing things on his own which has led to a couple of ddays for you. You have every reason to feel upset.

So, he wont go to IC and still has contact information. What are you willing to put up with? Have you given him an ultimatum or a time limit? You were already looking at having him served.


You said you just want your life back. Time to take it back.

norabird posted 2/6/2014 10:29 AM

What is eating you alive is probably his refusal to do IC and his pity party over 'still' having to talk about this. That = not actually doing everything right, even if he's doing better.

I'm sorry he's not giving you what you need.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/6/2014 10:43 AM

Maggie, he doesn't sound too remorseful at all, to be honest. Anyone who STILL has the contact information of his OW in his phone is just blatantly giving you a big "FU."

Secondly, it would appear he's doing pretty much NOTHING in the way of trying to get a better understanding of himself and his actions by either going to IC or MC with you.

Lastly, it really sucks, but having access to cell records really doesn't mean a whole lot, anymore. If your husband has a smart phone/droid or an iPhone, there are tons of apps that allow people to communicate with each other (chatting, texting, sending videos, video conferencing, etc. etc. etc.) rather than going through the usual channels such as regular old phone calls and texting, etc. These apps don't leave any detailed information on your cell phone bill like calls and texts would - their use just counts toward your data useage and that's about it.

Williesmom posted 2/6/2014 10:44 AM

You are not in charge of his happy. Repeat that to yourself.

phoenixrise posted 2/6/2014 11:24 AM

I feel like im in the same place...I asked IC of my wayward too and he said he would 1 month ago but hasn't he says he knows why he did it. It makes sense that he needs it I agree with the broken coping skills. I have fears too of him being unhappy and doing it again the anxiety kills me inside. I would print out all the phone records and keep them in a safe place...then I would throw a fit and erase her number from his phone myself. Could it be he is waiting for her to reach out and he would feel a sense of happiness/ ego stroke that she is thinking of him in someway even if he doesn't answer...or could he still be in contact with her? Thats a huge roadblock. When I had big blow up mine would say the same " I have to be honest Im getting kind of tired of all this" its not a fair thing to say if they are not willing to put the work in to piecing together what they have broke it says something. I am going to bring it up at MC again...the whole IC thing and my fears of his lack of coping skills...I would bring up IC with him once more and see what he does about it...then just sit back and judge him by his actions...the positives are at least he started crying when you told him those things it takes alot for a man to cry and also you say he is doing everything right and so his heart is in the right place. I would take it as a sign he is remorseful...the you are making my head hurt thing...if they only knew how much they make OUR head hurt they couldn't stand it for a second!

msmaggiemags posted 2/6/2014 20:24 PM

Well, he came home from work. No hi, nothing. Got his dinner sat down, ate. Told me he's going hunting on Saturday And I said thank you for respecting me enough to ask.I told him I understand he's mad about previous conversation but that his poor.choices caused the conversation. I left a list of ultimatiums and told him to read them. That once he does he can give me his answers to the things listed. If he chooses no IC then I am done. So very done. Now I am going to bed because I feel borderline depressed and sometimes its easier to just sleep it off. I just don't care anymore tonight!

ChloeandPrimo posted 2/6/2014 22:20 PM

Msmaggiemags, if he won't to IC and MC, he's not committed to healing this marriage. My MC said that it is HIS job to figure out how to make me feel safe. She said I can contribute ideas, but in the end he has to figure out how. If my WH wasn't doing IC and MC, I couldn't continue. He's even going to spend thousands of dollars to go to an intensive counseling seminar. He has a long way to go and he's pissed me off plenty even while we have been in counseling, but MC says he's learning, and I do see he's putting in effort. He has an arrogance problem that he is just now recognizing through counseling. Press the counseling. You need, he needs it and you both need IC. Good luck

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