"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

bionicgal posted 2/6/2014 08:43 AM

On FB. . .I literally went to the AP's page (after fighting the urge to check for quite a while) to block her, because she has re-friended half of our mutual friends, and I am trying to minimize my desire to focus on her, and to continue healing my marriage.

Lo and behold, for public view (I did de-friend her after dday) she has a long quotation about how we all have broken hearts, and "everything beautiful begins with a broken heart." I can't find a way to look at this that isn't offensive, hurtful or downright pathological. (Is she saying her heart is broken? Is she talking about the OBS? (seems doubtful) or, and this would be so inappropriate, sending me a message?)

She had given up all local FB ties a few months back in a supposed attempt to be more present in her life (which has obviously failed) and now I feel like she is just sniffing around the edges of my life.

So, I can block her, although that doesn't do much, really. It won't keep me from seeing her posts on my friend's walls, and I hate to give up facebook altogether. I also have this sense that if I either block her or give up FB I am going to miss seeing something I need to see -- so it is some kind of safety thing. Of course, it is a false sense of safety because she was posting updates about the affair with my H when I didn't even know what she was talking about. Ugh. Hate this.

I am just looking for perspective, I guess.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:32 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 2/6/2014 08:59 AM

It won't keep me from seeing her posts on my friend's walls,

I'm confused. I have had MOW blocked for the past 4 years, and I can not see her posts on any mutual friends walls. She just doesn't show up anywhere. The only time there has been an issue was with a new account she created for a MLM business, that was linked to different email. I added that email address and poof she was gone again.

Unless something has changed, blocking should cause her to poof into oblivion.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/6/2014 08:59 AM

I cannot offer advice here, just to share that I understand your struggle as I have the same. My husband's OW has been posting quotes about sou mates, fighting through the fear to live the life you were meant to live, thoughts on not staying together for the sake of the kids, finding your courage to be true to yourself and true love always finds it's way back teach other, etc. She even posted an old prom picture and posted All of me, the John legend song with my husband's initial and her initial with a heart in between them. I COMPLETELY relate to the need to look in case there is something "I need to see," but I am not sure that is the healthiest thing for us to be doing as it takes the focus off of our M and onto the AP. UGH! This journey REALLY is so complicated and difficult, isn't it? I am so sorry that you are struggling with this too. It takes up much needed energy that could be used in a productive and healthy way. But it is so hard, I am right there with you

bionicgal posted 2/6/2014 09:04 AM

Refuz--
Really? I couldn't see her at all on friend's walls if I blocked her? Would she be able to see my posts on friend's walls? I try not to post on anything she has posted on or "liked." This would be awesome news. (Although, like "never," it is hard to give up the access when I want it.)

Neverwud - should we hold hands and do it together? Try it for a couple of weeks, and then unblock if it makes us less happy?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:05 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 2/6/2014 09:12 AM

Really? I couldn't see her at all on friend's walls? Would she be able to see my posts?

Honest to goodness, it's true,!!! And she can't see anything of mine, unless she were to get creative and ask a mutual friend to show her their page. However I have my privacy settings well limited and I also post certain things for certain audience lists. It takes some time to initially set it up, but I think it was well worth it. She would have to go to great lengths to see anything of mine.

I even took the initiative to block all of her husbands and family email addresses I could glean from old emails.

I promise that the longer you go without seeing her or any evidence of her on FB the easier it gets! It really was one of the few smart things I did!

There is no need for you to leave FB because of her!

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 9:12 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/6/2014 09:18 AM

Oh, I would like to think I can do it: I am so nervous to give up that access. What is that about? I trust my husband with regard to NC at this time. I finally see that he does not love her. But for some reason, I feel like I need to monitor her state of mind. IF she hasn't posted, I get a sense of relief that there is no message meant for my husband. Maybe she is giving up? then BOOM! She posts something clearly meant for him and the wind is knocked out of my sails once again. I know it is not healthy, but panic just thinking about going a couple of weeks without looking. Do you really think we can do it?

bionicgal posted 2/6/2014 09:29 AM

Neverwud-
Well, my AP isn't as bold as yours -- her stuff is more veiled, like this broken heart thing. Is the OW in your case married? I think this may be why mine is more subdued.

But, during the affair, she posted about a day being the "worst possible day of her life," and that is when my H tried to break it off with her. She was my friend, so I literally stopped by her house to see if she was ok! (She wasn't home.)

But "monitor her state of mind. . " -- I get it, I totally do. But, honestly, what are we getting? What they WANT us to see. Not reality. But I get it, it is so scary to think about giving up that access. I asked my H last night: "Are you reliable? Because if you aren't I want you in IC. And if you are, I want to dump her off of FB!"

Let's at least pinky-swear to think hard about doing it, Neverwud. I am further along than you since dday I think, so I don't want to push.

Refuz - You may have given me the push I need. I am going to talk about it at MC today. . .

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/6/2014 09:55 AM

Wow! That is such a double hurt; you were going there to show her compassion and support for her "Bad day"… I am so sorry for that!
No, our OW is not married. and I think she feels like she has nothing to lose. I do worry that people will figure it out the more bold she gets, unless she won't go past the line she has reached so far. She has a business in our town so that may keep her somewhat in check. My children don't know and neither does hers. Hope she won't give it away.
I am going to IC in a hour. I plan to talk about it. She will say to try my best even though it is so normal to stop looking. I will let you know how bolstered up I get from that session. Just maybe…...

SorrowBhindSmile posted 2/6/2014 10:19 AM

do it. block her. for 6 months after DDay, i had OW unfriended, but not blocked. so i was still able to see stuff she posted, or stuff posted to mutual friends walls. I was looking for remorse, sadness, some sort of subliminal hidden messages or regret...who knows. But it was destructive and unhealthy for me. every post, every picture was a new hurt, a new betrayal, a new sadness for me.

I had to work it out in my own way and in my own time....but i did decide to block her. It was THE BEST thing i did for myself.

In my situation, because OW and i had the same circle of friends who all knew about the A, I took it one step further, and removed all mutual friends. Any one who was a friend of hers was CLEARLY no friend of mine. Its all about creating a safe place for me to heal. I didn't want to give up facebook, but i also didnt want the stress of worrying about OW seeing my stuff, or worrying about what i can/cant post. So i removed and blocked mutual friends. I made it a safe place for me, and now i can go there freely and not worry. Like refuz did...i also went in and customized settings, checked the privacy on all my photos and all that good stuff. Time consuming, but worth it.

hugs to you!

SpotlessMind posted 2/6/2014 10:34 AM

Refuz is correct--if you block her, she can't get to your page at all, and none of her posts will appear in your feed. I think blocking would be a great idea to lower your daily dose of OW angst. You can always check her feed from a friend's account if you start to feel twitchy ( or even unblock and re-block, I imagine?)

I know this bc I blocked a friend's husband for continually posting aggravating crap on my wall. Yeah, I'm THAT girl--and I'm totally okay with it.

I also know about blocking bc after WH sent an NC letter to his LTA OW and made a public declaration of his dedication to me on FB, she changed her name and then blocked US. It was a particular kind of evil, bc it meant that we couldn't block her and thus remove the comments she'd been posting on husband's photos for the past year + (selfies, his family...our KIDS. Ugh.) in one fell swoop. They have to be deleted, one by one. It's like sifting through a mine field...

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 10:35 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Rebreather posted 2/6/2014 10:51 AM

Yup, if you block her she won't see a think of yours and vice versa. The only think you have to remember is if a post says it has 7 comments and you only see 6, not to think FB is broken. lol

I think you really need to ask yourself you this access is giving you. A peek at her misery? A cheat to see if your spouse is in contact again? See if you can truly identify your motivation, and then see if there is a better route to accomplish that goal.

(also, you can always unblock her to stalk, then reblock. Just sayin)

AML04 posted 2/6/2014 11:50 AM

BG-I feel the same! I finally feel ok about WH but still feel the need to check in on OW. I blocked her from my FB and can't see anything she does (and anything I liked on her page previously she can't see). WH also has her blocked.

My issue is she has a photography page so under that page she can still view mine. I keep almost everything private so there isn't much to see, it just sucks. I actually made a FB page for my son so I could check her page without unblocking her. Totally unhealthy. She does post some veiled stuff and it just upsets me more.

I need to stop looking.

roses303 posted 2/6/2014 12:34 PM

There is a certain benefit to blocking her first because if she blocks you, you can't even see her name to block her and not having the satisfaction of having her name on my blocked list bugs. But either way, being blocked means you see nothing from the other party and that can be a real relief.

Unfortunately you can't totally block someone on Pinterest so I periodically see her there since we have many mutual followers. I am amused that her latest pins have all been about Christian marriage and being a virtuous woman and the type of woman your man wants to come home to. blah - she's been spouting the same thing for years. "Roses, you should read Dr. Laura. You need to submit more to your WH. I know when I do it with my BH our marriage is so good." All the while she was fucking my husband. I have a feeling Jesus would not be amused.

But maybe she is finally starting to walk the walk. There are waywards here who have changed. I just don't respect her enough at this point to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Lovedyoumore posted 2/6/2014 12:46 PM

Even blocked, I still saw things pop up on friends pages, especially pictures that are not tagged. If it is not tagged to her it will come through.

The OW is the queen of quoting, even plagiarizing when it suits her. Don't you love it when they have a need to justify their place in the world?

lordhasaplan? posted 2/6/2014 12:50 PM

After the affair W and I combined our FB accts. Now we both see it all together.

Kyrie posted 2/6/2014 13:23 PM

bionicgal - I'm all over this and I've said this to myself many, many times:

I also have this sense that if I either block her or give up FB I am going to miss seeing something I need to see -- so it is some kind of safety thing.

I share your need to monitor the OW and it does give me a momentary feeling of security. I check on her a lot. And this fact alone is troublesome. Because deep down I know it is doing more harm than good. That momentary sense of safety is always overwhelmed by the truth that I am continuing to acknowledge her existence. It bugs me badly that I struggle with anything having to do with the OW.

You know about the letter to the OW thing I just posted that went on forever? The only reason I even brought that up is because the OW is still taking up space somewhere in my life. The truth is keeping even one finger on anything that has to do with her simply keeps the A alive in some way. As long as the OW gets any kind of attention from us at all, whether she knows it or not, she is being allowed to participate in our lives.

The OW is out there. She is living and breathing and posting, feeling and thinking and possibly screwing someone else's H. But that does not mean we have to acknowledge any of that. (I'm speaking to myself here.) Doing so simply makes her an active participant in our lives. She managed to participate in our lives in a vulgar and despicable way - and she certainly was not invited. I feel like we need to show her the door. Close it. Lock it. Turn our attention to the things we care about most.

Our internal alarm system has been going off since DDay and it's really hard to silence it. It is urging us to check and to monitor and to make sure we're truly safe from the outside - from what has caused us so much pain and suffering. We keep checking to see if the OW has broken in or if she's found an unlocked door. Somehow we have to secure the 4 walls of our M and instead of constantly looking out to see if she's attempting to get in, focus our attention on the person who let her in in the first place.

It's a goofy metaphor. Sorry. I just wonder if monitoring the OW's FB page is the best way to insure the M is safe. What could be a better and more effective way of doing this?

bionicgal posted 2/6/2014 14:07 PM

I feel like we need to show her the door. Close it. Lock it. Turn our attention to the things we care about most.

Ok ya'll, I am super scared, but I am doing it. Right now. Lord, if I have to count on facebook or AP to keep me safe, I am in dire straits indeed!! Thanks so much for all the sage advice.

ETA: Did it! That was totally liberating. It is like she does not exist on there! Brilliant!!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:19 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

bionicgal posted 2/6/2014 14:25 PM

P.S/ I thought the metaphor was perfect, Kyrie.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/6/2014 14:49 PM

Did it! That was totally liberating. It is like she does not exist on there! Brilliant!!

Yay for you!!!

And I love that when you block first... it's pretty damn satisfying! Not to mention since she can't even search you, she can't block you in response. Unless that's changed in the past 4.5 years. Either way, it is empowering because it was your choice.

Rebreather posted 2/6/2014 14:57 PM

I have to count on facebook or AP to keep me safe, I am in dire straits indeed!

Right?