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Newest Member: NumbEmptySad (61504)

User Topic: marriage contract
♀ 37658
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone just mentioned a marriage contract on another post. What is it? Is there an example of one somewhere?

I am in year 2, 17 months out, and I have been thinking a lot about the year two hotel post that surfaced awhile back. The part about how transportation out of the year two hotel would show up and to be sure not to miss the ride. I feel like I am on the train station platform. I am waiting for the ride.

What I want is to focus on building a better marriage. We have done that to some degree and we are better than we were. But it isn't quite good enough for me. I am not sure why not. I was thinking maybe working on a marriage contract might help figure that out.

My thoughts on why it isn't good enough yet: maybe I just haven't given things enough time and once I am more comfortable with the past, I can be happier with the present. I may be letting the past cast its shadow too much. (really relating to rachelc's post about good enough...good post and great responses there...I do feel I am solidly in R with both feet, but something still not quite okay for me)

me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know about a "contract" but I have another thought for you.
We have tried a "family mission statement" with success. We created a few sentences that sum up what we want our family to be like. We did this with our kids when they were young and then put it up on the fridge. It was our beliefs and goals and I think reminded us that we are all in this together. I recently visited one of my married daughters and saw that she is doing the same thing with her little family.
Your question got me thinking that fwh and I should take some time and write a new "marriage mission statement". I think if we made it personal it would help us stay on track and see the big picture of what we want from our relationship.
Anytime you put something in writing you are more likely to accomplish it. Maybe that's the goal here, doesn't matter what you call it. Write our your goals and plan to achieve them so you can both see the big picture.
Thanks for letting me think out loud!

Me: BW Him: FWH in our 50's
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas

Posts: 700 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY IC and my MC had us draw one up. Here is the contract my wife and I have. its something we discuss and change as needed every few months. To date, we have made little changes to it and it has helped tremendously.


1. No contact with AP at all. Any attempts at contact by AP are to be brought to my attention and you are not to read anything that was sent by him, or answer phone if it is him. No conversation at all is to take place between the two of you.

2. Hard stop Deal Breakers:
a. Another affair and I am done
b. Any lies about any relationships with others I am done
c. Transparency at all times, you turn into a liar again, I’m out.
d. IF YOUR SICK, GET HELP. If your depression is hidden again, I’m out.
e. We don’t stop counseling without mutual agreement.

3. Complete openness for both, cell phones, email, any check is OK! Clothes wallet, checking acct etc…. Suspicion is now healthy for building trust.

4. Walls and Windows
a. Never alone with another man/woman unless discussed ahead of time
b. Never alone in a car with another man/woman
c. No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman
d. Never bring anyone into our home without disclosure

5. Open and Honest Communication- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear.
a. Discuss all attractions
b. Discuss all third party attention
c. Discuss all feelings good and bad
d. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that

6. Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our life. Never be done answering questions about it.

7. Friday nights will be for scheduling our lives together.
a. Must plan at least one date night every other week
b. Must have at least 10 hour or more of our time
c. Must have at least one night of family fun time

8. Reconnecting and reassessing WE, I would like to do this daily but realize it won’t happen over time but once a week we can do this at least.

9. Meeting each others emotional needs. Reassessing how we are doing every quarter. Always have the conversation when they are not.

10. Contact about comings and goings at all times.

11. Do one thing special for each other a month, Give rather than take!

12. DS’s activities are a top priority for both of us. Any conflicts are to be discussed and addressed together.

13. We don't do anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.

14. Confidants must be “friends of the marriage” and must be mutually agreed upon.

15. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.

16. We never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between us.

edited to remove names.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 12:48 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2010
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this. It says everything that I have been thinking.

Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 911 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 37658
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I love the idea of the marriage mission statement.

LHAP...thank you for your version of the marriage contract. Some of it does involve things fWH and I have talked about. We just have not written it out or made it "official".

These are great leads for me.

me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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