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huskers posted 2/6/2014 09:40 AM

Found out a month ago. Made him leave the home when he couldn't promise to be faithful. I found out who it was...texted her...called her a whore. He told me we were in danger if I found out who it was. I didn't know if her husband would come get us or what so changed the locks. I opened up an account in my own name.

He is now telling me that I went crazy. Called her a whore...changed locks...moved money. What the hell? I am trying to move forward in any way I can, with or without him. But how can we move forward to reconciliation when he just focuses on what I did above? I told him he has no idea how calm I have been about things. Does he ever watch the news and see what the betrayed spouse has done to the other woman or the spouse?

doggiediva posted 2/6/2014 09:49 AM

He just stabbed you in the back in the worst way possible..How dare he treat you as if you are the crazy one..You are calm and strong in the face of these circumstances..

I have seen people disown or cut ties with family members over situations that were much less serious than infidelity..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:50 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

BrooklynLove posted 2/6/2014 09:54 AM

He is just scaring you so you don't expose her to her BS. Expose this OW to her friends, family and BS. They need to know the kind of woman she is. If you have to get a restraining order then get that. Exposure is the best way to end affairs, and you will also have another pair of eyes watching out.

norabird posted 2/6/2014 09:56 AM

If he is blaming you, keep moving forward without him!!! You have the right idea there. He needs to focus on what he did, not on your reaction to it (which by the way shows a lot of strength).

huskers posted 2/6/2014 10:02 AM

I have seriously thought about letting her husband know. However, she is truly one psycho bitch

[This message edited by huskers at 5:19 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

huskers posted 2/6/2014 10:03 AM

Norabird thank you. He had me second guessing myself...you know they can do that. I did nothing wrong. Nothing a betrayed spouse wouldn't do. HE seems more bothered by the fact that I called her a whore than anything else. OMG how they can twist things around.

Razor posted 2/6/2014 10:09 AM

You were protecting yourself. Nothing more than that.

hopingforhappy posted 2/6/2014 10:11 AM

Crazy, really? Did you throw his stuff in the front lawn and set fire to it? Did you take a sledge hammer to his car? Did you rent a billboard and put a big picture of him on it with the caption "Cheating Husband"? No? Then you did not even begin to approach crazy. What you did was completely sane and level-headed. Good for you. Stay the course and don't let him gaslight you.

huskers posted 2/6/2014 10:18 AM

Explain what gaslighting is please

yearsofpain25 posted 2/6/2014 10:30 AM

You can find gaslighting in the healing library under BS FAQ:

"This term is taken from the movie "Gaslight" where the husband (Charles Boyer) tries to make his wife (Ingrid Bergman) think she is going mad by convincing her what she thinks she is seeing isn't real. When the WS is either caught or suspected, he/she may try to convince the BS that they are not seeing what they think they see or that something didn't happen, even though everything points to the fact that it DID happen. We have heard stories where the BS has even walked in on the WS and OP "in the act", yet the WS still denies that anything was going on. It is an effort on the WS part to completely deny even the most obvious evidence, and to make the BS feel that they must be seeing things. Sometimes, probably because the BS is so desperate to NOT believe what they are seeing, the strategy works. This may be part of "the fog", when the WS is not ready to accept responsibility for what happened. Or in some cases, the unrepentant WS may do this so that they can continue having the A."

doggiediva posted 2/6/2014 10:35 AM

I feel that you should tell the BH...This OW seems like she will inflict crazy on you whether or not you keep quiet..When you lay things out in the open for her BH to know, you will probably see and deal with the fall out right away..This may diminish any fear or paranoia that OW can inflict on you long term..If she disturbs your life in any way you have the right to call the cops on her and get a restraining order..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:38 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

slater13 posted 2/6/2014 10:42 AM

Please consider exposing her to her husband and family. When I did it, she was so thankful for my call. She kinda already knew, but wasn't sure. It helped in her divorce. Also, just recently, a buddy of mine found out by getting a call from the the other man's spouse (OMS).

The WS and the AP will ALWAYS make up shit about how telling will cause problems- they are only covering their asses.

Exposure kills affairs. Otherwise, they have a tendency to come back to life. Also, the other spouse has a right to know.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/6/2014 11:05 AM

I think it's about time you reversed your roles, don't you?

He doesn't call the shots - YOU do.

He doesn't get to question YOUR behavior - lord knows he's certainly in no position to do that after HIS disgusting, low-rent behavior.

I guess his over-used lie about the OW's husband being 'dangerous' and 'abusive' was just that - yet another lie out of his mouth. Unless I'm reading wrong, you told the OW's betrayed husband about his wife's affair with your husand - and miracle of miracles - the BH hasn't beat her up and hasn't shown up at your door to beat your husband up, either. Pretty much all cheaters claim the OW's husband is 'abusive'; it's a tactic they teach you right on page #19 in The Cheater's Handbook and just about every cheating husband claims this. They do it partly to protect their OW and partly to protect their own sorry asses.

Huskers, you need to close this guy down. Stop defending yourself to him, stop letting him make all the rules and call all the shots, and stop allowing HIM to ridicule you. Last time I checked, this guy had just dug a crawlspace beneath his lowest point in life, so the last thing he should be doing is calling YOU out.

Stand up for yourself. Seriously.

You can either take the defensive and sit around defending yourself and allowing HIM to decide what your future is going to be, or YOU can do that yourself.

Which do you choose, Huskers?

huskers posted 2/6/2014 11:22 AM

Hello Never Again - No I have not told the husband. I have tried the 180 didn't work my husband got pissed. He is not living in our home so it's easy to do :)

[This message edited by huskers at 5:20 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

StillPositive posted 2/6/2014 11:26 AM

I'm so sorry you have to be here Huskers...
But don't let him give you any bulls$)t about this being your fault!!!! My WS tried that with me... Lol. Still doesn't work. Don't be defensive of afraid of the backlash... Stay strong and take care of YOU!!!! He'll either stay the same or come around. Don't wait for him to get right. You heal yourself and move on....

We'll support you.

tushnurse posted 2/6/2014 12:03 PM

(((Huskers)))

Yah real crazy....He is trying to convince you of that because he is probably still trying to pick his jaw up off the floor from being so totally amazed at how awesome you have handled yourself.

You have done some very good things for you, and protected yourself. Shut out his noise, that is all it is, and move forward. I would go ahead and let her spouse know what's up. She may be Blato Crazy, but at least you can get it in the open, and if she wants to accuse you again, then you can just file a restraining order against her.

That if you tell your putting us in danger is one of the oldest lines in the book too. I bet 95% of us have heard some version of it.

I can remember in the early days of R when my H didn't quite have his head out of the fog, and he found out that I had hidden money, and seen an attorney.....His first reaction was anger, but later on when he was really doing the work, he told me he admired me for my strength, and keeping my wits about me to protect myself and our children. You are doing the same for yourself. Be proud.

huskers posted 2/6/2014 12:17 PM

Thank you tushnurse. These are all the things I am thinking too. Funny everyone has heard about the 'danger' they are in if they tell the other spouse lol

mandan66 posted 2/6/2014 13:48 PM

Good for you---you've played this really smart; you should be proud.
Here's something to think about though, just on the financial side, in case you do divorce. If you get the house, most likely in your state the only way to truly remove his name off the title is to refinance in your name only. In my case I had to get a co-signer, just because of the value of my home. Just keep that in your back pocket, most folks don't find out about that until the divorce process gets rolling.
Hang in there.

SadInNC posted 2/6/2014 14:00 PM

Sending hugs to you, huskers! Crazy? He hasn't seen crazy if that is what he calls crazy. Hell, no. She is a whore, you were just stating a fact. Changed locks, you were being smart- not crazy. Same thing with moving money--smart, smart, smart!

huskers posted 2/6/2014 14:17 PM

So Im meeting him at 5 for dinner. I have already told him I will not be listening to him deflect his bad behavior on me and my reaction. If he tells me he's not ready to come home, has feelings still for whore, isn't going to marriage counseling, I guess I will just leave.

[This message edited by huskers at 5:21 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

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