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olive01052014 posted 2/6/2014 11:03 AM

I have known for a month. It was a random connection started on Facebook. He had pictures of the two of us snd our kids sll over his page and status was married. She messaged him "You're hot. Too bad you're married.",and in his words it just went downhill from there. She offered up anal before they ever even met up!(She really pulled out all the stops to have him!) The whole thing was fairly short. Her first message to him was on 12/17/13 and I found out 1/5/14. He says they were together 3-4 times always meeting in "sleazy motels".
He says it was nothing but sex and that he had no intention of leaving me. He says he loves me & wants to grow old with me. He says he doesn't know why he did it, that he wasn't looking for it and has always been happy with our sex but couldn't resist when she offered.
He begged me to let him stay so we could work on things. He does accept 100% blame & got into a therapist right away and has gone weekly ever since.
He has childhood issues and emotional trauma due to being involved in a fatal auto accident. He is a caring and loving spouse in all other ways. I hope he can beat whatever his problems are and we can survive. We plan to attend together every 3rd week.
At this point I am still obsessing and driving him crazy. I drove to her neighborhood this morning in hopes of catching her going to work. I just want to beat her ass so bad. Does anyone have advice to help with the obsession stage? I took me years to recover from 2003. I can't go through that long of a recovery again.

norabird posted 2/6/2014 11:50 AM

I'd be more interested in beating his ass! but three weeks in, the obsessive thoughts just aren't possible to wish away IMO. Do stop yourself from the drive-bys though, it is not good to indulge in that and you'll be happier if you can avoid it. Drive to get a manicure or see a friend instead if you start to direct your car to her house. Anything to get your mind distracted. I hope he is not making you feel like you're blowing this out of proportion.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/6/2014 12:23 PM

Well I'm sorry you find yourself here and have to go through this all over again. I would advise that you don't allow your husband to use trauma from an auto accident as an excuse for the bad choices he's made at least twice, now.

Did you actually see the messages from her, or are you going by what he's telling you? It seems a bit odd that some woman out of the blue would just randomly chase someone she doesn't even know, and just offer up anal sex to him - unless he's a Brad Pitt look-alike. That story sounds a bit too fishy - like it was engineered to make it sound as though she was the aggressor and he, the innocent victim led down the garden path. Unless you actually read all the emails and it happened just the way he claims, then I'd probably assume that somewhere down the road, you might find out differently and it will be hellish like it is for anyone who has to deal with trickle truth.

I wish I had a magic answer for you as to how you can deal with the obsessive anger, but unfortunately, I don't. Please take care of yourself and much luck to you in your healing journey.

BAB61 posted 2/6/2014 14:43 PM

I would be very suspicious, check his computer, try to access the cache, take it to a computer repair shop if you have to. Get all the passwords to all the programs he uses. Stalk him, not her! She may be the aggressor, but ALL he had to say was NO! That's it ... 2 freaking little letters put together in such a way to honor your marriage and respect you. HE is the one that CHOSE to cheat. He has to NC her and also I would have him change all the settings on his fb to private/friends only. Sit down with him and have him block/delete all the single women on his fb that you don't know. He doesn't need to be friends with people that are going to offer sex to him.

Personally if this is the second time this has happened it would also lead me to believe there may be more. Hoping, for your sake, that there are not.


olive01052014 posted 2/6/2014 15:58 PM

I actually talked to her and she admitted to pursuing him. He is not trying to dodge his responsibility an any way. He doesn't blame it on me or the accident. I have felt for some time that he has PTSD and have seen him decline greatly in the past 2 years.
I hate that things came to this but I am hopeful that the treatment he is in now will help with all of his issues. I just need the strength to work though this and see how things go.
I do realize that when it comes down to it he is the one in a commitment with me and the one who is in the wrong. I just also realize that people make mistakes and if they are truly sorry and want help they should be given the chance. When this happened 11 years ago we worked through it on our own. If he had not asked to try therapy this time we would not be together now.

Sadmomandwife posted 2/6/2014 16:54 PM

Wow, our stories are eerily similar. I just found out 3 weeks ago but the circumstances are alike. They reconnected through FB. They exchanged emails and texts (way too many to count) for about 6 weeks. They arranged a meetup in another state. She lives in another state. (I guess that's my one saving grace - I know they can't see each other and I don't have to see her.). It was the one face to face meeting. My WS also had an affair 17 years ago. We too just got through it ourselves. I can't do that this time. We are going to go to counseling. We've been married almost 22 years and have 2 children.

I think I'm mostly over the CONSTANT obsessing. I still check his email and fb daily and check the cell usage online but its not 20 times a day. But, he was really forthcoming with any information I asked for (and I asked for a lot). I'm just really sad now. I keep thinking that nothing will ever be the same. My oldest, 19, also found out at the exact time (thanks to a fb message from the OWs husband). She is doing better but now is constantly asking how I am. It's very sweet of her but I also need some space to be mad, sad or whatever roller coaster emotion the day brings. I spend a good part of the time faking it for my youngest that sometimes I just want to be left alone.

I wish I could blink my eyes and go back to the way things were. I think I read I here something like "it may not have been the perfect marriage but it was mine"". That kind of sums it up.

I hope things get better for you!! It's kind of nice to meet someone in the same boat. The stories are so different from person to person.

norabird posted 2/6/2014 17:03 PM

If you are seeing that he's ready to own this and get IC, I wish you both the best in trying to get over this. But remember to look at what he does and how he behaves very carefully over these next few weeks and months. If he doesn't start blaming you, if he works very hard to address his issues, more power to you both. When you say you are 'driving him crazy', I worry that he's trying to sweep what happened under the rug, and for both of your sake's, that is not an option. Being on the emotional rollercoaster is hard on you both, but since he put you there, he needs to deal with it gracefully and supportively. I hope you can walk down the path to healing together, without your being made to feel you are doing anything wrong in your reactions. Giving a partner a chance is definitely your decision and many of us have done the same thing, it's all about what you feel you must do.

Justgreatnews posted 2/6/2014 20:07 PM

I know in this day and age we are all supposed to be in tune with childhood trauma, PTSD and all that, but keep things in perspective.

This is a grown and accountable person. He has to be responsible and reliable or he's of no use to himself or anyone else.

Excuses fall out of the sky like rain. Accountability is something trustworthy people possess.

olive01052014 posted 2/7/2014 04:42 AM

Thank you everyone for your concern. I would like to say again that he is not making any excuses.
He is open with any info I need. He does want to rugsweep some, but he comes around. That is his old way of dealing with problems and something he knows he has to work on. He deactivated his FB account. I do check his call & text activity. I am also able to see his location online. Although that doesn't do much to soothe me since he is in her town daily for his work.
I am thinkng of going somewhere to get some intensive help myself. I know I have to take care of me first and I am having such a hard time. I am not being present for our son and I can't seem to stay off the internet at work. I am afraid I gonna end up in trouble. If I go somewhere maybe they can help me work through the obsession phase and refocus.
Sadmomandwife thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I hope you can make it through!

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