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somethingremorse posted 2/6/2014 11:20 AM

I have an annual guys golf trip coming up. Long weekend of golf and drinking. I have told BW that I am not completely comfortable leaving for four days, and that I want to skip it. She has really insisted that I go. I think that she is honest when she says that she wants to get back to normal, and this is what I would normally do. That is, I don't think that she wants me to unilaterally decide to skip it without her input. Also, she wants me to have enough "me" time so that I do not fall into the depression that was a major contributor to my A. I waited until the last possible minute to pay, just in case she changed her mind.

My question for the forum is what can I do to help my BW feel safe while I'm away. I want to make sure that I am not missing anything that is possible. So far, my plans are to have tracking on my iPhone, to call or text regularly. Maybe even snap a picture of me in my safe surroundings now and then.

Also, I go with my best friend since childhood. BW trusts my buddy completely. He is not responsible for me keeping on the straight and narrow. That's solely my job. But if I'm sitting beside him, I truly believe that he will answer a text, or even preemptively send one to my BW. I don't know if she'd believe it, even though she does trust him. But it is another tool available to me.

Should I try to set up a definite schedule of checking in? Or should I just try to check in as much as is possible? I have to admit that under "normal" circumstances, there will be at least one period of time that I will be falling down drunk. If I set a definite schedule (like checking in every couple of hours, or certain points in the evening), I'll have to make sure that I am "functional" enough to do so. As I sit here, I can say that I will moderate enough to stick to a prearranged schedule. But I am very afraid of promising my BW something and not delivering exactly what I said.

Finally, I am worried about my iPhone going dead, and BW sitting home worried. Any technical advice to keep this from happening?

Darkness Falls posted 2/6/2014 11:40 AM

I understand your concerns about making a promise when you're not sure of being able to deliver.

That said, it seems as though the amount of alcohol you consume is something very much within your control. I'm female and not much of a drinker so admittedly I don't know the psychology of a guys trip-slash-drinkfest but it seems as though you could easily choose not to get drunk past the point that you'd be able to remember to check in with your BW or be able to have a coherent conversation.

As for your iPhone...I've heard of small mobile charging devices that can charge on the go...I think they use a USB plug. You could look into getting one of those.

SpotlessMind posted 2/6/2014 11:53 AM

I second the control when drinking idea. Too much alcohol can lead to loose boundaries. Also, it tends to compound depression. Have you spoken to your wife regarding how she feels about you drinking to the point of being intoxicated while away? And what is more important to you--getting drunk, or your BS's peace of mind? If you're worried, you can always set an alarm on your phone that will alert you to when it's check-in time.

The portable charger is a great idea. I've used them very successfully while away on all-day work events.

Finally, consider bringing a laptop or iPad and leaving Skype open in your hotel room (unless you are rooming with friends--then you might have to figure out a way to use it without violating others' privacy.)

JanaGreen posted 2/6/2014 12:16 PM

My first D-day was due to a golf trip. So yeah. My husband works in the golfing industry so the trips still happen. But limiting the drinking and facetime/skype are good things.

smez posted 2/6/2014 12:48 PM

Skype is your friend. You can put it on your phone if you don't have FaceTime. Easy way to check in.

Jrazz posted 2/6/2014 12:53 PM

I have told BW that I am not completely comfortable leaving for four days, and that I want to skip it.

Looking at this from the original angle... Why don't you just skip it then? You have plenty of time to "get back to normal." Just because your BW insists she's fine with you going doesn't mean you have to.

You said you didn't feel comfortable. I'd listen to your gut on this.

unfound posted 2/6/2014 13:15 PM

Jrazz is spot on.

If you do go:

Have you talked with your W about what she needs as far as accountability and reassurance?

She's giving you an opportunity to prove that you're going on this trip for the reasons she says you need (and at 3 months after dday, this is huge).

The whole drinking thing..I doubt that's going to be a comfort to her. ..."under normal circumstances"..But these aren't normal circumstances now. Adjust your actions to the situation so that you make your W and M the priority.

I'm fine with my H going to the hardware store, but that doesn't mean I'm fine with him juggling chainsaws once he's there.

As far as what you can do to make her feel safe? Talk to her and see what she needs. Make suggestions. Come up with a plan together, then stick to it. No. Matter. What.

newbeg2011 posted 2/6/2014 14:04 PM

I too go on a golf trip every spring. The year of my DDay I didn't go but I think your trip should be treated the same as any time your away from your wife. Number one don't get drunk. It is important to put her first and make her feel safe.
I don't know what kind of phone you use but now days there is battery back up for every phone. I have a IPHONE and the battery backup will charge it 1 1/2 times. the other thing is text her in between holes and shoot her picture's through out the day and evening. I learned to let her text or call anytime. And if she wanted to face time I was always ready so she could see where I was. Didn't happen much but I did on a seminar because I knew she would be triggering. After golf game is over of course other wise your buddies will kill you on the course
Key is to let her know she is your first and last thought now to your day. She will get a lot of reassurance I think if she just knows she is on your mind and what your thinking when you look back. She is the one that is letting you go and is watching the house. you could tell her that while on your trip. It is when I am gone like that I think of my wife the most and how much I was willing to give up for my selfishness.
She would rather know when your thinking of your past especially when on your trip. Its on her mind anyway believe me. it just lets her know it is on yours too.
Good luck hope you hit them straight.
Ps. a nice touch would be to leave her notes in different places. or send her flowers so they get to her the second day your out.

foolishlycluless posted 2/6/2014 14:22 PM

BW here. If you decide to go, my opinion is that you NOT give your BS a schedule. Contact her as often as you can to "check-in," but ALSO tell her that she is free to contact you any time that she wants.

It might be suspicious if you are checking in at particular times because you can check-in, and then go do *something* and then check-in again. If she knows that she can contact you ANY TIME, then she might be more comfortable. Perhaps agree that, if you can't answer her call (or text) immediately, that you will do so within 15 minutes, and then snap a photo of where you are and send it to her. (IE, if you're on the golf tee you won't be able to answer. But as soon as you can, snap a selfie of you on the course and send it to her.)

Just ask her what you can do to make her feel safe.

JanaGreen posted 2/6/2014 14:32 PM

Is this trip just you and your best friend? Who else is on the trip? Has there been any inappropriate behavior on these trips in the past? (bar pick-ups, strippers, escorts?) Or is it strictly guys drinking and playing golf?

Morhurt posted 2/6/2014 14:42 PM

For me as a BS it means so much when my H makes decisions that put me and "us" before just himself.

Obviously everyone is different, but honestly, do you think she'll be upset if you don't go? Will you feel resentment towards her if you stay home? If you have even a little bit of worry that she may trigger and worry while you're away... why go?

Good luck. And don't forget to communicate. Trying to guess what each other wants is very futile in my experience. Be honest with yourself and listen to her.

somethingremorse posted 2/6/2014 16:13 PM

Thanks for all the feedback. That's why I asked.

Newbeg2011, really spot on advice. I really do want to watch how much I drink and who I talk to at all times, especially alone. BW will be a lot more comfortable if I'm in control at all times. I expect she'll ask me multiplication problems to check sobriety.

It's just this will be the first time really away, and I'm nervous. I am sure that my fun weekend is going to be sprinkled with heavy amounts of guilt and shame. I have pulled in my boundaries really tight since DDay -- no facebook, not wanting to go out, checking in all the time when I'm on the road for work. I think that's why she wants me to go -- to prove I'm OK "out there."

I want to go above and beyond, which is why I want to put together a list. I have been the active spouse in our R, and I want to keep that going for this trip. She wouldn't ask for nearly as much as this list provided. That's exactly the reason for me to promise it. I will absolutely be sending flowers to arrive when I'm gone.

KatieG posted 2/6/2014 16:36 PM

If you want to go above and beyond - don't go.

Even though she says she's ok, the BEST message you can send is being with her. I would say the same but "getting back to normal" needs help. And that would be a good thing to do to repair further.

Don't go, make that decision and forget all the crap about Skype and not drinking too much.

JustDesserts posted 2/6/2014 16:52 PM

What concerns me is this...

...she wants me to have enough "me" time so that I do not fall into the depression that was a major contributor to my A.

Sorry...I don't buy it. From her perspective or yours. Let me get this straight: You don't get enough "me" time and you get depressed and that's a major "contributor" for your affair?

Nope. Sorry. Neither you or she sound ready or safe regarding this Golf/Drink-O-Rama. She furtively checks her phone. You furtively look at your battery life. Your buddies furtively look at hotties in the bar, or what the heck ever. Seriously.

Sorry to pee in your Cheerios, but this sounds like a bad idea wrapped in a cloud of fuzzy logic.

Blow her away. Go on a trip with her. Or stay home with her. Your buds lives will go on. And next trip with your best buddy can be with him and his wife, and you and yours.

Getting off my soap box now. This is all IMHO.


Verynaive posted 2/6/2014 17:02 PM

My WS has gone on an annual guys Vegas trip for over 20 years. He wanted to go after dday, but he knew I was very anxious about it, especially since ow showed up there the previous year. We talked about it a lot and he decided that he wanted me to join him. He flew out a couple days before me, kept in close contact through that time, and then I flew out to join him along with the wife of one of his friends. He planned a special night going to a concert and we had a great time. We are doing the same thing this year.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/6/2014 19:36 PM

I use a Mophie portable battery charger from Best Buy. Its a little smaller than a deck of cards. You charge it, and then you can use it to charge your cell phone. They have different size ones. The one I have will charge my phone fully once, but they have ones that will charge your phone nearly 3 full times, of course they go up in price for the ones that are more mah.

Here's a link!!

heforgotme posted 2/7/2014 06:23 AM

No matter what your BS said, I guarantee you she will be happier if you stay home.

She will feel special. She will feel like you CHOSE her.

I think you have an opportunity here. For a big win in the "actions speak louder than words" department.

I know you guys are anxious to get back to "normal", but at 3 months out, that just isn't possible yet. She (and probably you too) are still walking wounded. Right now anything you guys do should be with healing in mind. And I don't think that being separated, especially for an activity that involves a lot of drinking, accomplishes that.

Good luck.

UndecidedinMA posted 2/8/2014 21:38 PM

I am a FBSO, my WSO is on day 2 of a 12 day business trip 3000 miles away. He calls periodically, I am free to call whenever. He told his boss about an "issue" at home so he can take calls spur of the moment.

The best thing is I have access to his cell records and can see a daily log of all his incoming & outgoing calls & texts. I can see where they came from & how long they lasted.

Skype or even Facetime is a must.

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