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Husband just told me last night.

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Mamaof2 posted 2/6/2014 11:48 AM

I have been married 7 years. We have 2 children. My husband has a job where he is on the road a lot and I blindly thought I could trust him. Two days ago out of nowhere he called and told me he wanted a divorce and would give me no explanation. And then last night he called me and told me he has been cheating for the past two weeks. He said he took his ring off and borrowed money from his friend and went to the bar and he met her there hooked up with her and has been seeing her since but that he wants to end it with her and come home and work on our marriage but what am I supposed to do with this? I feel so heartbroken and betrayed. I told last night that I needed a day or so to process but then texted him this morning and told him to just come home and face me but he hasnt texted back. I'm so lost and confused. When he was home last everything seemed great. We had just moved into our new house and everything. What do I do from here..

norabird posted 2/6/2014 11:55 AM

I'm so sorry. It's a terrible blow. You will be all over the place emotionally -- numb and in shock, full of rage, desperate for reassurance, incredibly hurt. It's so unfair. Know you aren't alone and you will get through this no matter what. Read the FAQ for BS in the healing library on the upper right.

It is hard to say from a distance, but I doubt he is telling you the truth about his having been cheating for the last two weeks. It is much more likely IMO that he has been in a long term A and that's why he asked for D.

I would see a lawyer ASAP to figure out your rights since he is talking about D. Right now, take his words about leaving at face value. He is not in the marriage anymore. Act as if he isn't coming back and focus on yourself. When reality hits, maybe his tune will change, but you can't get him to see how crazy he's being. Nothing you can say to him will be heard, so put your head down and do what is best for you and your kids. It will make you strong to start moving on right now. Don't look back. I know it will be so hard but you can do it. Really.

You are worth better than this.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:06 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 2/6/2014 11:59 AM

Mamaof2, I'm so very sorry that you find yourself here. You are in a horrible situation. The good news is that there are 42000+ people here to help you on your way. Welcome.

Doesn't sound like he is very remorseful and that needs to happen before you can reconcile. There is a lot that has to happen before then. Do you even know all the details or the truth? Has he done this before? Sounds like you know very little at this point and are going to need a lot more before you decide anything. Also sounds like he is still very much all about himself and not you as a couple. Or you at all.

You just found out so lets start by helping you pick yourself up off the floor. There will be many people along shortly with excellent advice. I am going to bump up a few threads for you to read. They will have a target next to them. Start with Tactical Primer and 180. Also look in the Healing Library in your upper left corner. You are going to have a lot of abbreviations thrown at you. You can find the abbreviations along with a lot of other sound advise in the Healing Library.

ETA: Sorry, reread your post and see you have 2 kids.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 12:38 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 2/6/2014 12:46 PM

The first thing you can do for yourself after you pick yourself up off the floor is to start to take control of the situation, take the wheel, and you be the driver. The only way to do that is by pulling the 180. It is not designed to get your WH back. It's designed to help you separate yourself from him a bit so that you can get stronger and see the situation for what it is. It's very hard to do, but you CAN do it. The secondary part of it is that it should show him that you mean business and are not letting him use you as his personal doormat for whatever HE wants to do about the situation. He may very well still walk away while you are doing the 180, but you cannot nice him back or play by his rules no matter which way you go in this situation.

Many people on here say they wished they had done the 180 immediately upon finding out.

When he was home last everything seemed great.

Really? How so? Great because he was back for a minute to make you feel like everything was ok and going to be fine? Ask yourself this. Why is he going from asking for a divorce and then two days later coming home and pretending like everything is fine? Did the OW find out that he was leaving you to be with her and then she backed off the relationship? Who knows and I don't want to speculate too much. The point is that there are so many things that you don't know yet.

I think he is still using you as his security blanket and he is "playing games" with you for his benefit. I'm furious for you.

huskers posted 2/6/2014 13:12 PM

I am new to this too, just in a month. However, I am a paralegal and would be much worse shape if I didn't know my rights. See a divorce attorney NOW. That does not mean you are filing. That means that knowledge is power and the more knowledge you have the more in control you feel

TheClimb posted 2/6/2014 13:22 PM

Here is info from the Healing Library on the 180. It really does help.

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

[This message edited by TheClimb at 1:22 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Charity411 posted 2/6/2014 13:30 PM

If I understand you right, here is what would concern me. He met her in a bar two weeks ago and has been seeing her ever since and he wants a divorce. That would be highly unusual. I don't see someone out of the blue taking their ring off, going to a bar on borrowed money to pick up the first woman who comes along and suddenly two weeks later wants a divorce. I agree with Norabird. I highly doubt he's telling the truth.

I agree with all the advice about getting legal advice. It doesn't mean you're divorcing him. It means you have the information you need should it come to that. And that puts you in a more secure position.

Mamaof2 posted 2/6/2014 22:21 PM

Thank you everyone all of this is making me feel better.

He was home for New Years everything was fine. And that was the last time he was home.

But anyways...he texted me tonight finally and told me he spent last night and most of today with the other girl and now he doesn't know what he wants or if he will even be coming home. He came sort of clean about how he has been seeing her for much longer than two weeks. I think she gave him the ultimatum. Call it a woman intuition. In a fucking text. I just didn't text him back. I am a stay at home mom and have been our whole marriage, but I will be going to DHS tomorrow to see what all I need to do. And definitely getting back into school.

norabird posted 2/6/2014 23:50 PM

This guy is a piece of work. Trust me, his fantasy will crumble one day while you will have rebuilt a great life, and he will rue the day. The best revenge is a life well lived. The cowardice and immaturity in his behavior is disgusting. You deserve So much better.

...Actually consulting with an awesome attorney and filing for D and ruining his little bubble would be pretty good revenge right now too.

Mamaof2 posted 2/7/2014 01:49 AM

It's so messed up. We married in 2007 when we were both 21 before he was deployed to Iraq. Our daughter was 5 days old. I spent my first year ever as a mother all alone. Then he came home and decided to take the job he has now which required him to be away from home a lot but paid decent. In 2009 I had had enough of him being gone and convinced him to take a job close to home. It paid less but at least we would be together. In 2010 we had our son. Everything was great for a while. But then we started fighting a lot because he started treating me like shit. I would cook dinner and if he didn't like what I cooked he would throw it in the trash. He was always cussing me in front of the kids. I would ask him not to and I never did any yelling even though I wanted to I would try to talk calmly and have a grown up conversation after the kids went to bed. He would bitch about money but refused to let me work because he didn't want to have to put the kids in child care. It seemed like nothing I ever did was good enough. In 2011 One day I had had enough of that and told him where to go and he backhanded me in the face in front of the kids. I called the police. (the sound of my daughter yelling "don't hit my mama!" will forever be imprinted in my head. He went to jail and me and the kids moved into my moms house. After a few months apart we started talking again. He seemed like a totally different person. Like being away from us had made him realize what he had lost. He was a totally different person. He treated me like there wasn't anyone else in the world put me on a huge pedestal was being great with the kids and everything was looking up. He started working on the road again because he lost the other job and it was still going great we had decided to find jobs that lasted longer so that me and the kids could just go on the road with him. He got the job he has now about a year ago and he said it was going to be an 18 month job so I started house hunting up there online. I would call and set up times for him to go look at houses, because our daughter is in school and he is 3 and a half hours away so it wasn't really an option for me to go look at them. He never liked any of them and would tell me they were dumps or not good enough. Finally after a few months I had decided I was going to just come look and drive around looking for rent signs that might not be posted. A couple of days before I had planned to come up he told me it was pointless because they had just told them the job was about to end. This happened a lot over the next couple months. Obviously that didn't ever happen. Another thing I didn't even notice until now was the address he is at is the only one I have never known what it was the whole time he has been up there. I do now of course. But this past year he has been coming home less and when he is home he seems so distant and like he doesn't want to be here. And it gets worse every visit. Except for the last two times he was home. The one before was Christmas. He was off for 4 days. We got in a fight but the next night he took me dancing which he has never ever done the whole time we have been together. We had a great time. And he left seeming happy. & Then New Years. I had given up on going to where he is and got a house in the town we are at now. It was the first few nights in our new house A new start and we talked about him just coming home and getting a job at a place here. And then of course you know the rest but I've known for a while I guess but just needed to hear him say it. But after everything I've put up with I'm definitely done and so ready to start on me. It's all about me and my babies from now on. Forgot to mention this whole past year me and my children had been sharing a room at my moms house. That's another reason I was like enough we will just get a house here. So yea..special. My goodness. As I go back and read this with the mind set I have now I realize just how effed up it all is blind I guess. I should have left him 3 years ago...

RealityStinks posted 2/7/2014 10:37 AM

he backhanded me in the face in front of the kids

You can do better. Men do not hit women. Cowards might.

And then he had an A. I know you can do better.

You do not want your kids growing up in that environment.

I know it hurts, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Hang in there.

FightingBack posted 2/7/2014 10:59 AM

Mama, I know it is hard to think of things this way, but try to look at this terrible thing that has happened to you as a door opening up to a better future, and one where you have a chance to find true happiness with someone else who deserves you.

You are a young woman with your life ahead of you. It will be difficult on your own with two little ones, but without him you are safer and I think will be happier.

Looking back on my own marriage, if I had found out about his infidelity when it began all those years ago, I would have picked up my 4 kids and started over. And even if I had not found someone to love or to love me the way I deserved, I would not have had to go through this pain and regret.

Be strong for your kids. ((((Mama))))

adriana1980 posted 2/7/2014 12:48 PM

Mamaof2, it's unlikely that you have a real chance of having anything even remotly close to a normal, helthy marriage with the prick you are married to right now. Find a very agressive divorce attorney and take your husband to cleaners. It won't be easy at first but you are still young and soon you will find someone who will realy love you. Just get divorced!

momof1girl posted 2/7/2014 17:25 PM

Oh, Mama :( I feel so horribly for you. I know what you must be feeling and all I can say is that you are among friends. Vent, cry, rage, ask questions, don't be afraid to reach out...
Welcome to the popular club that no one wants to be a member of.

Mamaof2 posted 2/7/2014 23:07 PM

Tracked his phone tonight. I know I shouldn't have but I did..and he has been 2 two strip clubs tonight...yea..Oh well..I called and made an appointment with the adviser at a university in my town and have that set up for Wednesday. I also went by DHS and have an appointment with them on Monday. My son had a dr apt today. Then we picked his sister up from school and went and got groceries then me and my babies had a dinner date and came home and had a tea party then cuddled up and watched a movie. It's been the first good day so far. & took me all day to relapse and track his phone. But after I did I didn't really have an emotion to it. I didn't feel like I wanted to call him or text him or even care for that matter. & That feels good.

Mamaof2 posted 2/8/2014 10:58 AM

Not so easy this morning..I can't stop crying uncontrollably. So many mixed emotions and not one of them is good..

Mamaof2 posted 2/8/2014 14:30 PM

It's very disappointing when someone turns out to be the absolute complete opposite person than you thought they were. Someone you thought to be so wonderful turns out to be the worst person you have ever had the misfortune to know..

hard_yards posted 2/8/2014 14:39 PM

All stories here are tragic, sad, heart goes out to every one, and then there's one that just sticks in your mind, yours is one of those for me. I've been thinking of you since you first stated posting.

Please.... save your self respect and your self esteem.... actions show intentions, words are easy.... he's still seeing the OW, and now strip clubs as well? This guy has lost his path... don't let his dysfunction take you with him.

Let him go.

Keep communications to a bare minimum, and yes, through your lawyer is probably the smartest move. Let him have a cold dose of reality, you don't want him as he is, hell, you might never want him again at all.

That decision is yours.

Gather those around you who can support you, circle the wagons.... get some legal advice from a good, take-no-prisoners lawyer, protect yourself and your kids.

His actions over the preceding months prove that he has checked out of your marriage, he has all but fired you from the job of his wife, and now you are reduced to the carer of his children, who he's not giving much thought to I might add.

Please take care of yourself honey, don't subject yourself to any more of this rubbish, you're not a choice to be made, you're his WIFE.

hugs, lots of hugs.

Mamaof2 posted 2/9/2014 12:24 PM

Thank you. & I am trying to get over him. He hasn't called at all & I'm not going to be the one to call him. He's still gone but has called in to work all week according to my step dad that works with him. So apparently he doesn't even care to support us anymore, which is fine with me. I've got this. He seems to think I need him. No. I wanted him and loved him and wanted him to be in my life but never needed him. It will be hard but I will take care of me and our children by myself. Of course he will have to pay child support tho. He isn't getting off that easy.

Mamaof2 posted 2/9/2014 21:37 PM

He still hasn't gone to work and he's blown all the money at the strip club! I'm not even going to be able to pay the utilities! I hate him! Why? Ugh!

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