Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: Schattenfell (61077)

User Topic: How do I grow a Pair and File? Doing nothing sucks...
♂ 38739
Member # 38739
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Everyone-

I appreciate all the feedback over the past year and now need to know for those of you who have had to pull the trigger and file for divorce, how did you finally get the courage to do it? I'm so lost right now and fear is running my life and I hate it.

Quick background: 18 months ago, wife acting weird, started digging around and found out about an emotional affair, called her out on it, she said it was nothinig but only to find out 6 or 7 months later (past April) that she had sex. I also called him right before he moved and told him that if he had any more contact with wife I would alert his wife to what had occurred. He then changed positions in the company and it ended.

A few months of hell and then suddenly she wanted to work on marriage and go to counseling which we started in Mid-November. Things going well, thought had turned a corner...

January 2, she starts a new job...2 days letter the calls and text start, then she had to go to Vegas for 5 nights...after she gets home lengthier phone calls while I"m at work and lots of texts...start digging around again and found all sorts of evidence with her stating she has never felt this way before, she thinks he is the one, looking at sites telling best way to please a man sexually (never cared about honing her skills for me), and to top it off she has to be in Florida for training and guess where he lives...about an hour from the training site. They have planned a rendevous at some nice hotel while she is down there. She also keeps notes about how she is thinking he is the one and wants to divorce me and marry him (who is by the way married with 2 kids) since he is unhappy in his marriage as well. She is looking at divorce sites and has just turned nasty. I know his wife's name but cannot find a contact number...I really think she deserves to know....but don't know how to track her down.

I know our marriage is is so clear that it is. I know it!!!! It kills me and I never wanted to be a damn divorce statistic but I will be. She makes more money (almost twice as me) and has a ton of savings so I'll come out of this ok with equitable distribution and potentially spousal support(as long as she doesn't try to hide the money somehow)...however, I've been the primary caregiver for 2 years while she has traveled and am so very very fearful of losing my scares the shit out of me to the point I keep holding off filing because I'm so scared of losing my daughter. She means everything to me and am sick with worry what could happen in the courts as a man. I have seen an attorney and given the situation have been told worst case for me is probably 50/50 (1 week on/1 week off). My wife is a classic narcissist and is a terrible parent. How do I grow a pair...and do it?????

Any advice is so very much appreciate. Thanks

[This message edited by betrayedinSC77 at 3:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll want to take control of your situation and get leverage for your decisions. You'll want your finger on that divorce trigger instead of her.

Just know this, you can file and still pull out of the D process if your WW decides at the last minute to pull her head out of her ass and face reality. The only way to know what options you have legally is to talk to an attorney. Most give free consultation. Talk to at least a few, the more the better. You'll need to get a good understanding of what your rights are as a father in your state. Without good legal information you cannot make good sound judgement in your best interest. Once you have good information, your balls will grow larger.

Your WW does not need to know (nor should you tell her) that you are talking with attorneys.

Look, if she truly had the strength to leave you, she would have divorced you first before she had her A. I bet she's a cake-eater.

In my situation, my D process is being held in limbo while my WW and her attorney gets to decide the pace of the process (even though it is uncontested) by lollygagging. She is basically holding me back on my new beginning. My D was supposed to be done two and half months ago. I have plans and they can't start yet. It's pissing me off. I didn't file first. She did. My BIG mistake.

Oh, and remember this - Information is POWER!

[This message edited by Jduff at 3:26 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Dday in 2012
D final 2014
M to better woman in 2016 and still living my NB.

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southwest
♀ 42022
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll feel better after you do.

1) Print all the paperwork first so you know what you are up against.
2)If you have already met with an attorney that is great. Get all the info you can.
3) Ask her to leave. Do not leave the house.
4) Print all bank statements and pull her credit report so there is nothing to hide.
5) Tell her to meet you at the courthouse and file jointly. Tell her you are doing this to save attorney fees and to make this as easy as possible for both of you.
6) Gather as much evidence as possible.
7) See an IC if you have not already and set an appointment for your daughter.
8) Install key tracking software on her computer so if she tries to hide money you can find it.
9) You will be happy again and you do not deserve this.
10) Breathe

I went through a really bad break up 20 years ago with a fiance and vowed if it ever happened to me again he might break my heart but no one would ever again take my pride. I filed 5 days after DDay and feel a bit better every day since.

Best of luck. I know you've already grown a pair, you just need to pull the trigger. Just always be 1 step ahead.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched

Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just do it, don't think. Do it. You will be happier in the long run. Fear is worrying about something that MAY happen. Not something that will happen. I ran on fumes didnt think, just moved forward.

Me 34 (former BS)
Happily Divorced November 17, 2014.
3 young kids all under 9.
"I'm sorry you don't like my honesty. But to be fair, I don't like your lies."

Posts: 592 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My state has a 6 month mandatory separation period. My consult with the L was invaluable. In it I learned that in addition to the separation period, it's a no-fault state as well. So the infidelity has no bearing on the D. In a way that sucks .... because there is no punitive damages! dang it ... yes I am a bit vindictive.

I kicked his cheating ass out of the marital home when I found evidence of his LTA.

Just DO IT!

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to suggest that you get down to the Separation and Divorce forum and talk to the folks there. As there are really experienced people who hang out in this forum to talk to newcomers, there are also very experienced people who are in that forum that can help you, some of whom may have experience in the state that you live in. I would also suggest that you go to the I Can Relate forum, and find the Betrayed Men's thread. VERY experienced men there who will be able to give you a man's viewpoint of divorce and custor the do's and don'ts.

Just off the top of my head, I would make SURE to see the 4 biggest shark divorce lawyers in your area and settle on one, preferably the one with the most experience in men's child custody cases. By going to the best, just for a consult, you take them away from her because ethically, they cannot represent her if you have already consulted with them. Then I would file first and I would file for spousal support, child support, and for physical and legal custody due to your status as the primary child-care provider. Get yourself a calendar and start making notations EVERY time you provide any child care pick up and drop off, babysitting while she's at a meeting, continuous care while she's "on travel" for business. Go retroactively and be accurate. Start building your case before she gets any idea of what's up.

The decision to divorce means war, my friend. And you have to approach it with victory conditions in mind at all times.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9901 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its really not as bad as you think. As you spoke to an attorney already, you go in sign the papers and he handles the rest. As she is the bread winner and you have already established a pattern of being the primary care giver, go for the throat my man. The typical roles have reversed in the courts eyes and you should ask for everything. File for primary custody, ask for SS and CS. Even request she pay your attorney fees. I think you have a good shot at getting what you ask for. As for your WW, lets take a good look at the picture here. She is fogged up and has her head so far up the OM ass she is licking his teeth. She has fallen for the biggest trick in the infidelity book. And that is she believes the OM. Now we all know these types of assholes will say anything to get laid. Sure he is giving her promises of love and togetherness. He has her buying the whole fantasy of a perfect life together. But its all a lie, he is not going to leave his W. Matter of fact I'd bet my last dollar that once you inform his BS your WW is going to thrown out like yesterdays trash. Its very typical and I'm amazed that so many women fall for this shit. But that's not your concern. Your concern is your own future and the stability of your children. Let her go off on her little fantasy trip. She is going to get exactly what she deserves. Personally I'd get the legal ball rolling before informing the OBS. Its best to file while they are still in fantasy love. They tend to be more cooperative and giving. That's because they are thinking with their private parts instead of their heads. She may even concede you everything because she wants out so quick. After you get what you want then inform the OBS and watch what happens.

Chances are after she gets dumped by OM she is gonna crawl back begging for forgiveness. But make sure you have yourself legally protected before you entertain any thought of allowing her back in. And at that point you hold all the cards my man. And by that time who says you even want her back into your life. She is damaged goods and thinks she is calling all the shots right now. Let her think that way while you get your ducks lined up. If you play this smartly your gonna come out smelling like a rose. As for her and the OM, their day of reckoning is coming fast. They are just too stupid to see the train speeding into the tunnel. Hang in there bro, allow the thoughts of what coming to them motivate you into doing what needs to be done.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I grow a pair...and do it?????

The truth is----you just do it.

Reread Skan's post. Your WW is not your friend--she is the destroyer. She will not stop until she mentally drains you to nothingness. Don't let her.

You have to find your righteous anger. She is screwing up your daughter--and if that isn't enough reason to act, I don't know what is. You are the only parent with her well-being in mind. And every day that goes by unchanged, the worse it will get. Are you going to let that happen?

I know that this is hard---probably the toughest thing that you may ever have to do. But it is a necessity. Nothing will change until you take action. It is OK to hold out some hope for a possible reconciliation, but you must take action that is moving away from this direction, because, well.....your WW has offered nothing but the opposite.

Go over to Divorce and Separation. You will gain so much knowledge there. You have 40+ thousand people here who have your back.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 4:56 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

2 boys-20 & 23(special needs)
Married 24yrs.(together 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Plenty
Accepting that I can may end this marriage 7/2/14
Heading for D

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely listen to Skan. As the primary caregiver, fight for what you know is best for your children, and that's being with you. Good luck to you.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 33842
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BetrayedSC-I am assuming you are in SC via your user name? I am in SC and infidelity is cause for a fault D. There are several situations in which someone can file for D based upon fault here. So when I went to file for D back in 2011 I learned a lot. First of all gather evidence. Get everything you can that shows her A and the extent of it. Take phone bills, text history, emails, anything and everything (my attorney said the more the better). Document your primary care of your child as another poster had advised you as well.
Based upon my own experience here in this state (if this is where you are)infidelity is taken very seriously. The word my attorney used after viewing my evidence was our D would "crucify" my husband.

This is one of the hardest things you can ever do but it is the right thing to do. You know she is not the right person to care for your child so now you have to battle for her. Like another poster said D is like war, you are going to fight for what is best for your child now. Get a great attorney and take all of your evidence and file. The answer to the question in your title is to fight for your child, thats how you "grow a pair", do it for that child. You are much stronger then you think!

Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I wish I lived in SC....I would have filed in a New York minute..
As another poster said, information and a good advocate (lawyer) is your light out of the tunnel of limbo with an un remorseful wayward spouse..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
♂ 42104
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Go talk to your lawyer about what type of evidence is needed to claim infidelity. This varies by state. But I believe you will need testimony from an eyewitness that saw the two of them entering a room/building alone and then exiting a few hours later. You can only typically get this type of evidence from a private investigator. PIs are not cheap, and will run you a few thousand dollars for a few days of monitoring.

In advance of hiring a PI however, you can typically get information on when/how your WW and OM will meet via the following ways:

1) Install a keylogger on the main computer she uses. Find out the passwords to her email accounts, and then periodically check them. If she uses gmail then be careful because the WW can be notified if the account is open twice on two different IP addresses.
2) If she uses text messages to communicate to OM then install spyware app on her phone. There are a few that will send you copies of each text message.
3) If she uses phone calls to communicate then buy a VAR. Sony ICD-PX312 is the best. Buy 2-3 at Walmart. Secure them with velcro. Turn off the beep function and turn on the voice activation feature.

Be strong. Keep posting. We can help

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
♂ 40669
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also very scared to file. But I told myself that I could stop the divorce process if needed. And I kept telling myself, that my WW is no longer my wife, she doesn't care about me, I'm not responsible for her anymore. In retrospect, I'm glad I filed early (about 2 months after Dday). It is now almost 6 months later and the divorce process is so slow. If I waited til later, it would have just been more suffering.

File now. You'll also feel better because you are taking control of the situation, not letting your WW call all the shots. Depending on where you live, it may be advantageous for your to file first (in my state it was better for me to do this).

Good luck brother and hang in there.

Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.