SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hatemyhusband posted 2/6/2014 17:08 PM

I seriously start thinking I will be better off D.
He's remorseful, transparent, blah blah blah but I'm heartbroken, ashamed, disgusted.
It's 8 weeks since dd. I'm giving it "time" but I'm not a forgiving person and a 2 yr LTA w my "friend" with looking in my eyes over and over and lying is too much I'm not one to trust easily so I know I'll likely never forgive

I feel bad for my kids as it will be a struggle to live here. They're so successful and love their life. Problem is, not sure I love mine.

Bad few days here..

Skan posted 2/6/2014 18:03 PM

(((hugs))) 8 weeks is a very short time to do any type of true healing. Heck, your ripped-off skin is just barely starting to produce more skin cells! Just remember, the decision to stay or go ultimately is up to you. You can make that decision at any time. And your feelings about staying or going may flip flop all over the place by the day, if not by the minute.

And yeah, there were days when he was being THE perfect "remorseful" spouse that I just wanted to poke his eyes out with a rusty ice pick.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/6/2014 19:00 PM

I agree! Since your DD is so recent, just give it time. It does (believe it or not), get better with time.

I know this is no consolation, and hearing people say that, probably pisses you off, but its the truth.

All you can do is take care of yourself, eat right (as best you can) get plenty of rest, and drink lots of water!

movingforward13 wrote the most beautiful post about this under the "just found out" forum. Please read it! I'm 8 months out and it really helped me! I'll paste the link below!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=521972&HL=41761

devasted30 posted 2/6/2014 19:50 PM

I agree with Skan and 4everfaithful83. You are still so raw. You are expecting way too much, too soon. I bet you 6-8 months from now your outlook will be different. You will feel better. It is just so hard to believe right now. We understand. We've been there. If someone had told me I would still be here, I would have told them they were crazy. But, surprisingly, here I am. I still have many horrible days but there are some good ones. It will happen for you too.

blakesteele posted 2/7/2014 04:48 AM

(((Hatemyhusband)))

Hang tough and keep the faith. If you can....just try to settle on a temporary attitude of "not divorcing". I existed there for a while.

18 months out here....but I remember the dreadful, painful feelings you posted here.

One question. Have you felt anger yet?

It took me 4 months to REALLY feel anger.....then I hit my "rage phase".

IC (weekly sessions) were critical to me getting in touch with my feelings.

I will say a specific prayer for you now.

This is seriously tough stress....some say adultery is among the most traumatic experiences a person and their M can experience. I would be more concerned if you thought you were "ok" more than you are at such a short period from
DD.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:49 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

Hatemyhusband posted 2/7/2014 08:12 AM

Took today off. Last night so angry. Crying. Vomiting a mess
Three hrs sleep w sleeping pills. Weeping

Rage? Yes. I'm there. Could kill him w my bare hands.

Today I'm ready to see an atty. I need options. Feeling so stuck. These poor kids. If I didn't have them, is spit in his face and walk away. They are keeping my feet on ground. Nothing else.

Not sure why I've been so bad last few days. I'm ready to srive to the crack motel and attack those walking in and out asking is they know the consequences for their actions.

I truly hate him today

marionwendy posted 2/7/2014 08:39 AM

Im right behind you! Im 5 months out and think 5 out of 7 is an accurate description. yesterday I was washing our quilt and It struck me that this was the blanket they had sex on! I wanted to beat the living crap out of him. It makes me sick what he did. We both had the same problems/issues in the marriage and I didn't step over any lines! Im in the anger stage right now, some days it just hits me like a ton of bricks and other days I don't think about it. When I do though, I feel sick, I think hes sick and even kinda creepy. I look at him differently, hes not the same man I thought I knew. I haven't decided if Im going to leave. I know I will know in time if this is what I truly want. I will make it either way, In the beginning I never thought that. So Im happy I now have the strength to leave if I want to.

veronique12 posted 2/7/2014 09:06 AM

I'm 2 months out from EA D-day and then learning it was actually a PA a few weeks later, so we're in a similar stage, though I think I'm in the 5 out of 7 days are bad state of mind.

There is no way we can know what we want this early in the process. I swing from wanting to talk to a lawyer to hugging my H in the span of an hour. I think the concept of "not divorcing" is a good one. It helps me acclimate to the possibility that I really can decide to leave if I need to and takes some of the pressure off of the R process. I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself (and my H wasn't initially helping either) to get over this quicker, to R and move past this so we can enter the more "conscious and better connected than ever" stage of M, that's we've overcome an A together and now we're closer and wiser. But that's just not going to happen in any quick way. As we are all learning or know, the process is messy and ugly and there are MANY days when all we see is a liar, a cheat, a sneak, a selfish pig.

I hear this lessens with time. Can't wait for that!

Howie posted 2/7/2014 09:11 AM

For what its worth, I'm not naturally forging either. And I cant express,still, the hatred I felt at D. Just this thought, 8 weeks is too soon to have reached your settlement point on his betrayal.Your wound is too immediate.If he doing the right things now (many messages here on SI) then at some point you are going to have to deal (decide on) with the deepest issues : do you love him, can you love him; do you, can you trust him, do you want to make a life with him. But if he is giving you time so to speak by doing right now, take the time. Because now you are trying to make a decision while in ICU after being hit by a bus.The damage is so great.
I haven't seen a person here who hasn't had long term pain from the betrayal.Amazingly, that is not the deal breaker.Not saying you should stay,only take more time if you have it (as above). Sorry this happened to you-sorry it happened to me

LA44 posted 2/7/2014 10:40 AM

HMH, altho I am 14 months out yesterday (hey, I actually forgot until I saw today's date), I remember so well, 8 weeks and yes, it seemed like it was 5 good, 2 terrible. It was definitely a pattern I noticed.

I remember a family friend saying to me, "do not make any decisions at this time of great emotional turmoil". I am very glad I listened to her on that one.

Also, while my H's PA was 2 years, it was not with a friend like yours was so that is a double betrayal and must hurt like hell. I am so sorry.

Embrace those 5 good days and know there are more ahead.

In the meantime, take good care of you.

PinkJeepLady posted 2/7/2014 10:49 AM

Why not go talk to a lawyer and see what D would look like? It might help you to know what your back up plan looks like.

This is such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I can't count the number of times I was "done". I started writing out my plans if I did file for D. It helped me feel a tiny bit calmer to know I did have options. You have options too. Remember that kids are survivors, sure D is hard on everyone, but they are probably more resilient than you realize. You will always be there for them no matter what.

It might help to specifically plan a short amount of time. How about trying to survive this weekend and see how you feel Monday morning? What can you do to take care of yourself for the next 3 days and give yourself a little break from deciding to D? Tell yourself that Monday you will focus on that decision, but this weekend you are just focusing on yourself and your kids. I know it sounds easier than it is. Just make yourself do things you enjoy or that give you a break.

I totally get your feelings of driving down to the crack motel, girl I would love to pick you up in the pink Jeep and drive you! Let's get a latte and some donuts on the way! I hope you know I am not making light of your feelings, seriously I right there with you! Speaking out about injustice is what I do.

Hang on, keep breathing, try ways to express your anger (without hurting anyone). You can do this! Take care of YOU!

Hatemyhusband posted 2/7/2014 11:10 AM

Thank you. Great advice. Chunking it to get through smaller portions of time- like the weekend. I like that.

I took today off. Took a short nap. Gonna meet a friend for some nachos and glass of wine and get into bed early.

Need to work through these roller coasters of emotions.

karmahappens posted 2/7/2014 11:14 AM

Hi Hatemyhusband.

I completely understand your feelings. I know the pain.

The vomiting, lying on the bathroom floor just wanting the cool tiles to swallow me up.

I am with Pink Jeep Lady.

I went so far as to have papers written up. Things were in black and white. I just needed to serve.

It made me feel safe. I didn't like the not knowing. Walking a tightrope with no net. I needed to know I would be ok in either direction. I had my finances laid out. I figured out my life without him.

Because as much as R is a gift from the BS the WS has to accept that gift and do the work needed to get to a good place again. It is hard to have faith and trust in your marriage when your spouse has ripped it to pieces.

I have faith and trust in my ability to survive. I didn't do anything with the papers. It wasn't something I threw out as a threat when I got pissed. I kept the info in my back pocket and continued trying to heal.

We didn't decide to R until about five months after dday. Once we decided I was at a point I knew I could be all in. At 8 weeks I couldn't offer that.

So do what makes you comfortable right now. It isn't time for decisions, it's time to start healing you. I don't mean deep healing, I mean trauma-survival mode.

Take a step at a time and eventually you will be in a place where you know you want to offer R or you don't. Now isn't that time. Feel, process, proceed....you will be ok. (((hugs))))

alifeforesaken posted 2/7/2014 12:16 PM

I think of that sometimes too. I need to know that's what I want first.

5 out of 7 days are not ok for me. OK is a day I don't cry, or have to ask questions, they are far and few between. I'm 2.5 months from the last DDay and I'm struggling to give this time. I think what is allowing me to give it time, is that even though I rarely make it a day without thinking of it, talking about something related, or crying, the interactions, actions and responses from WH has improved. That gives me some hope to let time tell.

I'm still not sure I can do this, I need to give it some time. hang in there a bit (((hugs)))

[This message edited by alifeforesaken at 12:17 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

devasted30 posted 2/7/2014 12:49 PM

At 8 weeks I didn't have any good days. They were all horrendous. I think for what has happened and looking at how little time has gone by, you are doing incredibly well. Speak to an attorney. Get your options lined up but whatever you do, do not make any final decisions until some time has passed. It is hard to accurately make such a "life changing" decision while going through this turmoil. It is all still so new. So fresh. So agonizing. I know it's impossible to believe, but time improves everything. Your outlook may never change, but then again, it might. Take the time you need to rationally think things through when you are a little distanced from DDay. 8 weeks is a drop in the ocean as far as time and infidelity are concerned. I bet most everyone here will tell you how much different things looked after 6-8 months.