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1st post, 2nd DD, 5 months pregnant

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Nomorestrength posted 2/6/2014 18:26 PM

I've been reading daily since December for strength. Where to start? 1st DD was in May of 2012 when I discovered his friendship with the woman (10 years older and completely unattractive, so I never thought he would go there) was much more. He has always denied it was more than friends, but their "friendship" emerged early 2009 when he got laid off and was in a severely depressed state. Career and success mean everything to him. She helped him get a job, built him up. I was traveling almost full time and I have admitted to not being the best wife back then. But when I found out there was more in May 2012 (saw a text from here while we were out of town for a weekend saying "if I don't hear from you, don't bother calling me tomorrow" then saw emails and phone records) he agreed he wanted to be married and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. We went through 12 months of MC and IC, and he eventually moved back in. Luckily I can financially support myself, which he fully takes advantage of as I pay ALL our mortgage and 80% of our expenses (I know I'm an idiot). Since 2011 we have kept everything separate.

Fast forward to December 2013. I had suspected they still were in contact, but never dreamed it was more than networking as WH and I had tried and gotten pregnant. I found some clothes she had bought him, so I emailed her to let her know I was pregnant thinking she would have the decency to go away. Ha, what a joke. He moved out on Christmas Day, after I caught him at her apartment Christmas Eve. He has keys to her apartment - I forgot to mentioned she used to live on our street in a 3 bedroom town home she owns, but after in summer of 2012 she moved into a one bedroom apartment. Now I know it was a desperate move so that WH could still visit her! He always came home at night, but "worked late" a lot. This woman has been waiting on him for 5 years!! How can someone be so desperate??? He is also very desperate for the validation which is incredibly sad.

Since December he started going to IC, but I think it's just to prove he's trying in case I file. He lied during MC before. I have NC'ed twice, broke it when my family confronted him twice at her apartment. During that intervention he said he wants to be married, wants the baby, and he will end it with nasty troll, but he wants to do it on his time. I'm a week into NC again, and he finally texted "hello?" today. He does this during NC, will text "hi" but won't say anything when I respond "unless you have cut her off and made a decision, please leave me alone." I feel paralyzed on what to do and how to respond. Saying it and writing it makes it seem like I should be running to file, which is probably what I should do. But, like I said I am pregnant with first baby and I am waiting for the "moment" when I know for sure all hope is gone.

I'm seeing a new psychologist next week to help me deal with all these emotions and how to get through all the decisions with marriage, baby, etc. I have a great support system of family and a couple friends I've told, but I'm just so embarrassed that this is my life right now. I feel so badly this baby girl may never have a parental unit.

This would be easier if he just said he loves her and wants to be with her, instead of acting like I'm blowing it out of proportion and that I'm the only one throwing it away by going to attorney. He wants to have both!!

Do I even respond to his pointless texts? By not responding am I pushing him to her? He did add the Find My Friends app to his phone, but turns it off here and there - convenient, right?

headdesk posted 2/6/2014 18:38 PM

Well, the definition of insanity is doing things the same way and expecting different results, right? Don't pay him any attention, just ignore any texts. He's trying to do the same things to get the same results and that's not worked. So if he wants to really change...he's going to have to offer something new.

Nomorestrength posted 2/6/2014 19:30 PM

You're right. It's like he can sense just when I'm detaching and getting closer to filing, then acts like nothing is wrong. It's all about him. You'd think he'd ask about how I feel since I've been really sick, but instead texts "hello" and "are you going to musical tonight?" First 2 texts in over a week and he's asking about tickets to a show I bought for us. Ugh.

cantgetup posted 2/6/2014 19:58 PM

The fact that he would do this, get caught, and then still keep going back to her well, and add to that you support him? And your pregnant? Disgusting behavior. He's playing you--and winning. NC is NC. Meaning when he starts fishing with his texts you don't respond at all. When you respond "don't contact me unless you've left her" you've left the door open. You have essentially told him that if he dumps her you will take him back. Even if you would (I wouldn't) don't let him know you would. He's got no incentive to dump her. NC and 180 should do the trick for you.

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