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I want to be proud of him

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Kibou posted 2/6/2014 20:35 PM

I want to be proud of my fiance, but I'm not. I can't. How can I be proud of a man who cheats on his girlfriend while she's lying in the hospital for two months?

Last night we argued because I found out he had lied. He talked to the OW the day after he told me about the ONS. He said he would only talk to her professionally because they work together. They also text each other for some time after. I told him that he lied to me and was deceitful. He kept saying "No, you already knew about this. I didn't lie to you," etc. I was tired of him not taking responsibility for what he did, and I finally said "Look! This is what you did. You lied to me, and you're not going to pretend otherwise anymore." I guess I rolled my eyes and then I left the room. He called me a "fucking bitch" as I left and then he threw some items around the room like he usually does. I came back in and he said that I was disrespectful and he isn't going to stand for it. He said he would've been slapped for that kind of behavior as a kid. Of course he didn't apologize for calling me a "fucking bitch" until I brought it up later.

I'm tired of him dodging his responsibility for what he did. I'm not proud of him. I don't respect him. I have no reason to. He can't provide for me without complaining at the same time. He keeps saying "I'm really not a bad guy," like he's trying to convince himself. But he is that guy. He is that jerk who would have sex with an incredibly ugly woman while his girlfriend needed him. I only have bad feelings towards a man like that; only bad words that I keep inside.

The reason I stay is because he is trying to be a better man. He is reading books, praying, and he does apologize to me. He does express remorse. I just hate when he acts like this. He's so defensive and won't accept that he has serious problems inside himself. I am tired of him thinking we are on the same level here. He cheated, I did not; he treated me like crap, but I have never called him names or treated him poorly. I have only raised my voice a few times. I have been patient and kind to him.

I wish he were a man I could be proud of.

worried_lady posted 2/6/2014 21:48 PM

He has a LOT of work to do before you could be proud of him. If a girlfriend came to you and said her boyfriend was treating her the way yours is treating you, be honest what would you tell her to do.

I see it says you are engaged...........please have a very long engagement.

EasyDoesIt posted 2/6/2014 21:51 PM

I'm sorry, hon. Why are you considering marrying this abusive creature?

ChloeandPrimo posted 2/6/2014 22:02 PM

Kibou, this guy is not ready for marriage. Your DD and your engagement are too close together for any growth to have occurred. My WH is just now figuring out he is rather arrogant. He tried to call me dirty names when I showed emotion as well. That's arrogant. He even left the living room locked the bedroom door on me because he said he "I'm not getting anywhere with this conversation." Didn't work. I tore that damn door down. Now he doesn't dare lock anything on me. Fortunately, we got smart and have a very practical, no-nonsense counselor who is helping us. Find a counselor. You both need work. You need to find out why you put up with his grossness. I'm on the road now, so I can't give much advise on what happens, but I know if we didn't go marriage counseling, I'd be living in a house with no doors.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/6/2014 22:24 PM

As gently as I can say this...

I agree with the other can you even consider marrying someone who proposes 2 months after you catch him cheating?

I think you need to ask yourself why he even asked you to marry him to begin with? To make sure you didn't leave him?

As worried_lady said - have a VERY long engagement please! As in...2-5 years. They say it takes AT LEAST this long to recover from his affair, AND that's IF he is fully committed to recovery, which by his actions towards you, I would say he is definitely not fully committed at this time.

You stated that he worked with the other woman? Do they still work together?

Do you have full access to his email passwords?

Cell phone bill?

Does he have a password on his cell phone?

Are you guys in couples counseling?

Is he seeing a therapist on his own?

Read this post by wincings_sparkle and ask yourself if your fiance is doing ANY of this. In fact, print this out and tell him to read it!!

You deserve so much more than what he's giving you. Don't settle and marry this guy until you are sure he's done everything he can to prove to you he's worthy.

gotmylifeback posted 2/7/2014 01:25 AM

When I was dating ex WW, I caught her meeting up with an old boyfriend for coffee. They were just sitting and talking but it really did not feel right in my gut. She said I was being unreasonable and just jealous for no reason. I came so close to breaking up and moving on with my life. But, I didnt have the guts to walk away.

We got engaged shortly after this and were married about 6 months later. She then went on to have at least one EA and at least one PA during 10 years of marriage. When I caught her in the PA she showed no remorse and no longer wanted to be married. I finally had the guts to walk away and file for divorce.

I have had no contact with her for about three years. But, I still kick myself for not walking away when she showed me who she was while we were dating. Please be very cautious and take your time with the engagement. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and damage. I would hate to see anyone else follow that same path.

From what you described, he does not sound terribly remorseful. Is he in IC? What is he doing to rebuild your trust? Is he working to find out the real "why" of his actions? If you are not proud of him or have respect for him now, why continue with this man? You say he is doing some work but becomes defensive. Do you really want to live with that in a marriage? Only you can make that decision, but please take time to consider your options.

EasyDoesIt posted 2/7/2014 05:28 AM

And, gently, I don't care what multitude of good qualities he has. They are trumped by his lack of integrity and abusiveness. Completely trumped. He's shown you that he cannot be trusted. He's shown you that when he's caught, he attacks. Is this what you want your daughter to think is OK in a relationship?

If you don't value yourself, she won't value you either. She also won't value herself.

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