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Is it normal for a SA to deny partner sex?

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industriousbee posted 2/6/2014 21:32 PM

I just don't get it, if you're a SA then wouldn't you take advantage of every opportunity to have sex? I had never worried about my H cheating on me because I thought my sex drive was so much higher than his. I wanted more sex than him prior to the A. WH now says he has some SA or even a gambling/risk type addiction. I don't know a lot about addiction but isn't a relapse very likely while recovery goes on? I just cannot put up with one more ounce of BS. I don't think I can make it through a recovery process with this after waiting 15 months for WH to come to this realization and stop pointing blame for the A.

industriousbee posted 2/6/2014 21:33 PM

WS welcome to post here

BAB61 posted 2/6/2014 23:47 PM

My possible SA STBX pretty much pulled sex out of the marital equation a few years ago. I have arthritis in my hips and it was very painful for me to have 'missionary' style ... and for some reason that is the only position my STBX considered 'real sex' ... *shrug* ... so because of my pain levels we did not have sex more than a handful of times in a year.

CantLoseHope posted 2/6/2014 23:52 PM


I do not mean to pry by any means, so if you feel at all uncomfortable about answering any of these questions please say so.

I am currently separated from my WH, it really took your WS 15 months to realize he wanted to R?
Were you separated during this 15 months?
My WH and I have been separated for about a year now..... and small part of me may be losing hope, but the biggest part of me still holds on.....

I am sorry that you are currently struggling with your R...... <hugs>

Autumn22 posted 2/6/2014 23:56 PM

Yes, it's extremely common for an SA to withhold sex from their partner. They also often go through periods of avoiding all sexuality. Sexual anorexia is the term used to describe this behavior.

Sex with strangers, new people, in new ways gives them an addictive high that soothes them.

Sex with an intimate partner is...intimate and releases different chemicals in the brain - ones that do not give them the high they crave.

It seems crazy but it helps when you can wrap your head around SA being at its core an inability to connect with others in an intimate, healthy way.

SA is SOOOOOOO complex (and controversial). I think taking some time to read some books on the subject will be a huge help to you in determining whether it fits your WH and whether he is truly seeking recovery.

[This message edited by Autumn22 at 12:49 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

Lionne posted 2/7/2014 00:43 AM

YES. Very common and inexplicable. And heartbreaking for the confused spouses...

Nature_Girl posted 2/7/2014 01:49 AM

Yes, it's called sexual anorexia. In the olden days it was sometimes called the whore/Madonna complex. I occasionally joke that it's the height of irony that sex addicts are so frickin' lousy in bed!!!

Kelany posted 2/7/2014 06:56 AM

Yes, sexual anorexia.

Is he on any anti depressants? That also killls the drive significantly.

Oldernotwiser posted 2/7/2014 07:07 AM

I sure found this to be true, he was not interested in real sex very often, it was over in a couple of minutes too. Later learned from reading, that is what porn and masterbation train their bodies to do. Mine still denies that his "years" of porn use were a problem and we never say addiction cause he was so in control! According to him. He was able to stop if that means anything but we do not have a good, or normal or frequent sex life still.

steadfast1973 posted 2/7/2014 07:13 AM

My fwh and i had sex maybe three times for the first 10 months of 2013. He saved it for the porn. I was no longer a sexual person to him because feelings. He became immersed entirely in porn and pornographic ideals.

You'd think with my sex drive, I'd be the ideal partner to a SA... But nope, I am too familiar, now. He even said, he had familial feelings toward me. Like... A father/child relationship. So, the idea of sex with me was gross.

It's more than just wanting sex all the time. It's shame, and risk, and filth. The kind of sex you can only have with someone whose feeling don't matter to you. Someone you can objectify. That's another reason they pick skanks and prostitutes. Because they deserve to be treated badly.

industriousbee posted 2/7/2014 08:08 AM

Cantlose we have been trying to R for the past 15 months. I moved out initially. he followed and we pretty much live together now. I recently told WH I wanted D because I couldn't get over it and he still hadn't gotten to the root issues of the affair other than placing blame on the M like we grew apart and that I wasn't supportive if him. Now that he is facing possible D he has decided to tell me he thinks he has these addiction issues. I never thought it was possible he was a SA. The other addictions, yes, but being a SA I was in shock. Part of me wants to call it quits and not deal with a recovery process from SA because I've been waiting so long already. The other side of me feels like I might should help him work on this because if our baby. Another part of me wonders if he us just pulling this out if his ass to manipulate me to not D him. I'm scared to death that a recovery process could take years and a high chance of relapse which I just could not handle. Thank you SIers for all this info and for all of you unique experiences. It is eye opening.

industriousbee posted 2/7/2014 08:20 AM

So I just found this quote from a website to support partners of SA. Sounds like I am not string enough to deal with this sheesh...

Until the addict has three to five years of solid recovery, you are dealing with an addict. Expect that. Sounds harsh and hard line—unforgiving, even. Please, if you believe nothing else, believe that active addicts are dishonest and that their primary relationship is with the addiction—not you. Here is another point you might as well memorize and repeat daily: A SAC's primary relationship is with his addiction, not you! And if you in any way attempt to get between an addict and his source of supply, he will use any and all means to remove you from his path. Just ask those who live with an alcoholic what happens when they empty the alcoholic's bottles down the drain.

tushnurse posted 2/7/2014 09:31 AM

Although I do not have any personal experience with SA, It is my understanding that there is an issue with intimacy as well.
They tend to now want sex with their spouses because they have a fear of that intimate connection, and really being vulnerable. Thus all the bluster, and often times quick, not face to face sex. They want to be done, so they don't feel vulnerable.
Anyway just another aspect of it.
If he thinks he has addiction issues is he in IC? I would demand that as a stipulation for R.
He also should not be engaging in the addictive behaviors at all. NO PORN, NO Masturbating in private. This is equivalent to the drug addict shooting up in the bathroom, or the alchy hiding liquor in their drinks.

(((and strength)))

Lionne posted 2/7/2014 10:24 AM

That website quote is spot on...

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