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It hit me today how fucked in the head I was. I met AP's BGF once. He asked me to notarize aomething for her. I said okay, he said I got to meet my competition. In my head my mind protested and I said the first thing that came to mind "I have no competition. ..." he smiled I think he thought I was being snarky. I wasn't and I clarified it later. I had no competition because I wasn't in a competition, I didn't want him. Why did I do the notary? Because I wanted to forget what I'd done and pretend it was a normal favor that made no difference. I barely remember her, maybe that sounds callous but its true. Dont even remember her name. It was like a punch to the gut. I am sure I told BBF about it when I was first confessing. I remember he wanted to know her name and I told him her first name which is all I remembered and it took a lot for him to decided whether to contact her. He didn't and I'm not positive why. So yea I know it is something I admitted to but it just hit me today how fucked up I was....I should have told her then god knows I was already horrified of my actions by then but I was a coward and I am so sorry.

To be honest I'm not sure where my mind was at that time. Did I hate myself yet? Was this after it got physical? It is not a lie to say I don't remember, but I know it was already too far. I know I already hated myself. Too late to change what I did but I think my mind is telling me I am ready to deal with that self disgust. It is times like this I wish I could talk to xSO and lean on the man who was my best friend but even if we were reconciling how unfair would that be to him? To have to listen to me say how much I hate the woman I allowed myself to be? I do truly dislike who she was, weak and broken...to scared to do something about it because she was a problem solver, everyone else leaned on her, she could figure this out solo....but I couldn't. So many of my memories from that time are so jumbled its hard if not impossible sometimes to put them in chronological order. I met AP, had A and went NC with him within a 7 month period. How fucked is that? You know what fuck her, fuck that girl and her brokenness.

[This message edited by Unagie at 10:23 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Unagie - Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.

Sometimes the people that hurt us the worst aren't our families, friends or strangers. More often than not, our biggest enemy is the person staring at us in the morning mirror. Ourselves.

Self-reflection can be a great learning tool but it can also lead to a endless round of self-blame and self-recrimination. Is it really healthy if you find yourself indulging in a cycle of should’ve known, should’ve acted differently, or should’ve been an ideal person?

I think at times as we see the damage in our BS's eyes, its too easy to create something inside us that says our guilt, shame and self-hatred has to be exponentially greater than that pain and in the days and weeks that follow, we often subconsciously turn that feeling into reality by focusing on regret.

You know that the "should have, could have" cycle will never take back the mistakes we made. Intellectually, I know you know that but I think at times, your heart still doesn't accept that. Unagie, you know that our memories are imperfect and that until the day they come up with some way of digitizing our heads, we just have to live with the fact that our memories are edited by fear and other negative emotions.

You are not the memory of a broken person, you have moved onward and are now a much stronger, confident woman. Rejoice in that accomplishment instead of focusing on the memory of the past.

HUFI

Edited for spelling mistakes, again! LOL

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 2:06 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

Hufi I read and reread your words and honestly you're absolutely right. Intellectually I k ow theze things but emotionally the shame and guilt is still there. I wonder what those who suspected something of me at the time think of me. Are they disgusted as I am? I remember a "friend" asking if something was going on between AP and I and I told her he'd tried but I wasn't going to ruin my relationship for that. I am ashamed she ever had to ask that question and was ever invloved in any way. I am trying a with everything to just love who I am now and move on bjt half the time it feels like a losing battle.

I will come back to your words I know. Thank you.