I'm so sorry for all you have been through, but you have come to a great place for support. Post what you want... and take your time. With everything.
You mentioned that you feel confident that you have the whole story. While I want you to get back to some sense of security, I want you to protect yourself as well. Read through our Healing Library, and check out the 180.
This OW sounds like a real piece of work - hooking up with married brothers. She needs to be out of his life - completely. Your Husband needs to be completely transparent IMMEDIATELY if he wants to try and make this right. That means passwords to everything. EVERYTHING. That means he gives you all the details you ask for. That means ZERO contact with the OW... and any other women for that matter.
It's not overreacting - it's what a remorseful spouse does if they don't want to lose their family.
Take everything in little steps. Rest, drink water, and prioritize yourself and your little ones.
We're here for you. I want to encourage you to reach out to a few people in real life that you trust. Being cheated on is humiliating, but it is NOT your fault and it is NOT a reflection on you. It is about his selfishness and his brokenness, and anyone who is worth having in your life will get this.
Sending you big hugs and strength. You are not alone.
So here is what I can identify with you on: I totally get the long post and wrapping it up like you did. My first post looked very much the same :)) and I totally get:
I feel like I gave up everything to "choose" him and he didn't "choose" me back.
I have been wife for over 15 yrs & a stay-at-home mother of (a lot) of kids since our oldest was born. My entire life has been my husband and children...until....
So what am I doing now? Well I just graduated from nursing school (coincidence!) in December & actually took NCLEX this afternoon! After my life flipped upside down, I had to make some changes and going back to school was one of them. So in the midst of dealing with all of it, I went to nursing school! It has been crazy, but I've also found out all that studying helped me keep my mind busy and keep me focused. I have fallen apart so many times over last x yrs, but I always cleaned myself up and made it to school/ clinical. And 99% of the people at nursing school have no idea what I went thru. I think it helped me just keep moving forward...cause there is NO rest in nursing school! Good luck! It can be done even in the midst of your difficult situation! :)) really! Use school to work for your advantage at this point in time: it will keep you moving & breathing (even tho it's hard to move & breathe at times)
Details... Processing things that happened while being oblivious to it... Obsessing over records.... Game apps.... Been there, done that too :( and something I've noticed here with other ppl too is that TT is typical behavior.... Been helpful for me to process that now. I am done with all that studying & starting to fall apart again. Trying to get my mind back on track from what I started in the beginning post dd. Glad to have found the website when I did...much needed. I am glad you found it too.
Well, I think I wrote just as much as you! Sorry bout that. I tend to carry on too :) I hope you regain your focus and find strength to keep pushing forward.
[This message edited by itstoomuch at 8:34 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]
itstoomuch - There are a lot of similarities in our stories. I am in my 2nd semester of nursing school and that is the only time I feel somewhat "normal" because I can't focus on anything else. However, as soon as I get in my car to head home the tears start flowing. I have also been a SAHM since our oldest was born and going back to school has been a huge transition for our family. I have always worked around everyone else's schedule and now they are having to work around mine. Adds to the difficulties here at home. I am going to go find your original post... thanks for commenting.
As for being told to leave him...that is your decision, and there is no rush at all to decide how to proceed. His seeing a counselor is a good step and individual sessions for you also would be helpful.
I understand your reluctance to talk about this IRL though personally it was invaluable for me. I did not have children involved though and your stakes are higher. It is true you can't 'under-tell' anyone so keep considering it and only open up if you feel comfortable.
This is a confusing time. You must feel pulled in so many directions. I want to second what Jrazz said and encourage you to dismiss your humiliation and sense of inadequacy. Please know that you are enough. It is not your fault and I hate to think of your sense of self-worth taking a dive.
Be slow and patient with yourself. Watch your WH's actions for consistency. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for not walking out. 15 years and children are not just a suitcase you can pick up and uproot. There is history and baggage holding you in place right now. That can be good, and it can become an impediment that holds you back. But from the outside no one ever knows how they will react if it happened to them. Talking about not accepting adultery is easy; having the rug ripped out from underneath you and yet still loving the person who tore it awY is a whole other complicated matter. It certainly is a lot of work to rebuild trust and takes a committed, honest partner to R, but it is not wrong to want to try. It is only human. Some people say their marriage even improves once they both go all-in. Your path will depend on variables that are unknown right now. The people at SI will keep you company as you walk forward and try to handle this mess.
Peace to you.