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And here I am

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hopefaithlove4 posted 2/6/2014 22:08 PM


I am the WW. My husband discovered emails from an ex-coworker 6 months ago and I confessed to having a physical relationship with the man during 2005. The relationship crossed a lot of lines, but I could never go through with sexual intercourse. That was my moral compass, as skewed as it was. After 3 sexual encounters, I stopped the PA, but I had kept in touch with him and developed an EA over the years. Of course, in my justifying messed-up mind, we were "just friends" and could keep him at arms length. Over the course of the years, I saw him a total of 10 times, the 3 sexual encounters, some lunches, and some in the company with ex-coworkers/friends. After DD, I stopped contact immediately--my husband saw the email I typed and sent, I wrote a timeline, answered questions, cut off mutual friends who knew nothing about it because they were a trigger for my husband. I am in IC, we are on hold on MC because BS doesn't know what he wants right now, and I am fully transparent with everything. Basically, I am doing everything I can to be a better spouse and to make sure my husband one day feels safe with me again as right now he feels that his entire life has been a lie.

To compound this, this is the 2nd affair for me. We've known each other since high school and are each other's first. I had a ONS when I was 18 (1989) and we had just begun dating again. BS had told a girl that we weren't serious and had essentially broken up with me. We started seeing each other again, but it was the summer before college and we were going to colleges in separate directions. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior back then, but to give it some sort of frame of mind. The ONS was an old boyfriend that was back in town and afterwards I realized I didn't want him, I wanted my husband (boyfriend at the time). I never talked to him or saw him again after that, by my choosing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, other than to out myself and hopefully find guidance as we muddle through this. BS does not know if he wants to stay married to me. I can't blame him after what I typed. I am 100% in this and fully committed to him and our family (DD-11, DS-9). I feel like a monster, yet I also know I have good traits, too. I am working through things with the IC and we're going back to FOO issues. I don't think my husband really cares, but I do. I want to make sure my issues are resolved so my kids don't find themselves on a therapist's couch due to me. And I absolutely do not want to go down this road again or be this horrible person described above.

Of course, BS doubts me, does not trust me even though he has complete access to everything, and is convinced that I will do this again. I absolutely refuse to go down this path again and hurt him, my family, or myself. This is the one thing staring at me on my deathbed down the road and I hate that fact--that I'm taking this regret and remorse for these actions to my grave. I accept it, though,and as I work through it all I can do when I'm looking at this down the road is to look at how I behaved for the rest of my life and to be proud of that. Right now, that is all I have to go on.

Sorry for the rambling. I have been lurking since DD and decided I need some anonymous voices on my end. We have not told anyone close to us and do not plan to if we make it through it.

grains posted 2/6/2014 23:01 PM

Thank you for your post. Most waywards find it hard to accept complete responsibility for their betrayal specially when it is close to DDay. You understood the importance of this. Please keep believing in it. It will matter most during many difficult moments to come. You also decided to be a better person for your BS, your kids and for yourself. This is also an important and difficult process. There will always be the self-pity, the self-doubt and the feeling of hopelessness that will test your will to be a new and better person. Be strong and keep these two partnered goals always clear. Good luck in your recovery and reconciliation. I wish you a good life.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/7/2014 03:56 AM

Hi hope, welcome to SI.

Well done for sharing your story, it can be difficult to write it all out.

It sounds like you're making steps in the right direction, which is positive. Like you, I am working on myself to resolve my issues for my children, my husband and myself. It's tough but keep going with it.

Your BH will be on a roller coaster and trusting you will seem impossible for him but it's up to you to build it back up. Small steps, talk to him about it. Does he trust you to look after the children? To cook dinner? Go to the store? Every time he doubts you, checks up on you and finds you are being honest, it's another small deposit in the trust bank.

Gook luck with your recovery and reconciliation.

hopefaithlove4 posted 2/7/2014 06:18 AM

Thank you for the kind words.
Yes, he can trust me with the little things. I ran a bunch of errands yesterday and he had my schedule beforehand. Plus, I text him where I am, what I'm doing, and save receipts if he ever wants to look. I am diligent about that and sometimes it just doesn't matter because of the anger and hurt involved. I don't know when, if, or how often he checks.

We had a tough evening last night because I did flub up. Before DD day, it wouldn't have mattered. I told him I had a company coming in to quote house cleaning when I start back to work in two weeks. I didn't even think about telling him it was the male owner of the company. Never occurred to me. So when he asked how it went and I was talking about it he learned that it was a guy, got upset. said he couldn't trust me, and for all he knew I was basically having a quickie. The guy was here for 15 minutes and right afterwards I text my husband letting him know where the quote came in. I pulled up the guy's number, referenced the neighbor's Facebook recommendation (all my fb messages go to my husband), and told him to look at my computer history times since I was on the computer right after that. I apologized, recognized that of course that would upset him that I was alone with another man, and said if any occasion like this came up again I'd schedule it for when he's home. Basically, I will not be alone with the opposite sex.

I know I can be trusted daily, but he does not know that. I know it'll take a lot of time to rebuild. I also recognize that due to my previous untrustworthiness that I now am in a position of having to rely on third parties to prove I'm true. For example, the other weekend I had a wrong number text come up asking me to go gaming. I'm not a gamer and haven't a clue about that stuff. But it was a local number and my husband started texting the guy back. I don't know the exchange but everything hinged on this stranger who hit a wrong number answering back. If he hadn't answered back it would have looked suspicious. One of the consequences of my actions, I understand.

I have lost so much of value that can't be bought.

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