I am the WW. My husband discovered emails from an ex-coworker 6 months ago and I confessed to having a physical relationship with the man during 2005. The relationship crossed a lot of lines, but I could never go through with sexual intercourse. That was my moral compass, as skewed as it was. After 3 sexual encounters, I stopped the PA, but I had kept in touch with him and developed an EA over the years. Of course, in my justifying messed-up mind, we were "just friends" and could keep him at arms length. Over the course of the years, I saw him a total of 10 times, the 3 sexual encounters, some lunches, and some in the company with ex-coworkers/friends. After DD, I stopped contact immediately--my husband saw the email I typed and sent, I wrote a timeline, answered questions, cut off mutual friends who knew nothing about it because they were a trigger for my husband. I am in IC, we are on hold on MC because BS doesn't know what he wants right now, and I am fully transparent with everything. Basically, I am doing everything I can to be a better spouse and to make sure my husband one day feels safe with me again as right now he feels that his entire life has been a lie.
To compound this, this is the 2nd affair for me. We've known each other since high school and are each other's first. I had a ONS when I was 18 (1989) and we had just begun dating again. BS had told a girl that we weren't serious and had essentially broken up with me. We started seeing each other again, but it was the summer before college and we were going to colleges in separate directions. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior back then, but to give it some sort of frame of mind. The ONS was an old boyfriend that was back in town and afterwards I realized I didn't want him, I wanted my husband (boyfriend at the time). I never talked to him or saw him again after that, by my choosing.
I don't really know where I'm going with this post, other than to out myself and hopefully find guidance as we muddle through this. BS does not know if he wants to stay married to me. I can't blame him after what I typed. I am 100% in this and fully committed to him and our family (DD-11, DS-9). I feel like a monster, yet I also know I have good traits, too. I am working through things with the IC and we're going back to FOO issues. I don't think my husband really cares, but I do. I want to make sure my issues are resolved so my kids don't find themselves on a therapist's couch due to me. And I absolutely do not want to go down this road again or be this horrible person described above.
Of course, BS doubts me, does not trust me even though he has complete access to everything, and is convinced that I will do this again. I absolutely refuse to go down this path again and hurt him, my family, or myself. This is the one thing staring at me on my deathbed down the road and I hate that fact--that I'm taking this regret and remorse for these actions to my grave. I accept it, though,and as I work through it all I can do when I'm looking at this down the road is to look at how I behaved for the rest of my life and to be proud of that. Right now, that is all I have to go on.
Sorry for the rambling. I have been lurking since DD and decided I need some anonymous voices on my end. We have not told anyone close to us and do not plan to if we make it through it.